all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~29~ dream

~dream pov~

Nick slammed his door as soon as he got home. I know not to bother him. George was a robot downstairs. I'm not sure he's able to fully grasp it yet.

I just want to get the image out of my head. I don't want to remember that moment as Taegan because that's not her.

She wasn't the color red against a black pavement. She was a sage green floating across a yellow landscape. She was a light to all of us.

There's tapping on the back door. I notice Vegas peeking inside. I'm not sure how he got in the backyard, but I let him in anyways. I don't have time to question it. I sit on the bottom step of the stairs. Vegas licks my hand as he comforts me.

He licks my hand once then runs up the stairs a bit then back to me. I sigh, knowing what he's doing, but I follow anyways.

He runs to her door. He doesn't step inside the room but stays at the door as if he's waiting for permission to enter.

I close the door. I'm not ready to go in her room yet. I don't know if I'll ever be able to walk into that room again. I don't think I could smell her candle again, or if I could step into her closet again. I don't even know if I'll ever look at the stars the same again.

I just know that I'll never look at my life the same again. I will constantly be reminded of her.

I'll remember her when I watch certain movies, when I eat certain foods, when I see certain colors. I'll remember her in the stars and in the city lights. She's everywhere, and she isn't going anywhere.

I press my head against her door. I wish she would open it and cause me to trip inside. I would pay so much money for that to happen. For her to laugh at me and ask why I was stalking her. I would pay. Just for this night to be a nightmare and wake up in the morning normal.

I walk to my room and back to discord. Karl and Quackity are still in call, although they ended stream soon after we found out there was an accident.

Someone has to tell them, Clay. I tell myself as I hover over the voice channel.

"Hey, what happened?" Karl asks as soon as I join, "Is everything okay?"

I tell them everything. I tell them that she went on a walk. I tell them that there was a drunk driver. I tell them that he went over the curb. I tell them that she didn't make it.

Silence. That's what I'm met with. It's quiet for a solid forty-seven seconds before Karl speaks up.

"Oh my gosh," he breathes out, "Well, I'm.. I'm going to.. I'm going to call our parents and tell them what happened. I'll talk to you later."

He hangs up before either of us reply. A habit that Taegan was known for, but I don't point that out.

"This is," Alex starts to say, "That's so.." He can't seem to find the words to process it all.

"I'm sorry, man. I don't know what to say," Alex chuckles to himself. I think it was more to ease the tension than comedy reasons though.

"It's a lot to take in," I say as calmly as I can.

"I'm just going.." he takes a deep breath. "I'm just going to process it on my own for a bit, if that's okay."

"Yeah, of course," I rub my eyes, "Reach out if you need anything."

"Will do," he says before hanging up.

I slouch in my chair once I'm all alone. Patches climbs onto my desk, purring.

"She's not here anymore, Patches," I whisper to the cat, "She's taking a permanent trip for a long time."

I know it's not the truth, but I can't tell her the truth. I just had to tell two people the news, and I thought I was going to die. I can't admit it to another person, so if a lie makes me feel better then that's what I'll do.

Even if I'm lying to myself a bit, too.

~author's note~

she's in everything.. including our hearts

have a good day <3