Arabelle.

Overreacting.

I can't feel a thing anymore, so go on and leave, there's the door.

[ POV - Arabelle's]

You looked at me today.
Multiple times.
You wanted to sit next to me today but you saw someone else was sitting next to me, and so you just decided to sit behind me.
I got in trouble in class today and you stared at me for a good minute. Like i was Caleb Shomo and it was my first time meeting you. Even though I know you've met Caleb Shomo before.
You held the door open for me, I was going to say
" I can hold my own door. "
but instead I just decided to not say a word.
I didn't want to make matters worse than what they were already.
I'm not sure how you feel about me, or what you think about me, but I honestly can't take not talking to you.
I need to talk to you.
I went to my Psychiatrist today.
He asked how I was doing in school,
I was going to say I got distracted easily because the only thing my mind is you.
You occupy my mind, even though you are no longer in my life.
I don't know what to say at this moment. All I can do is cry.
What did I do wrong?
I had the guts to text you today.
" Did I do something wrong? "
I asked.
It didn't even deliver.
Just sent.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I wish I wasn't this way.
I wish I were more positive when it comes to life, and the people that say they care about me.
I wish that, just once, I could believe someone when they say
" I care about you. "
Do you?
Like, honestly do you care about me?
I'm not sure if you do, I believe you don't, but I can't be too sure.
All day today I thought about you, and the way you smile, and your laugh. I heard you laugh today. It brightened my whole day, I wish it were me to make you laugh, but it's fine.
Recovery. I'm trying so hard to stop cutting. It's been more than 80 days since my last cut. Ever since I met you the urge has came back. I know that's bad, and I know I shouldn't have people who make me want to rip my skin open in my life but fuck did you make me happy. The worst part about that is that I used a past tense, because you are no longer in my life. Well, I think so. I'm not sure. I feel like I did something wrong that made you not want to talk to me.
" Why are you so mad? "
My sister asked me,
I wasn't sure why I was happy, until I realized that I was writing about you.
Why did you make me so happy, yet so sad?
How can someone feel polar opposites at the same time?
I swear that every word I wrote to you was true.
I truly did care about you.
I really did.
I still do.
You stole my heart, you stepped on it, and tried to put band-aids on it, and then stepped on it once more.
I convinced myself that you hate me.
You know why I tell myself that you hate me? because I seriously just want to forget that you exist. I think, if i convince myself that you hate me, then it would be easier to get over you? but i also don't even want to forget you. I want to sit next to you and make you laugh all day, but i know i can't do that because someone like me doesn't make someone like you happy. i don't make anyone happy. But, I tell myself you hate me, so it can just be easier to forget you. I'm stuck between wanting to forget you, and wanting to get to know you better, and it really sucks.