Cat & Drew's Whirlwind Adventure

12. Live Again

Every waking minute I relive it, and I've been practicing saying the word—alone in bed, in the shower, throughout the even more tense than usual dinner with my parents last night—trying to become better acquainted with the emotion that ties itself so grotesquely to that one, simple word. It's an ugly word, weighed heavy with shame and memory and destruction. It's a word that brings pain, and a word that tears families apart. A word that robs you of any dignity, and a word that had led to me attempting to take my own life last summer. Indeed so simple, yet enough to drive me to put a blade to my wrist. It's a powerful word, and that word, is rape.

I can't say it aloud; I can hardly think it without getting all jittery and feeling all the other stuff that comes with it. It's easier today than it was yesterday though, and yesterday was easier than the last few months. Twisted as it is, it's all I've been able to think about since Cat booted me out of her aunt's early Sunday morning, and even with the chaos I had to sit through after that with my parents, it's still weighing heavy on my mind.

Now I carry it with me as I finish getting ready for school, setting my sights on my closet—on the place I wouldn't dare go anymore—one last time. My hand tightens around the strap on my shoulder, and I go downstairs to face my mom. It's a painfully uncomfortable ride to school, but that's to be expected, I have no clue where this thing with my parents will go, but for the foreseeable future my mom has made clear that she will be driving me to school and picking me up from work. It's all about those small prices, just like Cat had said, so I choose to be grateful for this reluctant compromise in silence from my mom, because for at least one more day it saves me from having to say to her something I can't even say to myself.

Yet.

The one silence that I can't take though, is Cat's. Ever since she kicked me out, after we did the thing, I haven't heard even a peep from her. No calls and no texts, not even the one that usually let's me know she's waiting at my locker. After my mom drops me off without a word I decide to be proactive and go to Cat's locker instead, catching her right as she's about to head to first period. Or, as she's about to head to the bathroom to smoke before first period.

"Uh, hey." Always the wordsmith, my tongue betrays me when she turns around and we're face to face. What do you say to someone you just slept with though? My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up and I can't sort it out, but for her I'm trying. "How are you?"

"A bit hungover, but that's on me for breaking into my aunt's liquor cabinet. Here, I swiped this for you from the cafeteria, after seeing you completely naked I now realize you're entirely too thin. You need to eat." She produces a banana from her purse. Whether or not she's kidding, I can feel myself blushing and it makes her chuckle. She leans against her locker, "and how are you?"

"Ask me in an hour," I mumble, darting a glance down the hall. So much is different after our weekend together, and even though I've made some peace with being here after last summer, even though we've already crossed paths since, it scares me to be back at school. Starting all over again means I'm right back to being terrified to see him. To see Chad.

"That bad? Please tell me your mom didn't flip her shit again, I know you feel bad for what you said to her, or whatever, but that doesn't mean she gets a free pass to be an absolute asshole."

"She didn't really say much actually, my dad basically lectured me for a few hours and then I got grounded again, but for the most part I think they're taking pity on me. They made it clear they'll be watching more closely though, coach Baker too—I had to call him yesterday and apologize, it was a whole thing. My dad's being pretty flexible, I agreed to start seriously thinking about taking the plunge and going to therapy, so I think I've bought some time. Plus agreeing to let them search my room whenever they want went a long way."