Arabelle.

Jittered.

I don't want to be alive if i'm not spending it in your arms.

[ POV - Arabelle's ]

I don't know how to start this off anymore.
I wish I didn't feel a thing.
I'm starting to fall for someone else, it's a little crush. She's beautiful. Yes, i'm gay - Pansexual to be more clear. I haven't told anyone about her because i'm still hung up on Joel. I think i'll always have a space for him in my heart. I think that's how it works, you find someone you absolutely admire and they take up a big part of your heart, but when you realise you may never have a chance with them, or something along those lines, that part of your heart that was for them grows smaller, and you have to find someone - or something - to help make that part of your heart grow again. I know that sounds lame, but it's what I believe. I think we'll always have a part in our heart for our past lovers. Even if we're aware or unaware of it.
I have to go to my uncles' today to plan out the invitations, and center pieces for my " Sweet 16 ", I don't really like it being called that.
Joel hasn't talked to me since yesterday.
I think i'm getting over him, slowly but surely.
Maybe i'm not, i'm not too sure.
You can say you're over someone when you're not seeing them. The challenge is to look them in the eyes, see their smile and hear their laugh and still be able to say " I'm over them ".
So, i'm not sure i'm over him. I'm not even sure i'm going to get over him, but one day I will be happy. I know it because at some point I have to stop being so angry, I have to stop being so sad, I have to stop killing myself and start being gentle with myself. At some point I have to let it all go and be happy. I have to spread love and stop being afraid of it. I have to love myself and everyone around me before it's too late. I can't waste time being unhappy over trial things. I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't do it to myself and I'm definitely not going to let someone else do it.
I'm so scared of people around me, I can't be so scared of loving someone. Everyone who terrifies me is 50-75% water, and we were all made of stardust. I know I can't breathe underwater, and sometimes the night sky makes me sad, but I am also an ocean, and stars, so I can not be afraid of my own kind. I shouldn't be.
Six months ago he was just a face in the school hallways, but now he is the only face I see in the crowd.
It's 8:33pm and i'm still at my uncles.
I'm not sure what's going on, my mind is too occupied with the thought of everything happening at this moment.
I am in-love.
I'm not too sure how long it'll be, hopefully i'll get over it soon.
He's just bones, a beating heart and a pair of bright eyes how can he fuck me up so bad?
I think it's time to let him go, and that's so hard for me to do because some part of me will always be in-love with him; but the daydreaming, the running in place, it's too much. so this is me cutting the cord, this is me doing what I should've done weeks ago. I need to leave him. My heart needs to stop having feeling for him. My mind needs to forget him. I tried so hard though, I hope he knows that. I tried harder than anyone can ever imagine, and now here I am, trying my best to forget everything. Every piece of him, his smile, the way he laughs, and his voice. I can still hear his voice roaming through my head. Reminding me of what he said. I remember when he said he cared for me, does he still care for me? If I were to disappear would he wonder what happened to me? I wish I knew.
My horoscope told me I should speak my mind today or it would be the death of me. I haven't spoke my mind, so I think i'm going to regret not saying anything, but I also think i'm going to be okay. It's better to not say anything and forget the situation rather than keep bringing it up, and reminding yourself of what's killing you.
I'm still so angry at myself for not being good enough to stay in his life.
I wasn't good enough.
Not for a lot of people,
I live my life knowing i'm not good enough.
Expecting nothing.
For some odd reason though, this time I expected something from someone and I was left with disappointment.
I am so fucking sad,
I am no longer sane.
I'm sitting here and no one can notice how broken I am.
I'm so broken.
I'm so jittered around him.
So nervous for no reason.
I'm scared.
I don't want to feel this.
I never did.
I wonder why people can't see how broken I am.
Is it because I smile, or because I hide my cuts and scars?
I want everyone to know how much they hurt me.