Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

29. The Boy in the Backwards Hat

Being unemployed has been a challenging adjustment, for the first time in my semi-adult life I don't have anything to occupy my days after school—unless you want to count therapy every Thursday—I almost don't know what to do with myself. Nothing else has really changed in the weeks since I quit my job unfortunately, but I've been using the opportunity to commit myself to the hard work I've sworn to see through. Next week will make one month since I began, in earnest, this journey to finally get better. What a great way to celebrate that by also celebrating my boyfriend, who happens to turn eighteen next week too. I still can't believe Troy is about to be an actual adult, but I'll only be a year behind him. All the more reason to take this seriously.

"Last summer, something bad happened to me and I'm still learning to deal with it." I study myself in the mirror, in a reflection that's too close. Green eyes that are so dull they might pass for grey depending on the light stare back, along with hair that balances on the line between brown and blonde given the same circumstance. Not to mention skin that's paler than most, covered in surprisingly dense hair far darker than what's on my head. I've managed to put some weight back on though, healthy weight, since being home. So many things that make up a version of me that I can't decide fits anymore. "This is stupid, why did I think this would help? Seriously, I'd rather talk to the wall, at least then it wouldn't be as awkward."

"If it's stupid then why do you keep doing it?" Troy strums absently on his guitar, working on the song he's writing while half entertaining my ill-practiced tools of recovery.

"The stuff I was reading online acted like it's supposed to make having the conversation easier, practicing it like this. I've got to tell you though, if it's anywhere near this uncomfortable I'll probably end up taking it to my grave." Mostly it's a joke, to make light of the difficult situation, but by how he stops playing to look at me from his place on my bed I gather he must take it seriously. I consider buttoning my shirt back up, but vote against it, going to sit beside him. "Don't worry, I know I can't, not if I want to get better. Actually, I've been considering telling my therapist—about Chad, and everything."

"Just considering it?" Troy resumes playing his instrument. "Seems like a solid plan to me."

"I'm going to. Only thing is, I have to figure out the best way to bring it up. First with her, and then with my mom and dad." The last part is more of an afterthought, I'm glad they've kept their word on being patient, but I haven't forgot that they want answers too.

"Probably smarter to bring it up in therapy first, I'll bet your shrink can help you with the rest so it won't seem so awkward. Give yourself some room to breathe, there's no rush to tell the whole world right yet. When you're ready you're ready, I think you should focus less on what you think everyone else needs, and more on what you do." He offers his sage advice so casually, still as though he's only half paying attention, and so oblivious of how much he sounds like Cat here. There's a pang when I think about her, but Troy returns me to reality. "You should come back and work at the shop."

"This again? Leave it alone, I told you I don't want to talk about it anymore." I express, exasperated.

"There was no reason for you to quit, my dad feels terrible about the whole thing—he was saying so again just the other day."

"Well then tell him he doesn't have to."

"I'm serious." Troy says dryly.

"So am I." Unlike him I'm not so oblivious, so I realize the hurt feelings all around, but it's the kind of thing that can't be avoided in these situations. He gets that, I know he does, even if he doesn't want to fess up to it. Resigning with a sigh, I scoot over closer to him and press my face against his shoulder. "I'm not mad about it or anything, your dad has done so much for me already, I don't mind doing this one for him."