𝚃𝙾𝚇𝙸𝙲 ⭑ 𝒗.𝒅.𝒂

𝑵 𝑰 𝑵 𝑬 ♱

A few days passed and I still am too pussy to talk to Victoria. It's weird, because I'm badass enough to tell her that we shouldn't start dating, and I'm too pussy to talk to her. I ignored the topic 'Victoria' when Maddison starts talking about it. Right now I'm lying on my bed, staring at my room, and the memorial place for my parents. It's a picture with my mom, my dad and I. The picture is surrounded by flowers, roses because my mom loved them, and sunflowers because my dad used to take Maddison and I to a sunflowers field.

Knocks on my door wake me up from my thoughts, and I sigh. "Who?", a little rude I ask, whising they would leave me alone. "Thomas is here", Maddison says, and it feels like I get a heart attack. "Liv, can I come in?", now it's Thomas his voice who talks to me and asks. "Yes o-of course", in a still shocked tone I say, and my voice cracks. The guitarist steps into my room, looking around. I just realized I didn't even told Victoria that my parents died, and I knew Thomas was gonna ask about it, since his eyes stopped at the memorial place.

"Sit down if you want", I point at a couch with a chair next to it in the corner of my room. Thomas sits down on the chair, still looking at the desk. "Thomas listen", I stop, to take a deep breath. "Why do you think you are not good enough for Vic, she-", he stops, looking at the rings around his finger. "She loved you Olivia". As soon as those words come out of his mouth tears gather up in my eyes, again. Quickly I wipe them away, thinking about something to respond. "That is what I mean, I-", I am about to tell Thomas something I never told anyone. "When I was 17 I had a relationship with a women".

I take a deep breath and continue, "we had a relationship, and it was very toxic. After two months for me it was over, and I didn't felt the same way about her", the first tear rolls down my cheek as I sit down. "Than my parents died, and I didn't wanted her to help processing it, just because I didn't had feeling anymore". Thomas hold his breath as soon as the 'dead parents' topic drops. "I left her, and I broke her heart", I sigh, in relieve actually. This was the first time I really told this to someone.

"I'm so sorry about your parents Liv", he says, but finding other words than that in this conversation is a little hard. "I just don't wanna break Victoria her heart like I did to her, I mean the feeling when I'm with Vic is so different, I just-", I had to stop talking, and wipe my tears away. "I just don't think I am a good girlfriend, I am a heart breaker". Thomas stays quiet, and so do I.

My hands shake and I just wanna scream and cry. "You are not bad or wrong Liv, you were grieving, and everyone processes it in their own way", he smiles, making me sob even harder. "Can I ask you something?", he continues talking and I nod, while trying to calm myself, by breathing deep in and deep out. "What are the feeling you have for Victoria". Honestly I had know idea, because I never felt it. And don't get me wrond, because I didn't broke her heart because I didn't felt something.

The only reason I broke her heart, is because I'm scared, scared that I will fuck it up, again. "I don't know, but it felt right", I say, finally calming down a little bit. I get up, walking towards my parents memorial, to feed to flowers and replace the three candles who are always burning there. "Thomas, I really wanna talk with her, for days now, but I'm too pussy, what should I do", I ask, looking a little desperate into his eyes. "You can come with me if you want, or you could meet at a cafe, I'll help you with it". How was Thomas so nice to me, he only knew me for a week, and I already broke his best friend her heart, and even though he helps me.

"I don't know", whispering I say, hearing Thomas walking towards me. "Is it okay if I tell her what you said, than you can text her whenever you are ready to talk", over my shoulder he looks at me replacing the last candle, and placing a hand kiss on the picture. "How did it happened?". "What happened?", I ask, cleaning up the water I spilled. "With your parents", he asks, carefully, knowing this was my weak spot. I swallow, because this was also gonna be the first time I am going to tell someone exactly how I lost both my parents.

"In a war, they were in the army, and you know what happens sometimes there", I squeeze in my fist, avoiding the tears that gather up in my eyes. "It was two years ago", I take a deep breath and don't breathe it out, which is another way to avoid a sea of tears behind my eyes. "I'm so sorry Olivia", he says, and opens his arms, to give me a hug. This is what I needed, a hug, no matter from who. "Thank you", I say, crying into his chest.

Thomas left, and I still feel bad. Talking to Thomas was so nice, and it felt actually so good to share my feelings with someone, but I still broke Victoria her heart, and I still have to figure out what I want. I remember when I said to Maddison that it was just a one night stand, but right now I'm not very sure it was just a fucking one night stand.

Desperate for answers about my feeling I let myself fall back on my bed, turning on the radio, where Damiano his voice is coming out, and to be honest, the lyrics of their song 'Coraline' made me cry a little.

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