Arabelle.

Attached.

" But I can't let go, because this echoing confusion of hope is deep down inside of me. "

[ POV - Arabelle's ]

Every night I lay awake, and I know my heart will break, but the worst part is knowing that it's happening to you.
It was 2:51am, I woke up out of no where, and I cried. You know how broken I must be for me to wake-up and cry?
It's been exactly 88 days since I have last put a blade to my skin.
honestly, i hate myself. I know hate is a strong word, and it shouldn't be used so loosely, but it's true. Every day I wake up and sigh, and by the end of the day I would've cried like 2-5 times. I'm so emotionally unstable and I can't handle myself. I was happy for a while. I didn't dread getting out of bed, I didn't cry, I didn't have the urge to rip my skin open. Until I met you. I know I shouldn't want someone in my life that makes me feel the way you do, but you used to make me so happy. I liked when talking to you was a daily thing, now it's just a chore. You used to care, well you acted liked it. I care for you, and that's the last thing I told you. That I cared about you. I don't even care about me though, I just hope that you're okay. I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're doing better than me because right now i'm crying my eyes out with a sharp tool in my hand just thinking of the reasons I should, and shouldn't do what I am thinking of. There is nothing that is stopping me. No one cares enough to stop me. It's been a while since someone asked if I was okay, I'm not. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in a long time. I shouldn't be complaining right? because someone out there has it worse. I'm shaking. I don't think things will get better. People keep telling me it'll get better, but it never does. I've been waiting for it to get better for 5 years. It has only gotten worse. I'm sad, I'm tired, I don't want to be alive. I don't want to feel.
I want this to all be over with. I want everything to stop. I'll end up old and all alone, and i'm not sure how I feel about that. I just don't want to get attached. Is that so much to ask for? I see people so happily in love, they write poetry about it, they make songs about how happy it makes them, but what about the other side of love? Everyone talks about falling in love, but nobody talks about all the pieces you have to pick up when that person doesn't catch you when you fall. Fall. Oh, I wish it were fall, but no. It's Spring, almost Summer. School is almost over with, 2 more months. Summer isn't as fun as it sounds for me, but it gets me away from school. It gets me away from seeing Joel, and i'm fine with that. I need to forget him the way he forgot me. Why can't I forget him the way he forgot me?
I realized I keep saying " It hurts ", like i just got a shot or something. I have so much emotional pain that it's turning into physical pain. I get headaches, and my stomach turns into knots.
You know how I went to my psychiatrist yesterday?
Well, he asked how I was doing in school.
I said I was getting distracted easily.
He then asked why,
My favourite question.
I had to bite my tongue and count to 10 so I wouldn't have said
" Because i'm in love, and when you're in love the only thing you can ever think about is their smile, or laugh, maybe even their voice. "
Your voice. I haven't heard it in a while because we haven't talked recently, why haven't we talked? I miss you so fucking much. It's hurting me.
" I'm not sure, I just feel like school is overwhelming. ",
I said instead. The only thing that was overwhelming me was the fact that we haven't talked in so long.
" Okay, We'll change your medication. Are you fine with that? "
Was I fine with that? Was I fine at all?
Yesterday I texted you, I asked
" did I do something wrong? "
I got no reply from you.
So I took it as a yes.
I fucked up, and I'm sorry.
I nodded yes, I was fine with changing my medicine. I needed the help. I have been so unstable for so long. I need to be happy again.