Arabelle.

Exhausted.

"Nothing was the same after i lost you."

[ POV - Arabelle ]

Sept. 25th.

It was in July.
The 24th.
the day i lost you, it just wasn't the same.
I cried for days, and then pretended like i didn't care; but i did. I did care. That's why i cried.
School started in August, and i couldn't think straight. Everything was just going so wrong. I saw someone i used to talk to before i started talking to you. His name is Juan. He has a girlfriend now. Fuckboy. He's a fuckboy. He acted like he liked me, he led me on, and left. He left. Just like you. It's been hard. I'm only 16, and everything sucks.

Juan, he's about 5'6" , dick 'bout 6 inches, and he has a fucking girlfriend. she's like 4'5". like, what the fuck? i'm not saying height is a problem, and i'm not saying that i'm better than her, but what the actual fuck. What was all the bullshit he put me through the summer? Did it mean nothing to him? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. because it meant something to me. He knew i liked him, and i'm pretty sure he's knows i still do. I hate him though. I like him for who he was, but i hate him for who he's become. It was hard seeing his face on the first day of school.

Sept. 26th,

It fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking much. Everything fucking hurts.
I was in the shower shaving and the razor cut me. I felt the need to continue cutting through my flesh, i tried to stay strong. I did stay strong. I can still feel the burn from the cut.

I looked at my body through the mirror and almost threw up. I'm so disappointed in myself for getting this bad. Where did everything go wrong?
I was only 12 the first time i harmed my body. All because i wanted to be " perfect ". Now i don't believe that anyone is perfect. No one is perfect.

School is killing me. I have 3 AP classes, and everything is tumbling down on me. Homework. Homework. Homework. Stress. I'm only 16, why am i stressing so fucking much.
It's my junior year. Then, i'm a senior, after that - College. I'm so scared for the future.

I act like i'm fine, but nothing really good is happening. It's a normal day, a normal life.
I'm
Just
So
Stressed
And
Tired.
I don't want to be here. I need to start getting my shit together. I need to start doing what is good for me, not other people.

Friend Update :
Junior year i've met tons of new people, some from Sophomore year too. They're all really great, lovely people.
Internet friends, and friends in real life.

Some things are getting better, but i still miss my old habits.

I feel like no one needs me. No one wants me. No one. I'm lonely, once again. I'm exhausted from trying to be something other people want and need. I just want to be myself. Why cant i be myself. Why don't people like me for me.

It's the weekend now. I'm always alone on the weekend. I usually do my homework, listen to music, and sleep.

I feel terrible. I'm going to cry, and i have no idea what the reason is.

Everyday at school Umbriel ditches me for her boyfriend. It's cool and all, but i feel like she doesn't need me around. So why am i still around?

My thoughts are getting darker, i'm getting sadder. I'm crying more often. I go to my psychiatrist in 2-3 weeks. I don't think i can make it that long. I hope i do. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like shit. I'm not shit. I'm wonderful. Sometimes.

No one really needs me.
I'm always so upset.
I'm always so sad.
Why can't I stop feeling like this.
I fucking hate feeling like this all the damn time.