Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

14. Not What You Want

While it may have taken longer than it would have for any rational person, I've finally begun to identify the feeling I've had ever since I sat in Troy's truck and he asked me to spend the weekend with him. This feeling may have been obvious to anyone else, but when I've spent so long trying to make myself numb, to the extent where I thought of everything as just kind of pointless, it's no wonder why I couldn't put a name to it right away. Now that it's Friday, a mere number of hours before he and I leave school together to go greet his mom and sister, I remember so painfully what it's like to be nervous. Like, truly nervous, not just rattled at the thought of getting caught like when Cat and I pulled our prank.

None of this has been as easy as I would've liked, next to my parents arguing about my dad letting me go out this weekend, and how my mom feels like he stepped on her toes, Cat's finally decided she's done avoiding me. I've been staring at the text she sent early this morning, way before I even woke up, asking if I could meet her after school today so we can talk. I'm thrilled she's ready to move passed our fumbled sexual encounter, I just wish the timing was better, I can see that she's read the text I sent back saying I'm busy, even if she hasn't responded.

I loiter by the wall outside of school, the one where Troy usually sits and plays his guitar, waiting for the boy in the backwards hat to show up and offer me all the reassurances I need about my anxiety for this weekend, or the guilt I have for blowing Cat off. This is supposed to be a good thing—we're supposed to have fun—but that's not at all what this is starting to feel like. My peers continue to trickle in, off the bus and from drop off, while I stick my neck out to scan the crowd. This goes on for a bit until eventually I see someone familiar in the sea of faces—even if it's not who I had been looking for.

Immediately I shrink down and turn away, hiding into the wall so that Chad and his buddies will pass without noticing me. It's like the first day of school all over again, trying to avoid him as best as I can so that I don't have to face this, face him. The word rings in my ears, and I can already feel the sand under my feet. This isn't new, no matter the tricks my mind wants to play, just one moment and then he'll be gone and I don't have to deal with the fire and waves. I count it down in my head, every last second until that moment ends and it'll be safe again.

I've almost fooled myself into thinking I'm in the clear, but after I dare to dart a glance over my shoulder, checking, I freeze when I see him looking at me. My whole world stops, same as it always does, but nothing stops for him, he keeps right on chatting with his friends like nothing is wrong. As they pass, no more than a few feet away, he winks at me, proceeding toward school. A violent shiver runs down my spine as I try to catch my breath, wise enough to know how easy this could spiral out of control. I can't let it though, not now, not today, not after Cat made me embrace the word and the power I've let it have over me for the last several months.

"You stalking me now, Summers? This is my spot." Whether he's wanted or not, Troy shows up at the most inopportune time, immediately taking notice of my unwell state when I look at him. "Shit, what's wrong? Drew?"

"Nothing's wrong, I just didn't sleep well last night." Not a total lie, but he doesn't buy it regardless when I address him, only half focused. Like some kind of sexual assault bloodhound, he looks over, up the walk towards school where Chad and his friends are hanging out by the door now.

"That guy bothering you? I know he talks a big game, but he's nothing more than a bully. Look at those scrawny arms, I could totally take him." Troy observes distastefully, shaking his head. "His old man came into the shop the other day and you should've seen how my dad was fawning over him like he's some hotshot. That whole family's toxic, it's no surprise Chad turned out the way he did. You want me to beat him up for you?"