Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

15. What You Need

Most of my day is spent in thought, concerned with Cat and the revelation she dropped on me this morning. I absolutely get that it's not all about me, but that shouldn't mean I don't get to have any feelings about it, and man, I have a lot of them. Why didn't she say anything sooner? If I'd agreed to meet with her after school, or even to talk tomorrow, would the outcome have been any different? I'm a damaged sixteen-year-old kid, the thought of either me or Cat being responsible for anything besides ourselves is the most horrifying thing I can think of. But I am responsible, regardless, I sat through sex ed in sixth grade same as everyone else, I'm so ashamed of myself that I let this happen.

I hate that I really hurt someone I care about. It seems like the next logical step would be to reach out to her again, to apologize, to try and make it right—even if I can't fix it—but I've only been feeling more and more overwhelmed and I can't think of where I'd start. With my final class over I'm somehow supposed to pack all of this up neatly so I can go with Troy and play the good friend to his family this weekend, but how do I fake it? If I was good at pretending I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. It doesn't help either that I can't escape the rest of what's made this day so terrible already.

Even just standing here at my locker, loading all my books into my bag, I'm accosted by the loud and raucous whooping that suddenly fills the halls. I recognize the guys from the swim team, and there's this incredible moment where my gut pinches and I think that I might miss it, the camaraderie and the competition, until I see Chad right there in the midst of them. What a funny and remarkable sensation, to find how passion and grief can coexist. Despite the hole Coach insists my absence has left, they've obviously got along quite well, considering how unworried they are for the meet they have on Monday.

"Listen up, party at my house this weekend courtesy of Goodbury High's future state champs! Yes there will be beer, and yes there will be babes, and if you somehow don't already know the address, get it from one of the boys on your way out because everybody's invited! Even the fatties and the losers!" Chad exerts among the excited murmurs of the crowded hallway. The idea of a party with Chad Keller must be an exhilarating one from the outside looking in, but for someone like me, who's been in that situation before, it only feels like fire and waves.

"You sure that's a good idea?" One of the guys from the team says after they've broke away, within earshot of me.

"Aren't your parents still pissed at you?" Says another as they continue down the hall, closer now.

"Not so much, who do you think gave me permission? I had to go to damn near every pawn shop in the state, but I finally found a ring that looks just like grandad's. Dad's happy, and I get to have a party—everybody wins." Chad remarks, proud of his scheme. I learned my mistake from before, I don't bother to even look as they pass, I leave it completely up to fate and pray that it'll work out as well as Chad tricking his dad. But when have I ever been that lucky? "Speaking of, you're invited too, Andy."

A deep sense of ill washes through me when I hear that stupid pet name he'd given me the first year we did swim together. Aqua Andy he'd call me. I hadn't hated it so much then, despite how nobody ever calls me that, because for a time it made me feel special, even if now it only feels so cruel. I thought I would've run away, that makes the most sense, but it's almost automatic when I turn to face him.

"How about it?" He twists the knife deeper.

"I don't think so." My insides vibrate, but by some miracle I manage to say more than one word to him. Maybe it's because of the other guys, guys I know from swim, guys I had been friendly with before all of this. We were never super close, but we were a team. After all that, now they just belong to Chad and the toxic mess he's made of that once sacred bond.