Help me. | l.s. (mpreg) [Book 1]

10

Early update because it's my birthdaaaaay!!! Ugh 25 is really old, but oh well. I got Louis merch and tonight is another show, so I'm winning hehehehe. Enjoy besties. x

"Now what did you want to talk about?" Harry asked looking at Louis expectantly.

"Right..."Louis said slowly. "I don't want you to think I only used you for my own pleasure and I definitely didn't just want to fuck you and then throw you away like some cheap whore." He started. Harry just looked at him expressionless waiting for a further explanation. "You were right when you said I wanted to take you the whole time, but at the same time I also didn't want to. I fought against it for weeks, because I feared that you would think exactly like this and that you would regret it and I was right with that and somehow I can't deal with that. I don't fucking know what you did that I can't not care about that and most importantly about you." Harry's eyes grew comically wide at his statement. He couldn't believe his ears. Louis really cared? That was impossible. He took a big gulp of his wine to get around to this unbelieving confession. Of course he noticed that in some situations Louis took care of him, but he never thought it went past the scenes in the playroom.

"I want to be honest with you, at first I didn't give a shit about you I could only think about doing all the things to you you can't even imagine since I first saw you, but between the time of you asking me for help and me reaching out to you I overthought everything over and over again and I just couldn't stop thinking about it, about you. It wasn't my intention anymore to ruin you in every possible way, I just wanted to help you. I don't know how to explain it so it makes sense because I don't understand it myself. I have never been the type to care and be gentle with my partners as you know, but I started caring about you and when I overstepped the boundaries on Saturday I felt so guilty. I've never felt that before. And when you told me what Liam had said to you I lost it. I was scared that you would think of me like that also, so I ended it only because I couldn't live with the thought of hurting you or treating you exactly like I did. Like I don't care." Louis looked at Harry cautiously waiting for him to say something. He was scared shitless and he couldn't believe that he had really confessed all of this to Harry, but somehow he felt like a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders even though he hadn't been completely honest with Harry, but he didn't need to know that. He would never ever tell Harry about his fear of starting to feel something for him, that wasn't gonna happen.

Harry just wanted to open his mouth when Samantha appeared with their food. She placed their plates on the table without looking at them- probably still too embarrassed- telling them to enjoy their meals before she disappeared again.

"I don't really know what to say to be honest." Harry started. "I'm confused. When we're taking breaks between our sessions we talk about everything and laughing- I'd say we're having a pretty good time- but in the next moment you're kicking me out of the house as soon as we're done. Then you always check up on me and constantly ask me if I'm alright and comfortable and a minute later you don't give a shit and are indifferent again. I really don't get it. It's like you have two personalities." Harry explained. He couldn't sort out his thoughts, it was all too much at once and his head was spinning.

"As I said I don't understand it either. It's just...I do care about you, but sometimes there are these moments when I notice how...nice...I am with you and that I'm not strict enough, then I remember that it's just not me and then I'm back to being how I am." Louis explained slowly, searching for the right words. It was extremely difficult for him talking about this especially with Harry. If he talked about deep shit with Zayn it wasn't a bother for him, but with Harry it was different. Zayn knew him better than anyone else and he has seen Louis desperate and vulnerable a few times now, but it was hard for Louis to open up to anyone else.