starting over

chapter 5

I decided I needed some time out of the house so I left to do some shopping and see if emily wanted to meet up for some lunch later it had been two days since I left ireland and a year today since I left home well I say home but I always felt trapped there i always felt more at home and like a daughter at my best friends house we were all so close all five of us i was so comfortable in front of them but even they didn't know something was up until it was too late.

After having a thirty minute conversation with emily over the phone we finally decided to meet at bobs diner at half one for lunch which meant I had three hours to get ready i only needed one, maybe I should try to talk to jude about last night I need him to understand that ive been through some serious shit and it'll take me a while to trust him enough to tell him. Before I knew it i was outside his bedroom i knocked softly twice before hearing a low mumble granting me access.
"hey"
"hi"
"are you pissed?"
"about what?"
"I don't know"
"about you having to take sleeping pills and not telling me about it, about you saying I could have saved you from some bitch that obviously did something to fuck with you or about the fact that I only found you because you were screaming for mercy and crying your eyes out?"
By the time he finishes making my guilt grow I've realised he needs to know but I need to get to know him first I've let alot of people in who I thought would help and be there for me but they really just made it worse, I had learnt from that he had to prove he could be there and he had to promise he wouldn't tell anyone, who am I kidding? A promise did I really believe that? Am I still that naive? Anyway I decided to tell him a little bit that would make him work and learn to trust me enough to want to find out the rest but i also want him to genuinely care not just be nosy, fuck this was going to be hard work.

"Annie?"
"sorry, I zoned out for a second"
"not a second, three minutes"
"sorry"
"I don't want you to apologise"
"then what?"
"I want you to talk to me, it's obvious something fucked up happened and if your getting nightmares then it's really serious also it means you haven't been dealing with it"
"you got all that from me having nightmares? You think really fast"
"actually i was thinking about it for about an hour in here because I didn't know how to help and I want to help you, anyway I can"
I look up into his eyes and see concern and pity.
"I don't want your pity, if i am going to tell you I want it to be because I know I can trust you about it and that you won't treat me differently"
"I'm not pitying you, I'm concerned about you and i want to be here for you, let me guess atleast? "
"ok"
"I know it was someone close to you, who was meant to be trustworthy, who left you in a bad way, who loved you and i know it was a guy so maybe a boyfriend? " he's close but so far.
"your a little close but it wasnt him who hurt me and he wasnt a boyfriend"I get a feeling I'm going to either be here for a while or not want to go out when we're done so I text emily and tell her I cant make lunch and we can rearrange for some other time.
"okay so he was someone who cared about you so maybe a friend?"
"no"
"dad?"
"no"
"brother"
"yeah" I mumble suddenly starting to feel awkward talking about my brother to him and saying it was his fault i got hurt.
"okay so your brother for some reason was forced to leave and someone close to you was maybe accusing him of leaving you for his own reasons and you were defending him because you knew he wouldn't" I gasp he got it pretty much exactly right missing out on alot of details but a very accurate guess, I suddenly feel tears drop onto my bare shoulder and i realise my eyes have teared up but i refuse to cry in front of him he's already seen such a vulnerable side of me a side that no one knew about that had been locked away for fourteen years.
"hey, don't cry I'm sorry if i upset you i just really want to help and make sure your okay"it suddenly hit me a good way to start telling him about my fucked up life, my tattoo.
"here look at this" I say turning around so my back is facing him i lift up my top slightly and pull down my jeans just so you can see the tattoo.
"it's time to stop survivng and start living?" He is obviously confused by what it means Im sure he had many theories as to what the hell was wrong with his new flat mate but the truth is probably completely different.
"listen I'm gonna tell you the start if my story and you have to listen ok? And you have to remember you still don't know me properly so I want atleast a week until you decide if you really want my name on the lease but i want atleast a week ok?"
"ok, and you can't leave any earlier either, no matter how many time i burn your pancakes" he adds in the last bit trying to lighten the mood he always does that even when I'm about to tell him about the darkest time in my life he still makes me laugh.

"ok well when my mum was pregnant with my big brother, luke, she smoked just like she did with my bigger sister, Emma, apparently I was a mistake but i think I was a test tube baby made to make him better because i was the only baby she didn't smoke with and i was always told he got sick right after I was born but i think it was before they made me anyway something went wrong and I didn't match him but if i did I would have been left dead because i would have had to give him a part of my brain to fix him that I couldn't live without anyway over the years his condition worsened and they developed into more and more disabilities i was always pushed to the side but he aways remembered me we were really close maybe because i was only made to help him but anyway when i was growing up my parents sort of bullied me you know like made me feel bad about myself and that lasted my whole life"
At this point I feel like I need to stop I've never went into that much detail even told anyone that much of my story i suddenly feel very vulnerable and i dont like it he's staring at the floor deep in thought and a shocked expression on his face his eyes are wide and his face is pale his lips are blue and his mouth is hanging open.
"I'm sorry I shouldnt have said amy of that I'm so stupid i dont know what i was thinking I want say anymore just forget it" I say instantly regretting telling him anything, I'll be out if here before the end of the week now.
"wait, Annie I'm sorry I know that was hard to say I think I just need a little time to process it but I promise you can stay and i will help you get through it properly. How about we talk about a little every night before going to bed?"He says just as I reach his door,I'm completely shocked i did not expect him to let me stay never mind want to help me.
"yeah, sure thanks so much" I say standing awkwardly not knowing what to do.
"ok well I'm going to go out for now to get some lunch do you want anything? "
"no I'm fine, I'll get some fruit or something later, not hungry now"
"ok, I'll see you soon"
"bye"
I couldn't believe he wanted to help me i always thought i was alone in this fuck up of a world but now i feel like I can really talk to someone,my mum, Sally, i mean can fuck off she couldn't have been more wrong when she made me feel all alone, he cared and he was going to help.