Arabelle.

Love.

WHY THE FUCK DID I TRUST YOU. WHY THE FUCK DID I THINK YOU CARED ?

[ POV - ARABELLE ]
October 27th, 2015
4:07p.m.

October 29th, 2015
8:41p.m.
What the fuck am i doing with my life, honestly? I have succeeded nothing, i have done nothing with my life and i'm 4 years from being 20 fucking years old.

Fuck, i'm so in love. It physically hurts me when i'm not talking to him. I'm in love. what does love mean to you? Because to me, love is when you see them at their worst and you don't care, because you love them. Love. I've seen him at his worst, i've seen him at his best and i love him for both of those times. He means the world to me, honestly, i've known him for a very long time and now that he's actually mine makes my heart feel all happy. I Love Him.

I went to my psychiatrist today,
" How are you? "
" i'm good "
I lied. I'm not doing okay, and just because i'm in love doesn't mean my depression is cured. Love isn't a cure-all when it comes to mental illnesses, it's not. Get that through your head.
He gave me a refill but i need more than a refill, i need something more. I'm immune to what i have been given. I've been so fucking sad lately, i hurt. I hurt so bad.

" How are you? "
is the worst question anyone can ask.
If they tell you everything is horrible, and everything sucks, what do you do? Do you sit there and listen? Do you ask questions? What do you do? I've always pressured people into telling me what's wrong, and i try to help. I really do, but i feel like i don't help at all. I am no help. I'm nothing.

October 30th, 2015
7:19a.m.

Halloween is tomorrow.
I'm so anxious right now and i'm not sure why.
My day started around 6:20, i've been getting dressed for an hour - well, i've been on my phone for an hour.

" Good morning ",
fuck. He's so fucking cute.
I wait for him to reply to me, and he does - once he wakes up.
I'm so in love, it's fucking crazy.
What is happening to me?

I have school today, i didn't go yesterday. I didn'f finish my homework and i have a test today. I'm so exhausted. It's been kind if easy, but at the beginning of the year it was bullshit. They slowed it down a little, and i can actually understand things. I'm passing all my classes, but i feel like i'm failing. I'm a failure. Do you know that feeling? When you're doing something, and you're doing good, but you feel like you're not doing it right? That's me everyday of my entire life. It honestly sucks. It sucks so fucking much and i want to cry, but i shouldn't cry because i'm doing fine. Not mentally, but grade-wise.

Friends. Sigh. They're great, i care about them, and all, but do they care about me? I look at them, and they tell me A L L their problems, and i'm wondering when it's MY turn to speak. When is it my turn to vent to someone? I think it's because no one honestly cares about me.

On Wednesday i took a couple of blades out of the razor, i didn't do anything, i held one to my wrist, but i did not glide it against my skin.

I suck, and no one cares. I hurt, and no one cares. The only person who probably cares is thousands of miles away.

November 5th, 2015
4:41pm.

Today's a good day.
" HAPPY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY "
He's the fucking cutest. That's the message i woke up to, we've been together for a month. I know that's not a long time, but it means something.
i'm in love, sometimes it hurts.
Sometimes i feel like shit because of him, but it's okay, he makes up for it.

I'm so fucking scared to lose him.