Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

17. All the Small Things

A quiet thunder rumbles outside, somewhere off in the distance while I sit beside my window and stare out at the grey sky. It's a miracle I'm able to hear it over my parents fighting downstairs where they've been going at it for close to an hour already. This is way too familiar, their arguments are getting worse and worse, to the point where they're practically at each other's throats every day. I get up from my seat and turn on some music, employing my old tactics, just loud enough to drown them out before I stop and catch my reflection in the mirror. Two months ago I was terrified to look at myself, but maybe that was because I hadn't come to terms yet with what happened to me.

Is that what this looks like, coming to terms? I suppose I don't hate what I see, but, I'm not in love with it either; instead I'm hollowed out from the inside by the emotion I'm quickly becoming well acquainted with—sadness. I can definitely see how the rumors started, I also don't like how thin I've gotten, but why do I feel sad? Like, really sad. These last couple weeks have been much the same way though, I've spent so many precious minutes battling the dark thoughts I don't think I'll ever really be free from. Those thoughts creep up again, akin to the proverbial devil on my shoulder, and I'm tempted to self-harm.

This is familiar too, why wouldn't I deal with my pain the only way that's worked since summer? Yet like it had before, that same nagging thought crosses my mind, and I hesitate. I stopped myself from doing it once already, and if I have a shot of breaking the habit, isn't it worth taking? At least it would be one less thing off my parents' plate, so maybe they won't fight as much if they think they don't have to obsess over my safety. I turn away from the mirror before I can change my mind, going back to the window to text both Cat and Troy instead.

Cat responds, and after I tell her a little bit about what's going on, she suggests we meet up at the usual place. I have no qualms about betraying my mom and dad's fragile trust by sneaking out, certainly they must expect it at this point, they barely batted an eye when they found out I vanished mysteriously for a whole weekend when I was supposed to be spending it at Troy's. These are simply the concessions I have to make if I expect to get through this though, and as I already surmised from experience their fighting provides the perfect cover I need to slip out of the house undetected.

I'm the first to arrive at the park, taking a seat on the lonely swing while I wait, the distant thunder continuing to roll. The sound hits deep in my chest, soothing, and I close my eyes for only a moment to focus on that rather than the grief.

"Looks like rain," Cat interrupts, taking the swing beside mine. We sit there in silence for a while, in the comfort of one another, until she speaks again, barely smiling. "This is probably the closest I've felt to normal since I got here. It's weird to think I've been in Goodbury for over half a year now and everyday it still feels like I don't belong. I've come to accept it, some days suck more than others, but days like today? They remind me of being back home."

"Taking into account all the stuff you told me, I wouldn't have thought that was a good thing." I don't understand how she can smile about it. I'm looking forward to the day when the simplest things won't take me back to last summer, to everything that happened that night. That'll be the day I finally start to get over it, and maybe then I'll see my future with much fonder eyes.

"Obviously I don't miss all of it, but there were parts that weren't totally bad. I left a lot of memories behind. A lot of people too, I had a huge group of friends I used to do everything with. There was this one girl who was going through her own shit at home, we would sneak out kind of like this and talk all night."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"All sorts of stuff, we loved pretending we had any shot of getting out of our houses, we'd come up with these elaborate adventures we'd go on to Paris or Italy or wherever. We both knew it wasn't going to happen, but, it was still nice to pretend." Though it's nothing more than the faintest glimpse, a small glimmer of her history on display, the reverence with which she recollects their conversations makes me feel like I'm right there.