Arabelle.

Dreams.

" What happened to forever? Did it go down the drain with the rest of my dreams? "

[ POV - Arabelle's ]

I needed you. Fuck, I still do need you. Thing is, you are not there for me. I miss when you were there for me. You would comfort me, and tell me you cared. What happened to that? Why did it all of a sudden stop? I cry non-stop because I think you hate me, and I don't want the person I admire the most to hate me. I'm sorry i'm annoying. I'm sorry I need a constant reminder that you want me in your life.
You acknowledged me today, which made me even more confused. I wondered what was happening with you. My horoscope said I would overreact on a situation, and I think this is it, but I still wonder what is happening. You don't text me anymore, not the way you used to. Did you notice that ever since you noticed me I did my hair different? I look around the cafeteria for you. I try to get your attention, even though I would probably hesitate if you were to even talk to me ever again. I miss when talking to you was a daily thing. Now it's a chore. You pity me. I just want to talk to you. I just want you to be okay. I just want you to stop hurting me. I just want you. All of you.
I have abandonment issues. I never got the chance to meet my dad. I never even got a simple " Hello " from him. Why? Why did someone who didn't even know me just leave? I'm not sure what his name was, or what colours his eyes were, I'm not even sure what his face looked like. I wish I did though, I wish one day he can come up to me and hug me, but he can't. He's gone.
You're gone. Why did you have to leave me? Did you leave me? I feel like you did. I feel like you're never going to come back. You're never going to talk to me again. I lost you. I told you I was scared to talk to you, and get to know you, because I knew I would get attached, and I knew you would leave. I was right. It's not as pleasing as it sounds. I wish I were wrong. I wish you were to prove me wrong. I'm sorry I couldn't make you stay. I'm sorry if i'm overreacting. I'm sorry I got attached. I'm sorry. I guess this is all my fault, I gave you all I got, and it wasn't enough to make you stay. It wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough.
When you see me, or.. if someone says my name, what do you think? What is the first thing you think of? What do you think of me? Honestly, You don't have to sugarcoat anything. Just let me know. I want to know. I need to know. Do you ever even think about me? I think about you all the time, well when my mind isn't occupied with depressing thoughts that are telling me to kill myself. I'm starting to see things again, figures and shadows that aren't there. People think i'm weird. They call me scary. I just think they don't understand. They will never understand me. No one will ever understand me, and that's what scares me. That i'm too " difficult " for people to handle, so they just leave. I sometimes lay awake at night thinking of everyone who left my side. It scared me that you're now on that list. I dream about you. They're good dreams, we just talk about whatever, and it's great. It's great that we still share some words, even though it's just in my dreams.
Today, in 6th period - Mr. Casillas, I cried. I cried because of you, and the teacher noticed. Want to know what he said? He said
" Get you fat, bobbily head up and listen. "
I wanted to walk out.
I wanted to leave his classroom.
I didn't.
What i'm trying to say is, I could give up on you, but I won't. I can't. For some odd reason I think to myself that maybe you will be my friend again, if we were even friends to start with. Anyways, I hope we can be friends again. I hope we still are friends. I'm not sure. I just hope. I haven't used that word in a while because hardly do I ever hope for something.
I hardly hope for something because that means you get your hopes high, and what happens when what you hoped for doesn't happen? You get hurt. That's why it's better to expect nothing, but I still hope. I really do hope that things can go back to the way they were. I miss it. I'm sorry.