Rosa: A Wangxian Reincarnation Story

Rosa 5: Readjustment

Alain holds my hand and in the other, carries the hamper. We enter the gates and walk quietly, respectfully onto the grounds. When one has lived long enough in Charlottesville, you learn to treat TJ with a reverence reserved for geniuses and minor gods. It is so serene here at night, all city sounds left behind. An owl hoots as it hunts for the game and to locate its mate. The occasional bark from a fox. A coyote, migrating from more northern states, howls across a valley below.  We settle under a magnolia tree and the scent of the waxy blooms in the air. I always feel safe under a magnolia, the broad, glossy leaves shelter me and you feel peace like it is meant to be felt. I am finally getting a wish answered, to share it with the man I love. That love is still a secret from him. It may be one that stays locked in my heart for a bit longer. However, Alain seems to be enjoying the date and that makes me happy. Melancholic but happy as well. I am still sipping my first glass of Pinot Noir and feeling and fighting the urge, deep within my bones, to get closer to him. The need is primal and spiritual, emotions I sense he is not experiencing. He cannot because he has chosen to leave that part behind him. But his core? Does it feel anything yet? That strong resilient force. Can it be reawakened? Or should it be?

     Alain looks at me with curiosity behind his topaz eyes.

     "You seem nervous. There is no reason. We do not know one another well yet. I have no real expectations for tonight, except to get to know you better."

     I sigh in relief. "Thank you. I have not dated in a while. I am out of practice."

     "Divorced?"

     "No. I am...widowed."

     "I am sorry."

     "Thank you. But no need to say sorry. I am recovering."

     "There is no need for thanks."

      'No need for thanks, no need for sorry between us...'  The memory suddenly emerges and hangs in the air for me. The original voice, differently accented, is almost a living entity.  I gulp wine to fortify my reserves and rise and this time offer my hand. They fit together nicely. I have missed that.

     "Let's walk together, before we overstay our welcome. This is such a wonderful place to have to ourselves." He smiles and I notice that this man has dimples on both cheeks. Of course, he would have. He is becoming more and more irresistible. Dimples. Oh, brother!

     We stop by a low wall and he removes the wine glass from my hand. He looks at me, decisive and desiring.

     "I want to kiss you. I think we are both wondering what it would be like. Let's get it out of the way, and satisfy our curiosity. What would you think of that?" No one had ever asked such a straightforward thing of me before. I nod, shyly. Alain bends down and slips his large hand firmly to the base of my spine. Then he lifts my chin and his warm lips cover mine. Once carefully and tentatively, then once again, with more force, more seeking, more passion.

      I cannot help it. I move in closer, my hands sliding up his muscular back, holding on like a drowning victim, gasping for air, for more, Familiar, yet different. Not quite home but the next best thing. I want all, I want both. But mostly, I want a sign of recognition. And it isn't there. So, I pull away momentarily as he looks at me in confusion. Then I try again.

     Get to know him.
     Let him know you.
     This is unwalked territory.

     Two men, one core. Two sides of the same coin.

     And suddenly, it becomes clearer. This is why I am here in this odd and difficult situation. To accept my Lan Zhan, in whatever form he chooses to manifest himself. Why should this be about my comfort zone this time? I love him. Period. And wherever this relationship with Alain takes me, it is part of the same rollercoaster ride. It is about time that it is all about him.