mixed feelings // dreamnotfound

Part 2: Call

Friday, December 3rd

When we return home, I place the food on the kitchen table and pull out my phone.

No messages from my mom.

I sigh and slump into a chair, Sapnap still watching me somewhat closely. 

He reaches into one of the bags and takes his own food, sitting across the table from me.

We enjoy our food in silence for a few moments, before I decide to strike up a conversation.

"Do you wanna go somewhere tomorrow?"

He looks up with a mouthful of food, trying to cover it with his fist as he speaks. "Like where?"

I grin at his attempt, and look down to unlock my phone.

"I heard there's a Christmas market open in the city every night now, so we could go there tomorrow night."

He considers my words, and shrugs as he takes another bite of his food. "Sure. What kinda stuff do they even sell there?"

I continue typing on my phone, eventually coming across a photo. "Apparently they sell like everything."

I show him a photo taken of the side of the market, and his eyes widen instantly. "Hell yes, we're going there."

I smile and turn off my phone, sliding it back in my pocket. "We have to take the subway, though."

"Even better."

After talking a bit longer, we finish our dinner and decide to call it off for the night; knowing that we're gonna be up late tomorrow.

---

I walk up the stairs and enter my room, immediately slumping onto the bed. 

I sigh, knowing what I have to do next. 

I unlock my phone again and open my messages with my mom, biting the insides of my cheeks.

I hesitantly press the call button, and she picks up instantly.

"Hello?" her voice rings through the phone.

"Hey, mom." I respond, a slight tone of annoyance laced in my voice. I clear my throat to try and cover it up.

Suddenly, she starts rambling. "I'm sorry about your dad, I really am. I know you don't want to visit him but he just kept going o-"

"Hey, mom, it's okay. I know how he is." I attempt to comfort her.

She sighs through the microphone, and I can hear the pain in her voice.

"Thank you for understanding."

"When does he want to visit me?"

She stays silent for a few moments, thinking over my question. "He said latest the 17th of December."

My eyes widen and I feel my heart start to race. "Latest?"

She doesn't answer, and I try not to worry her too much. "Alright, but he's not coming to my house. I'll go to his apartment instead."

"Thank you, Clay. Really. I'll tell him now. When are you free?"

I check the date, and I feel another pang of anxiety as I realise how soon it really is.

Friday, December 3rd

I analyse my calendar more carefully. "I think I can do the 14th, but I'll discuss it more once he answers."

"Thank you, again." Her voice is calmer now. I decide to end it there, not wanting to speak about this topic anymore.

"I'm gonna sleep now. Nick and I are going somewhere tomorrow, and I don't wanna be tired."

"Where are you going?"

"The Christmas market."

My mom makes an approving sound, and I can feel her light smile through the phone. "Well, you two have fun, then."

"Thanks, text me when you get an answer." My jaw tightens slightly at my own words.

"I will."

We say our goodbyes, and I press the red button that cuts off our connection. My thoughts start rushing in again, and I place my head in my hands to try and calm them.

I don't want to see him again

I can't, I fucking can't.

I immediately stand up and go to my bathroom, placing my phone on the side of the sink. The sharp razor-blade sits in the cabinet, and I watch it closely.

I know I shouldn't, I think. I decide to grab it anyway. 

I stand in front of the sink, watching myself in the mirror. I lift up the inside of my shorts, seeing the lines on my thigh from yesterday. I ignore it.

Without thinking, I bring the blade down to my other thigh, and close my eyes as I let the pain slowly consume me. I deserve this, I think.

I take the blade again below the first cut, and let myself feel the pain. I open my eyes to see a small red streak running down my leg.

It's my fault this happens to her, I deserve this.

My jaw tightens at the sight, a sudden wave of guilt filling me. My mom would be disappointed if she saw this, but it's my fault. It's my fault my dad does that shit to her.

I place the blade back onto the sink and splash my face with water, trying to calm myself down.

Suddenly, I turn on the shower, and make sure it's hot. I undress myself, and get in immediately.

I let the hot water burn my skin as I attempt to suppress my thoughts.

---

After showering, I weakly put on my clothes. I decide to get in bed immediately as an attempt to prevent my thoughts from eating away my sleep once again.

I hadn't realised how exhausted I actually was until this moment, and although I think I'll be able to sleep easily tonight, I find my thoughts occupying me per usual.

I lay awake for what feels like hours, trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I blast music on my phone, splash my face with cold water again, even go downstairs to eat something quickly.

But as always, my mind is always busy. And I refuse to succumb to my thoughts. I check the time on the microwave downstairs.

3:46 A.M., the clock reads.

"Fuck," I mumble.

I've gotten used to this cycle. Falling asleep really late, waking up really late. It isn't healthy, I know, but there's nothing I can do to stop it.

And I refuse to get any sort of help.

I'm not weak, I remind myself once again.

I don't need help, I can take care of myself.

I sigh as I walk back up the stairs, hoping I'll at least get a few hours in before I have to leave tomorrow with Sapnap.