Arabelle.

Again.

I was afraid of change, I was afraid of not changing.

It was 7 minutes into the day and she already was crying. Arabelle was so broken and no one could see that. Last night Joel asked if she was okay. She was crying when he asked that question.
" Why are you crying Arabelle? "
How do you tell someone that they're crying because they love you?
She couldn't think straight.
She thought of everything that was bothering her at that very second.
She was home alone. She was sad. She had pills. Why didn't she try to kill herself? What was stopping her?
She had no idea either.
She told Joel what was breaking her at that moment, but she didn't mention how he was hurting her. She was afraid she would lose him.
" Don't hurt yourself Arabelle . "
" I don't know. "
" About ? "
" How long I can go without hurting myself. "
" Arabelle stop. "
" Stop what? "
No response.
How can you stop something that you can not control? It's not about being there for her. It's about giving her respect and telling her why you're not. She had fear in her eyes, and despair in her heart. How can something so well put together be so torn apart?
He was there for her, but then he left.
She fell asleep around 12am that night. She dreamt about him. Her dream made her feel so much worse. Knowing that she could only have him in her dreams made her realize that she was not good enough for him. Never will be. She had bruises and scratches all over her thighs.
Why couldn't he see how bad he was hurting her?
What is life without purpose? What is purpose without love?
He cares Arabelle, Why is it so hard for you to see that? Why is so hard to except the fact that he cares for you? Why don't you except the fact that you love him? Arabelle. You love him. Get over it. You're going to fall in love with people, just be happy you fell in love with someone who cares about you. Yeah, you two might never be one but who cares? He is there for you and that is all that should matter. It's not healthy to think this negative.
She was sitting there 8pm to 12am , just crying. She felt so alone. She felt like no one could stop her, she was invincible. So why didn't she try to attempt again?
Again.
Arabelle once tried to kill herself.
October 26th, 2013,
It was around 6pm that she took the pills. Two handfuls, not sure how many pills. She just knew it was two handfuls. Her parents weren't home. Only her brothers and grandma. What were you thinking Arabelle? Dying in front of your brothers. She took the handfuls, she told her friends goodbye went she felt it happening.
" ...Stop..."
" ...Throw them up!..."
She called a suicide hotline but all that could escape her lips was a breathless
" Sorry "
Her parents came home around 7:00pm with Arabelle's sister.
They were all gathered in the living room, watching television, and then Arabelle threw up. She ran to the bathroom and threw up even more.
It took about 5 minutes for someone to realize that she had thrown up. Her mom went to see what had happened.
" Yeah, probably just a bad lunch "
Arabelle went to go take a shower.
She threw up even more in the bathroom and her mom went in and asked her questions.
" Are you okay? "
" Why are you throwing up?"
Arabelle couldn't think straight.
" My friend gave me candy. "
She lied.
Her mom saw her throw up and noticed worn out pill capsules laying there on the shower floor. Arabelle was crying, naked.
" Get out! We're going to the hospital! "
Arabelle's mom was mad.
Arabelle was dragged out of the shower by her mom, and she was also dressed by her.
Arabelle didn't believe any of the things that were happening. Everything was happening too fast.
Arabelle remembers going to a firehouse, laying in a firetruck, just staring at her step dad. Why was she staring at him? Once in a while she would play with the firefighters chin hair. Arabelle was sent to an Emergency Room. She had to drink charcoal to get the pills out of her system or she would have to get a tube stuck down her throat. When Arabelle was conscious about what was happening the first thing she asked was
" Is Umbriel okay? "
She just tried to kill herself and she still cared more about someone else rather than her own self.
She was sent to a treatment center afterwards.
She spent 4 days in that treatment center.
Worst days of her life.
Now, about 1 and a half years later, she is still thinking about killing herself. I think that's the saddest part about living with a mental illness, that it's incurable. No cure, just cover ups. She had to cover up her sadness. She had to cover up her feelings. She learned that it was the best thing to do since October 26th.
Arabelle had no idea how to live her life. She was optimistic, yet so scared. She would care too much, or not care at all. That was another one of her flaws.
She fell in love, when she didn't even want to feel. She had a bad past with love, and no one understood.
She has never met her dad. He died before she could ever speak, and before that time he didn't even spend time with her. She's so scared that she's going to find a guy like her dad. One that'll leave. They all leave, right? That's why she didn't want to get attached, because they leave. Is that such a bad crime? She believed in ' Leave before you get left '. So she pushed people away, she was closed off, and that wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault at all. It wasn't.