Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

10. Drew, Interrupted

The saddest thing to come out of this is the realization of just how far I've come. I say that with the understanding that far is relative, and in my circumstance it may have only been one step, the barest push of the needle half an inch up the gauge, but for someone who has been where I've been and had all the color drained from their world, that's everything. To feel anything other than like I'd rather be dead. After seeing Chad at the shop though, after talking to him and being so close to him, I'm right back to seeing the world in black and white. It's only been a couple days, but in those couple days I haven't eaten a thing, I can hardly get out of bed, and I've skipped more of my classes now than I probably have in the past eight years.

It's Friday and my brain is foggy, I'm the dead walking, transported to right when I got out of Resthaven and I had to try and decide how I was going to get through the rest of my life without wanting to kill myself. I appreciate Cat so much, she alone has been the one person I can lean on for support. She may not know everything, but she knows enough, and she gets it, so even when she doesn't exactly have the words to make it better I find comfort in this pain that we can share. It's the safest kind of pain; known, familiar. Commiserative.

I check my phone as I walk up the path towards school, hoping to see what's rapidly becoming her usual text letting me know she's waiting at my locker. I'm sure she is, but the focus I put on my phone as I consider it leaves me totally exposed.

"Hold up, hey, Drew! Wait a sec," the lilting music I hadn't been paying any attention to stops, and Troy hops off the wall, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He's been texting me too, of course, I wouldn't have expected anything else, but he obviously hasn't taken the hint considering I haven't returned even a single one of those texts. He keeps his distance, which I suspect is better for both of us, yet he still inches forward as close as he dares, crossing his arms. "I haven't heard from you in a while, I was starting to get, well, you know. But not like that, not in a bad way! I don't want to be one of those people who's all like we should talk about it, it's just, I want you to know I'm here is all."

"What is this, Troy?" It sounds cold, automatic, totally different than how I mean it. Truthfully I'm not really all that mad about it anymore, it's kind of hard to carry a grudge when there's so much more I have to contend with. I'm surprised he didn't try this sooner, but then again he did completely cut school yesterday, I have no idea why. I don't care either, though I do have a few ideas. I confront him, "did you run back to your dad? Did he tell you all about the little breakdown I had at the shop? Is that why you stopped me? Let me put your mind at ease, I'm clearly still alive so you don't have anything to be worried about."

"This has nothing to do with my dad," he says, serious, taking a step forward when I start to turn away. "Or any of the other stuff you said. Look, you got me, I don't know what I'm doing but obviously I still said something that pissed you off. So I'm sorry, alright? I miss talking to you, there have been at least three—no wait, four—yeah, four different things I've wanted to pick up the phone and text you about since last night. And sure, fine, I admit it, honestly I needed to see that you're okay."

"Why do you care so much?" I ask without irony. I can't decide whether or not I believe him, Coach had looked pretty out of sorts when he came back the other day to find me after my panic attack. I lied and told him I was sick and had to go home before I got out of there, but I'm still not the greatest when it comes to lying so I don't think he really bought it. How do I know he didn't tell Troy about it, or that he didn't ask him what he knows?

"I just do." But Troy never lies, or if he does he's gotten so good at it that no one would ever be able to tell. He lowers his eyes, "you were wrong when you said we weren't friends."