Help me. | l.s. (mpreg) [Book 1]

50

While Zayn was waiting for Louis to wake up he thought about what Harry had told him and what was going to happen. He couldn't prepare for it because Louis could literally do anything, so he just had to sit it out and try to be there as best as he could.

He feared that Louis would be thrown back completely by his breakdown now and that he had possibly overestimated himself by pushing his approaches towards Charlie and the whole situation. From what he saw Louis was doing good and he was really surprised by his progress and that he seemed to warm up to everything, but by spending the whole night so close to Charlie, taking care of him and holding him Louis had pushed himself too far and that backfired now.

Zayn didn't want to blame Harry for it because he hadn't known how Louis' state had been but he had the feeling for a while now that Harry wanted to subtly push Louis into the direction- which was partly understandable because it was incredibly hard taking care of a baby on their own- of getting closer to Charlie and that could go terribly wrong- if it hadn't been already. If it were about him he would take Louis to a time-out weekend so he could gather himself again but he didn't know if Harry would be so keen on it. What he knew was that if Louis would pressure himself even more than he had done already then it would end disastrous.

He got ripped out of his thoughts when a groan filled up the quiet room and Zayn snapped his head over from where he was half laying on Harry's side of the bed with his back leaned against the headboard to Louis who was just waking up. His eyelids fluttered open, his empty eyes were searching the room as it slowly dawned him where he was and what happened.

"Hey, Lou." Zayn said softly and placed his hand on the older one's thigh over the duvet. Louis' eyes snapped over to him and his pupils went wide for a second before they normalised again.

"Z?" He breathed out confused.

"Hi, bud." Zayn smiled. Louis sat up and leaned against the headboard rubbing his head.

"Hey." He mumbled.

It was silent for a minute as Zayn let him gather his thoughts, he didn't want to bombard him with questions immediately. Louis sighed to himself. He bent his knees and propped his arms up on them letting his hands dangle in the air when he dropped his head.

"How are you feeling? Do you need water?" Zayn asked gently watching his best friend intensely.

"I...I don't know. I'm not feeling good." Louis admitted mumbling. His mind was restless, constantly searching for an explanation of what caused his panic attack.

"Why? You can talk to me, you know that right?" Zayn said.

"I know...I just, I feel terrible." Louis fiddled with his hands before he sighed and lifted his head. "I've fucked up big time." He choked out with a desperate look on his face as he looked at Zayn.

"What?" Zayn asked puzzled. He had expected that Louis would tell him that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't look at Charlie anymore or wanted Harry to leave or anything like that, but he didn't think he would blame himself. "What are you talking about, Lou?"

"I feel like a fucking failure, Zayn! That's what I'm talking about." Louis snapped and his face darkened. "I've managed so good, but then- I don't know. My brain just shut off and...it was too much. I was thinking of what I've done and that I have felt- for the fucking first time since Charlie was born- like a proper father...and I couldn't handle it." His voice cracked in the end and he quickly blinked the tears in his eyes away. "I just couldn't...fuck." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips together tightly.

"Lou, you aren't a failure. You took a fucking huge step and it's completely understandable that you can't suddenly be fine with everything. It takes time and this was a small recoil, but it's nothing to be ashamed of." Zayn sat up and turned to Louis so he could look at him properly.