starting over

chapter 4

I woke up with a pounding headache while remembering what i could remember of the previous night which wasn't much apart from dancing talking drinking and... Crying? I sit up but my hand hits something smooth and hard i look over to see jude lying in bed beside me only wearing boxers.
I immediately scream and move as far away from him as possible, he wakes with a moan and when he finally stops rubbing his eyes he looks up at me with a calm expression on his face, I'm completely confused what the fuck happened last night, why is he in my bed half naked and why does he seem completely calm about it.
"what the fuck happened last night?"
"you got drunk"
"what else ASSHOLE"
"calm down, nothing happened... Here" he says while gesturing between us.
"what did I say?" I am getting more and more frustrated and anxious with him what if I said something to him that I didnt mean to?
"you said my laugh sounded like a chuckle" he says with a smile.
"what else?"
"you said I could have been the one to save you from her"
He looks up at me with wide eyes asking me what I meant
"what did you mean?" He asks when i take too long to answer his pleading eyes.
"erm nothing" I reply not looking into his eyes.
"you can tell me" he promises he's making me feel guilty about keeping so much from him about my messed up past but i needed to stay with him, i barely knew him but i know that if i knew him back then he would help, he wouldn't let me suffer like everyone else but i couldnt tell him any if this because he would make me leave and i couldnt do that.
"I'm sorry, I can't what else happened"
"I put you in bed, but then I heard you screaming saying he wouldn't leave you and then you were sorry, when i came in i heard you crying in the bathroom and before I went in i found..." He trails off at the end and I'm terrified he found something to tell him what happened.
"what?"
"I found sleeping pills, when i went into the bathroom you were lying down in a ball crying you wouldn't talk so I just sat there with you for about half an hour and then I put you in bed but you asked me to stay with you and i stayed with you all night"how could i be so stupid? I got drunk, what the he'll was i thinking? I don't even drink! I should have known i would have said something.
"Did i say anything else?" I ask scared of the answer.
"no, will you really not tell me anything, not even the pills?"
"I get nightmares, ok? They help me sleep but im not saying anything else atleast just for now"
"ok i won't ask for now"
We sit in an awkward silence for about five minutes before he gets up.
"where are you going?"
"to make breakfast"
"jude?"
"yeah?"
"can i still stay?"
"yeah, ofcourse I'm not gonna kick you out because you take sleeping pills"
"ok thanks"
I lie in bed for a bit longer until I decide to get up to eat breakfast, my mum was wrong people don't judge me when they learn one thing about me that's not normal and also he really cares about me he might not admit it but I see it the way he looks at me.