starting over

chapter 25

Judes POV

How the fuck did Paul know what happened in my school and if he was gonna tell Annie i swear I would hurt him he deserved it, he hurt Annie, he put her through hell back in ireland and didn't even care that he was hurting her now too, i hated him so much, what if he came looking to hurt Annie but thought she was out when she was really in the bathroom, why does he still care? it's obvious she isn't gonna follow him back to Ireland so why can't he just give up.
"ans, we've gotta report him what if he comes back and tries to hurt you he's not gonna stop we need to do something" I tell her while we clean up the mess we have to get new bedside lockers, a new bed, table, chairs, locks and our Windows replaced.
"he won't hurt me i can look after myself, I'll sort it"
"no, he'll hurt you i know you'd be able to take him but even us two wouldn't be able to take on him and his friends that are always with him"
"just let me focus on college then I'll think if what i want to do"
"and what if he hurts you before you have time to do that?"
"he won't Plesse just drop it"
"I can't just drop.it ans"
"I know, I'm sorry I've been snapping all morning and stuff, i mean I've not even been here that long and already I'm running your life"
"your not ruining it, if it wasn't for you my life would be boring as fuck, it's them that are running your life and I want to help before they hurt you really bad"
"I know I just need to think"
"ok" we tidy the rest of the apartment in silence and when we're done she announces shes going out for a while and leaves without another word i change the bed sheets while she's gone but when I go into her old room to make sure there's no splinters or anything lying around i see a black book peaking out from under the closet, i make sure she's gone and take it out i sit against the wall and open it the first entry is dated on the nineth if may 2010 making her about thirteen.

It isnt fair it's been 159 days since my brother died and it hasn't gotten any easier i still go tense when i hear his name but everyone else talks about him so weirdly they talk about him as if he died of old age or something like he got a full normal life, he didn't he died when he was fifteen years old and he was in so much pain it's unreal it's unfair i thought it was hard when he was here but now it's worse I'm just a selfish bitch i want him here when he was in pain i still want him here I guess they all believe hes happy now running around in heaven but is he? Heaven and hell are all fairytales we created to comfort ourselves it makes no sense that when you stop breathing your soul goes somewhere high in the clouds where pain doesn't exist but i dont care if i go to heaven, he'll or if i just dissappear i would be happy to just leave this hell that is my life.

10th may,
I can't wait until I start my job if i do this right I'll be able to save enough money to move out by the time I'm sixteen or seventeen, my parents don't know it yet but when i leave that's it I'll never talk to them again i hate them they are dead to me same way they wish I was dead.

I can't read anymore these are all dated when she was so young i flick to the last entry and read.

It's been years and they still can't leave me alone why? What did I do? Can't they just get it that I hate them and will never accept them as my parents, they've hurt jude too even if he won't admit it he's been hit and threatened his life had been ruined by me i care about him too much to hurt him i should leave but i dont think I could leave him he's the only person who ever cared and I'm scared I'm getting bad again but if i fell triggered i think about him and it really does calm me down i love him so much but am i hurting him by staying? Am I hurting him by keeping so much from him still? he won't find out though no one but me.knows so it won't hurt him it will only hurt him if he finds out which he never will.

That was dated yesterday, what hasn't she told me? She obviously doesn't want to, maybe I should tell her about my school so she is comfortable with telling me everything i love her more than anything and I will not let her get hurt by Paul or sally i want to report them so bad but I know she would hate me if i did, I need to be patient with her and make her realise it will help,.I'm interrupted by a knock on the door i get up and look through the viewing glass before I open it i see Mrs hartridge from down the hall standing,
"hey, how are you" she's an elderly woman and very sweet everyone in the building helps her out she's like eighty eight now and she's so loved she is small and thin with thin grey hair that she wears in a loose bun she has no family but lots of friends and she's always smiling.
"I'm fine dear, I just thought i should tell you that late last night I heard some strange noises coming from down here, i heard banging and laughing and then I came to see if everything was ok and i saw three men leaving i was going to check if everything was ok but by the time I got dressed, i wad in the shower you see, you were back and i didnt want to be nosy, so are you ok?" she asks with concern i know I probably look shocked but i know Annie doesn't want anyone knowing what happened so i have to lie to her.
"oh no, sorry she had some friends down but we're fine i promise thank you for letting me know though" I say quite convincingly.
"okay sweetheart if you need anything else let me know" she says before kissing my cheek and walking off saying hi to Mr mccord on the way.

A few hours later Annie returns and it's obvious she's been crying.
"are you alright?" I ask her getting up to hug her.
"yeah I'm fine i was just thinking about it all and I guess I couldn't help it I'm fine now though" she says giving me a weak smile that's also fake.
"it's ok if your not"
"I am, I promise"
"okay good, well I've been thinking and i think we should report them" I say sitting down on the sofa with her and turning off the TV so we can talk properly.