oneshots and scenarios <3

16. jean kirstein (aot)(angst)

││ now playing: Francis Forever

││✎. ° Mitski

││ 1:54 --◦---- 2:29

│┊ ⇄ ◁◁ II ▷▷ ↻ ┊

╭┈ .· * • ˚

│ ✶ : · • all my opinions of what i think he would write if he were making this in his diary

│ ✧.｡. * coming from a jean kinnie

│ .· * jeanmarco, jeankasa

│♡ 。• * major season 1-chap 139 spoilers

╰────────✬ * ˚ ✶

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i just wanted to live in the interior with my mom...

i joined the suvey corps so we could live in a safe please with no fear of titans. at first i was hoping not to make any friends because i was gonna leave the ones joining the garrison and scouts, if you havent noticed: i was pretty confident about joining.

but i made a friend... the best friend i could ever ask for. me letting my guard down i made a lot of new friends. the that special first one... he was different...

the boy's name was marco bodt. purely the kindest boy you'll ever met. i didn't deserve him. he was my first love. i was ashamed when i first realized it, because being gay was a disgrace to humanity back then, it still is which is why i've never came out to anyone. i felt fuzzy inside, i felt the same way i feel around mikasa when i was around him. it made my face heat up and i got butterflies.

when we went into the trost fight, i felt my sanity slowly draining from me. but marco was the one to cheer me up... every time every time we separated he wished me luck and when we met back up he said he was proud of me and said i was amazing.

i soon found out my first love was dead. his corpse layed against a house and he only had half a face and only one arm. i can still mildly remember what he looked like when i found him.

all i could think of was "nobody was there? nobody even knows his last words! i wish i could go back in time.  is it my fault? was i to blame? for separating with him?"

every night after that i would grab a piece of paper and draw my feelings, which is funny because i still do that and i write. most of my drawings had marco right smack in the middle of the paper.

one night, i decided to draw marco, but... there was one big problem. what did he look like?

"how many freckles did he have? wait was his hair dark brown or black?" there were questions like this running through my brain and it was causing me anxiety. then i finally realized i forgot what i boyfriend looked like. the rest of the night i silently cried so my roommates couldn't hear me.

i never admitted i forgot what he looked like to anyone or to even myself for a while.

a few years later, i was forced into a war because of my friend eren. the one where my best friend died.

god, i worked so hard on my trust issues and finally called connie and sasha my best friends. now one of them is gone... she's gone for good this time.

"oh no, it's definitely my fault now. why would i ignore what she said? i mean i know that her hearing is extremely accurate but all i did was tell a drunk crowd to quiet down."

i visited her grave her grave every so often, but sense i don't live near her grave anymore i only visit her about 2-3 times a year on vacations.

i used to almost always find mikasa there. those are the only times i see her cry, which is when she visits her past friends. she's so beautiful when she cries. she's so beautiful when she smiles. god mikasa is a perfect angel. i wished i wasn't myself i wanted to be with her.

mikasa and eren are in love and won't admit it. their love is the whole reason all of this happened. their love is so strong. nothing can break it. i was jealous of it, i still am. that's why i didn't want to be myself.

if only mikasa thought of me as the way she thought of eren.

i later found out what actually happened to marco. reiner knew. he more than knew... he did it. forced marco to get eaten by a titan. one of my good friends killed my first love. i thought he didn't have a heart after all the horrible things he's done within my life. i still can't look at him the same.

once the battle of heaven and earth started that was the most scared i've been in my life.

the battle of heaven and earth was also when we had to kill eren. in order to kill eren, we had to stay behind while the ackermans and the ones with titan abilities went to murder eren. and if mikasa had not to not kill eren, i wouldn't be writing this, for i would still be a titan.

so before we got turned into titans, me and connie spent our "last" moments together in each others arms before getting turned into mindless titans.

soon enough, i opened my eyes and my hands were normal again, i was normal again.

we did it. the hell was finally over...

when we all realized we were human we stood back up and i hugged connie happy to be alive. i released the hug and we looked to our side and there was sasha saluting to us with a smile in the wind. she was as pretty as always. she would be here right now if eren hadn't dragged us into the stupid war with marley. then she faded away in the wind.

"what now?" i thought. "where do we start our new lives sense everyone's homes have been stepped on and been flattened like a pancake.

then i looked over at mikasa walking away in the smoke cloud with eren's head in her arms going to bury him. that was the last time i would've seen her for 3 years. she was as beautiful as always.

we officially named that the "battle of heaven and earth."

3 years later it was finally time to meet mikasa for the first time since the battle. me, armin, connie, annie, pieck, and reiner were on our way to see mikasa and back to where the walls had previously been. mikasa sat next to the grave of eren in front of her childhood tree when we saw her. i watched as she hugged my friends admiring how she's still gorgeous...

she's still in love with the idiot named eren yaeger.

it's been four years since then, me and mikasa are married and have a toddler.

but not once in this time we've been together, it never felt like mikasa truly loved me with at least most of her heart.

i could never compete with eren. not ever. even if we have a child together and our house is full of love, she'll always choose eren over me. she's beautiful, she's kind, she's gentle, and she deserves the world. but most importantly she deserves eren...