Arabelle.

Lonely.

You told me it was worth it, because you said it would last.

[ POV - Arabelle's ]

I saw him today, and these whispers in my head are torturous. They remind me of the past, telling me I survived, but have I? Have I really survived because i'm still here wishing I was 6 feet deep. Just like my father.
I watched him forget about me. it was so easy for him. I am no longer anything to him, and i'm starting to think that I never was anything to him. It's raining today. For me it rains everyday, but nobody sees the rain drops fall. The rain lands on my thighs, and seeps through my pants. The rain drops then touch my sensitive cuts. Fuck it burns. I wonder what he feels like. Is he doing okay? I heard him laugh today. I haven't heard it in a while. I'm glad he's laughing.
I should leave him alone and move on, I know that, but I don't know how to. I wish it were easier for me. I wish I didn't get so attached. Why did I have to fall in love?
I'm sitting here listening to Hotel Books. The lyrics tend to remind me of him.
I haven't forgotten anyone I have ever liked , so how can I forget him?
My wrist burns, it may just be a scratch, but it still hurts to move it around.
Why would I want someone who doesn't want me?
One day i'll fall out of love with him, and i'll fall into love with someone else, maybe one day i'll find the right one. Maybe I won't.
What if I don't?
I'll end up alone.
I don't want to be alone. I can't handle being alone. It's lonely.
I no longer want to come to school, because I don't want to see his face. I don't want to see his face because he's so happy. He's happy, and i'm hurt. He hurt me, and he doesn't even give a fuck.
I wish my feelings were gone, I wish I didn't feel. I don't want to feel. Feelings have ruined me. He's a lifeless face i'll soon forget. The words he had spoken to me run through my head, All day, all night. Every second of the day I am thinking about him. The way be made me so happy, but then chose to forget me. Why did he choose to forget me? I'm not calling him a ghost, but can he please stop haunting me. I love him so much i'm going to let him kill me. I bite my tongue when i'm around him so I don't speak the words I have so long wished to say to him.
I closed my eyes as I was listening to music, and the thought of him escaped my head. There was a complete silence. What is happening to me?
I still care about him, of course.
I wish he still cared about me though.

I saw him again, with his friends, he smiled. Not at me. Just in general. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. The last time I felt that feeling was when I saw him, about a month ago, I was going to my 7th period class, and I had saw him while turning the corner, and that's when it happened. My heart fell into my stomach.
I couldn't breathe until I got him out of my sight.
Now I'm sitting here, In my 3rd period class, thinking of him, overs and overs. Joel used to be so sweet, what happened to that? Did he get tired of me? He probably did. I feel so pathetic.

I saw him again, he was smiling, it's good to see him smile. I'm happy that he's happy. I should be happy for my own sake, but that just can't happen. I was walking my friend to 8th period and I had saw him again. I yelled " I hate you. " Three times, not sure if he heard or if he thought they were for him, but I said it.
I really do hate him. I wish I never met him. He destroyed me, and he doesn't even care.
I texted him,
" Hi.. So, What is up with you lately? Like, you just stopped talking to me out of no where.. "
It took courage to do something like that when you know you should just stop everything.
I hate him.
No response
Just like usual.
I shouldn't have expected anything out of that.
I shouldn't expect anything.
I woke up today and it hurt to put on my jeans because of the fresh cuts on my thighs.
Yesterday I sat there, next to Joel, scratching my wrist overs, and overs. Until I broke skin,

He finally responded. Saying he was trying to stay distant from people. Saying he was tired of people. I asked if you were tired of me. He said no. I didn't believe it.
I'm not sure what to feel.
Today has been a long day.
A rough day.
I wanted to lay in bed, fall asleep, and forget everything.
I know I wouldn't forget him though. I would probably dream about him or some bull shit like that.
I was partially happy that he told me though, after all this time. I still wondered why he would stop talking to me, I must've done something wrong. I know I did. He just doesn't want to hurt me. Again with the pity. I hated that. I want empathy not sympathy.