𝚃𝙾𝚇𝙸𝙲 ⭑ 𝒗.𝒅.𝒂

𝑬 𝑰 𝑮 𝑯 𝑻 ♱

Victoria and my sister had so many conversations in the kitchen, about I have no idea because they didn't let me in. I was forced to spend the whole day making paintings with my little siblings. Right now we finished diner and Victoria is going home in a few minutes, so I'm pulling on my shoes to bring her to her scooter.

"Livvy? Can I talk to you?", Victoria says, as soon as we step into the elevator. "Sure, what?", I caress her back and place little kisses on her cheeks. "I-I w-want to be uhm", muttering she says. "Vic what?". "What we have, is t-that a r-relationship?". She sighs, but not in relief. I hold my breath and choke in my own spit. "Well I-I don't know". I remember what Thomas said, that he would kill me if I would break her heart, but I know what she wants. And than it's gonna change, because I don't want it, and I just want it to stay like this.

"Vic, I-I can't date you", I swallow, taking her hand. "Why?", she says, while tears gather in her eyes. "Viccy, please, I'm not the person you want to date, I don't deserve you". I was right, she wasn't gonna be happier with me around. Her hand is sweaty, before she takes her hand out of mine. In the hall from the appartment complex, we stand, saying no words. "You do, and I really want to", she quickly wipes her own tears away. "Victoria, I'm serious, I'm no good for you", I feel so bad about letting her down this way, but I don't wanna break her heart with dating her, and than leaving after a few months, because I know I'm that kind of person. And I don't say I like myself for that, I even hate myself for it.

"But what if I think your good enough". I close my eyes and swallow. Her sadness disappeared and turned into something called anger. "If you don't want to be with me, just fucking say it Olivia", she snaps and I hear footsteps running away from me, but I keep my eyes closed, to avoid the tears. In the distance between us I hear her sob and struggling with her scooter.

"Victoria, please listen", my legs run towards the door from the hall, which Victoria left open. "Don't". That is the only and last thing she says, before she starts her scooter and drives away through the light streets of Rome, leaving me there. And I don't blame her, I broke her heart, and to be honest, mine broke too

I have no idea how long, but for minutes or maybe even hours I sat there. On the ground in the hall from the appartment complex where I live, watching it getting dark outside, and I just hoped Victoria came back, but she didn't. And she won't come back, and that is my fault, I fucked it up and I broke her heart. My phone fell out of my pocket when it started buzzing, and my heart stopped when I saw Thomas texted me.

"Why aren't you good enough for her?"

"She is really upset, you broke her heart, and I told you not to"

I know Thomas means it well for his best friend, but this isn't his business, and I need to talk to Victoria myself if I want to make it up to her, but I'm too badass to date her, but too pussy to make it good with her.

Ignoring Thomas maybe wasn't the best option, but my mind wasn't able to come up with something to write back to him. "Olivia what are you doing?", my minds gets interrupted by my sister, who runs towards me as soon as she sees me sitting in the hall. My tears dried and I was able to speak normal, "Vic asked to date her, and I told her I wasn't the right one to date, and now she left". In a panicking voice I talk to Maddison, who sits down next to me.

"Why aren't you good for her", she asked, taking my hand. "I'm a fucking toxic slut, and Victoria wants a relationship, and I'm not good at being a loving girlfriend". For the first time in ever I cry, with someone next to me. "And you don't think you can change, for her?", Maddie says, laying her head on my shoulder. "I don't k-know, a-and I j-just didn't wanna break h-her heart, and now I d-did". I hide my face in my hand and see new messages on my phone, and again they are from Thomas.

"Liv please, she is so upset, she needs a reason"

Over my shoulder I see my sister looking at the messages the guitarist sent me. "What are you gonna say?", she asks and my fingers start typing something.

"Thomas, I never wanted it like this. But Victoria is way to good for me. And I'm a fucking toxic slut, and I don't wanna break her heart over and over again"

Without waiting for an answer, I shut down my phone and put it away in my pocket. "I hate myself, why am I like this, why?". Maddison is a little overwhelmed by everything so she says nothing. "Maddie please s-say something", I ask her, a little scared. We still sit in the hall, and the moon shines into the building, while the rest is all dark.

"I think you should talk to her". "You really don't know me right? I'm not a talker", I snap, looking away. "But if you want her to understand, you will have to talk, ignoring her will only make her more sad.", Maddison stays calm and gets up. "Come let's get home, so you can calm down". She helps me up, and still sobbing a little, I get into the elevator and push to button towards our appartment.

"What is going on?", Mauro looks a little shocked as soon as he sees my cry face, since he probably never saw that face before. "I'm gonna text Thomas", I say, lying, I'm not planning on doing that. I just need some time for myself, to think. Maddie was right, and so was Thomas. Victoria needs a reason, and she has the right to know, I mean I acted like I loved her pretty bad. And I'm not saying I don't, she is hot, beautiful, amazing and so kind, how could I not love her.

For a long time I stare at my phone. Thomas didn't said something back, he only red it. I think about what to write, and how to let Victoria know I need to talk to her, because even though how bad I am in talking, I have to. And maybe I can change, because some things I said today are true, but I never said I don't wanna be all hers.  

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