The future awaits (DISCONTINUED)

Thoughts

I walked back home. I don't care if he cares for me. It's not like I care that he does anyway! I opened the door and took off my coat.

Latte peeked out of her room. "Hey how's the walk go?" I just ignored her as I stormed off to my room. I could tell she was confused, but she left it. I sat down on my bed for a few seconds before getting up and walking to the small mirror placed on my desk.

I pulled my eye lids down a little to see the purple-ish black I hate. I hated the color only because it reminded me of what I absolutely hate about myself.

Out of anger I grabbed the mirror and threw it across the room. Why..why did he have to remind me?..Now I'll see it every day. The mirror shattered into pieces, scattering across my floor.

Do I even bother cleaning it?

No I really don't. So I just lied down in my bed. Soon after I got up and got changed. Latte slowly opened my door. "Is everything okay? I heard something break a few minutes back.." She stepped fully in the room.

"I'm fine." I lie there, completely limp as I drowned in my thoughts. I would tell her, but everything is just holding me in a choke hold and I can't spit or yell anything out. I want to tell her, I just can't.

She sighed and slowly closed my door. I curled up in a ball holding back my emotions with everything I could. It's much easier to cover everything up with anger than it is to actually express what's needed.

Sometimes I wish it wasn't anger, I wish it was happiness. So that everyone would see a smile and think I'm fine. That's how society works, you pull a good enough smile, then you are doing just amazing.

Though I can't even use happiness because I suck at it.

That's the thing too. I pretend to be the therapist of some that I know. Though they don't even think that I could use someone to tell anything to. I feel that sometimes Latte uses me as a place to dump her problems so she can feel better. Though I need someone to talk to.

She just leaves before I can, and when I try my anger blocks everyone out of my life. Which may be the reason why no one thinks that I need help. Only because I push them away like some loner. In reality I really need help. I'm not going to a therapist though, they don't help nor does my problem need therapy.

I fell asleep whilst in my thoughts, waking up to my alarm. I got my sleep but I feel restless.

I got dressed and forced a smile. Only to show to Latte. I don't need her to worry, her problems are much bigger than mine. I just wish I could tell someone but I feel I'd be selfish.

I waited in the living room for Latte, who came a few seconds after I sat down. I got up and we began walking.

"You want to pass more notes in social studies?" I smiled at me.

I put on the best fake smile I could at the moment. "Ha that'd be fun! We just can't get caught of course." It seems she bought it. Thank the lord.

We got to the school and I went to home room like I normally would. Just like yesterday, people walked in, ELA and Math went on, and it was time for lunch.

I sat in the same spot I did yesterday hoping Madeline wouldn't come over to me. He didn't, but he started to talk to Latte. It's like he knows something about me that he shouldn't. I don't like it whatsoever.

I pushed my lunch to the side, I don't feel like eating today. I'm just not hungry and I'm not putting myself to eating. I just continued to read the book for that stupid book report. I saw Latte walk over to me.

"Hey why don't you eat? That book can wait I'm sure of it!" She sat down next to me. I tried my hardest not to sigh so that she wouldn't get suspicious of me not eating.

"Alright yeah, your right." I pulled out my lunch and began eating while Latte talked about how many friends she had. I just got more and more annoyed every time she mentioned any of her friends names. Someone who dumps every. Single. Problem. Of their's onto me, I didn't think they'd have such a perfect life.

A perfect mix of popularity, friends, self-esteem, and doesn't have to worry about others. It's not fair in the position I'm stuck in.

I finished up my food, almost gagging at every bite. She caught up on this.

"Is something wrong? You seem like disgusted eating that right now." She looked at me concerned.

"Oh I don't know. It's weird." I pretended that I really just didn't want to eat, it was just my body reacting in such a way.

Her phone buzzed and she quickly pulled it out. I could hear her giggle. "Well I have to go! It was nice talking to you!" She walked off to her perfect life. Am I just her weird friend during school? Or do I really matter to her?

She obviously doesn't want to spend time with me, and she's shit at hiding it. Even if I'm her brother, she'll still use me like her personal therapist. She finds various ways to save money, and this must be one of her many ways.

After lunch I got to see Latte again. She kept looking towards me but I kept my eyes specifically away from her. I'm just mad that she doesn't see me as her brother during school hours. I don't even blame her anyway! Who would want to be seen with me? If she's seen with me, then she'll be the laughing stock.

I understand how that feels, I wouldn't want anyone to feel as isolated and alone and hated as I do would I? So I don't even bother trying to make friends.