Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

22. Reciprocity

My face hurts from smiling, yet I can't resist the sweet temptation when Troy sends the cutest, mushiest texts back-to-back. He's becoming an expert at navigating my uncertain and ever-changing waters, it's been his personal challenge for the last month to examine exactly where my boundaries start and stop, and finding out just what he can get away with has obviously been bringing him some satisfaction. The sense of security I get in return is overwhelming, he's nothing but respectful, though I've found myself wondering increasingly more these past couple weeks if he isn't moving too slow—even by my standards. When I said there were things we could work up to, I thought that meant we would at least try them again to reassess, but so far nothing more than hand holding and all the cuddles I could possibly want.

My therapist thinks this relationship will be good for me. I've only seen her three times now, and of course she doesn't know a thing about Chad, but she says it's important that I stay grounded and continue to have these experiences. On that I'm inclined to agree, I'll admit that so far therapy hasn't been too horrible, but I'm uncertain what she or my parents think I'll get out of it. I'm still changing, like I said before, even this one month has brought about more growth. I haven't exactly started to believe I'll be okay again, and there's still so much festering that I have to deal with in regards to summer and Resthaven and what hides at the back of my closet, but, I don't know. Maybe it can still be good.

I was wrong about everything being pointless, so who's to say I'm not wrong about that too? This thing with Troy, it feels right, and good, and if I examine it completely as my therapist suggested I might even say I'm grateful to learn that something new could come out of all this pain. That's so important to me, the first proof that not everything is broken. I smile once more at the follow up text Troy sends, but then my cheeks go flush when he follows up the follow up with a shirtless selfie of him in bed, aptly captioned thinking of you. Knowing me I probably snort or make some other ungodly flustered noise, but whatever I do attracts Cat's attention.

"Is that Troy again?" She blows a long cloud of smoke out my bedroom window, eyeing me suspiciously from her perch on the sill. "I thought you were going to tell him to take a hike, it was funny at first, but you need to let the poor fuck know you're not interested. Keep putting it off and he'll find a way to do something even cringier than serenading you in front of our whole school. That was so embarrassing, I actually felt kind of bad for him."

"It wasn't that embarrassing." I put my phone away, avoiding her pointed commentary. What my therapist would not advise, if I were to tell her about Cat or the weird relationship the three of us seem to be stuck in, is to lie. That's just common sense, but despite the fact that Troy and I have been dating for a month, and spent Christmas and all of break together, I haven't yet told my best friend. "We talked about this, you promised you were going to try to be nicer to him. I thought it was kind of cool, I don't know if I'd want him to do it again, but it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me."

"I am trying, okay? It's not my fault the way he wears that stupid backwards hat keeps triggering me. Just answer me this, who carries a guitar around with them wherever they go? It's pretentious." Cat growls, taking another drag off her cigarette. The stern look I give her is enough to put her back in her place though, and she cedes, "be nice, I got it, don't worry. It won't matter anyway, because pretty soon you'll be saying that to me. I've been brainstorming ways to get back at Chad, and I think I've got the perfect idea."

"This again? It was fun to pretend for a while, but we need to get serious and start thinking about the future. He's not going anywhere anytime soon, unfortunately, so I have to learn how I'm going to deal with it. That'll be much easier if we just leave it alone, don't you agree?" This month with Troy really has been a blast. To take that something new and run with it, to not have to worry about the past or think about Chad or the word, it's almost been enough to make me forget everything that hurts. I hate thinking about it now, even if I have to.