all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~44~ nick

~nick pov~

My fingers pick at the grass as I sit crisscrossed in it. The sun is bright, so I have to squint. I wish I had worn a hat today, but it totally slipped my mind as I left the house.

I sigh. This is a conversation I've been meaning to have for a while not but haven't gotten the courage to do it yet.

"I don't know how to start this kind of conversation." I laugh a little bit to myself. Out of all the conversations to show up to, this is not the one to be unprepared for. "I'm just- I don't know. I'm kind of feeling a little stuck."

I shake my head and look back at the grass. Is it disrespectful for me to be picking at it right now?

"I really just told a grave that I'm feeling stuck, didn't I?" I glance up at Taegan's headstone as if that would help her give me an answer. "You probably feel the most stuck. You're buried underground for pete's sake."

Her tombstone is decorated with flowers. Some are a little older and wilted while others are brighter. I was happy to see that nobody else had brought her yellow roses. It made me feeling special and different.

I'm quiet once again. These past two and a half months I have wanted nothing more than to speak to her, but not I'm here not saying a word. They're on the top of my tongue, begging to be spilled out in front of me.

"Do you remember our first date?" I ask. My voice is low even though there's nobody that could hear me. "We were looking at the lights, and we talked about Vegas?"

I pause as if I'm waiting for an answer. The only noise is the sound of the wind rustling of nearby trees.

"I think about that a lot." I glance up at the sky. It's a little gray, but the weather isn't horrible. "I sometimes wonder if we should've taken a surprise trip there, so you could've see it before you died. Maybe if we did then the universe could've been altered, and I'd be talking to you face to face."

"And I know you're probably telling me that it's time to move on just a little bit," I sigh, "but I just can't. I mean, how are you supposed to move on from something that wasn't supposed to end?"

"We were a forever type of thing, Taegan." My voice is barely even a whisper now, but I trust that she can hear me. If I go any louder, I'll be in the risk of crying. "How do you let that type of thing go? How dare you just leave me alone down here to fend for myself?"

I pause after the words fall out of my mouth. "I didn't mean it like that, I promise." I apologize. "It's just-"

I put my head in my hands for a second to breathe. It doesn't really calm me down much at all. My voice is thick when I speak again.

I let out a shaky breath, tears spilling over. I sniff. "You always knew what to say and do and everything. You were always able to give your all to everything in your life, and I'm trying. I really am, but I feel as if I'm barely living at all. I can't do it without you. I need you, Taegan."

I hear a car door shut somewhere in the distance.

"I try to act normal, and I smile," I continue, "But it's all bullshit. The whole time I'm wondering when I can be alone next. I can't even sleep now. Every time I close my eyes I see you, sometimes I don't even have to close them either. You're just always there. I can't help it."

Someone in black is walking over, but I don't raise my head to get a good look. I just let them walk to their grave respectively.

"It just feels like I'm homesick all the time, and it's not just for a place." I wipe my nose with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. "I'm homesick for a person, and I'll never be with you ever again."

I put my hands on either side of my head as if that'll stop my head from hurting. I tried to hold back tears for too long, and this tends to be the consequence. I know putting my hands here won't help, but sometimes it's nice to imagine.

Someone sits down cross-legged next to me. I keep my gaze focused on the grave.

"Hey," George says quietly. He scoots closer to me and wraps his arm around me. "I'm here."

I don't answer him. I don't even know how he knows that I was here. I didn't tell anyone where I was going when I left.

"We don't have to talk," he tells me, "We can just sit in quiet if you need."

I let out a pathetic sob. I lean against his shoulder a bit as we stare at her grave.

I miss her so much. It takes everything inside of me to get through my days. I tell myself it's progress. That it's better than how I was in the beginning. I've been trying so hard, but it's not even for me. It's for her. It's all for her.

Maybe one day it'll slowly shift to doing it for me. Maybe I'll be able to live a little better with her being gone. One day I might be able to walk in public without seeing her face in everythin. One day it'll get better, but for now it's not that day. I'm just barely getting by, but it's better than not getting by at all.

George gives me all the time I need. For once he's not impatient to get where he wants to go. He just holds me as I cry, and then some more as I sit in quiet.

After a while, I wipe my eyes of the leftover tears. I sit up straight.

"Thank you, George," I sniff, "It means a lot."

"Yeah, of course."

I force myself to stand, one leg at a time.

"Alex and Karl should be getting to the house soon," George says as he stands as well, "They're excited to see you again."

I hum a halfhearted response. "I actually have somewhere I feel like I have to be," I mumble, gesturing my thumb behind me to nowhere in particular, "but I'll talk to them later."

"Yeah, of course." George nods. I'm grateful he doesn't ask where I'm going. "Do you need any help or anything?"

I shake my head and glance back at the grave. "No, it was planned a while ago."

~author's note~

where is nick going?? i hinted at it either in this chapter or earlier chapters

also george going to the cemetery to help nick because taegan told him to in a dream is just so cute to me ahhhh