starting over

chapter 30

Annies POV

I was in my nightmare but it was so much worse every time I felt the pain i cut and every time I cut i got deeper and every time I got deeper i saw everyone i cared about hurting too, my brother, my friends and jude everytime i cut they held their stomach and fell to the floor in pain but I couldn't stop it i wanted to so badly but i couldnt.
"you selfish bitch do you hear what people are saying you've ruined your body it should be you that's dead you have everything and your hurting yourself on purpose he was in real pain all the time but you still need all the attention, it was you who killed him!" my mum screamed at me and suddenly I got this feeling like a boost i dropped my blade and stood up my wrists stopped bleeding and they closed over to be scars and then everyone who was hurting stood up and smiled as if nothing was happening except my brother he stared at me and gave me an encouraging nod i walked right up to my mum and exploded everything I've ever wanted to say for my whole life coming out all at once.
"it wasnt my fault it was yours you smoke when you were pregnant with him and you probably drank too then you had me tested a nice month old baby to see if i could donate part of my brain to him which would have killed me too ofcourse you don't care if you did you would have got me the real help i needed dealing with everything it wasnt his death that caused me to be like this it was yours and dads and i hate you both your right it is disgusting that I would rather live with strangers than you two it is because it just proves how much pain you out me in i hate you so much you ruined my life I have trust issues self image issues social anxiety I'm fucking depressed because of my own bloody parents i hope your proud now because now I'm gone now I'm free now I'm happy and I will protect those who deserve it which does not include you or dad" ok so maybe it wasnt everything i wanted to say but it was a pretty good summary she tried to slap me but something stopped her it didnt hurt, i didnt hurt the pain i felt for so long was gone is this happiness? Or is this normal? I ran to my brother and was about to hug him but he started fading i tried calling him but he was gone.
"I'll always be here with you but you need to be there for now" he whispers, suddenly it gets hard to breathe i feel dizzy and sick everything starts spinning and i fall into darkness.

"clear!" I hear a man's voice hes shouting but it's far away suddenly I feel a small boost through my body then another then another i open my eyes slightly and see nurses and doctors around me then I hear judes voice.
"no let me see her shes ok isn't she i need to see her i need her please let me in Annie I'm right here don't worry I'm right here" I realise I'm at the hospital and judes being dragged out the door by three doctors and a police officer i get up and push away the doctors trying to hold me down i rip off the machines hooked up to me and run past the doctors nurses and police officers to jude he grabs me as I'm about to fall holds me he stares into my eyes amd kisses me passionately and gently he holds me by the waist and puts his other hand through my hair i rap my arms around his neck and gently tug his hair i feel arms trying to pull me away but im staying here with jude we pull away and stare into eachothers eyes he leads me back to the bed and stands at the wall while the nurses poke me with needles and put monitors on my chest and finger i stare into his eyes the whole time they finally back away and leave he's by my side in seconds.
"fuck Annie never do that again i thought i lost you i was so scared they said you weren't gonna wake up but then you started stirring and i told them and they tried to get me out but i stayed i will always stay for you i love you so much i thought i lost you" he says kissing my hand i stare into his eyes.
"I would never leave you i love you so much i could never be away from you im so sorry for scaring you" I say getting breathless towards the end.
"they're gone"
"what?"
"your parents they were deported back to Ireland and given life in prison"
"really? We're free?"
"yeah ans" he hugs me and holds me for a while i pull him in beside me and snuggling into his chest.
"so what actually happened?"
"your famous you know? Your story was everywhere"
"what do you mean story?"
"what happened at bobs and i had to tell the police about ireland and the threats and stuff and then the news reported it look" he says pointing to a table filled with gifts like chocolates, cards, teddies and flowers.
"you won't be ale to leave for a whioe though"
"what actually is wrong with me?"
"you have broken fingers, broken leg, six places, broken arm, dislocated elbow, concussion and you were bleeding in your head, you also had to get stitches but there gone now"
"are you ok?"
"yeah I had a small concussion from the impact and needed a few stitches but im fine"
"ok"
"erm... Also I just found out this morning..."
He trails off worrying me.
"jude what is it?"
"they were looking at an xray and because of where your keg wad broken something happened with your hip that affected you cervix and stuff..."
"why is that important"
"it means... You can't have kids" he says slowly and sadly.
"really?"
"yeah, but don't focus on that right now, just focus on getting properly better yeah?"
"yeah" I say quietly i know he knows I'm not ok so he holds me for a while in silence and it really does help just having him there it doesn't make it easier but it helps to know he won't leave me.