starting over

chapter 15

Judes P.O.V

Annie carefully lead me into the pharmacy i expected to hear emily greet her but she must have not been working today.
"my names Annie Mcmillin, im here to collect an order for sleeping pills"
What? She's ordered them, I know how pharmacies work you have to have a pretty good reason to be allowed to order them and you have to see the doctor for a prescription was she even going to tell me any of this?
"oh yeah, I'll be one minute wait here" the pharmacy guy told her.
"ans we're you even gonna tell me you saw the doctor about your nightmares, is that really how bad they've got?"I ask her angrily but she can tell I'm worried about the situation.
"I was going to tell you I just didn't want you to worry especially with your eyes"
"my eyes are fine, i didnt even hear you i thought they were going away"
"I don't get them every night anymore mostly every two or three nights but when i get them they are worse i see her face when the cloud things are chasing me I'm sorry I just don't want to be annoying you with all of my problems"
"your not annoying me i worry anyway I just wish you would have talked to me about it"
"I would have told you but I was worried it would mess with your eyes, if your stressed it sometimes takes longer for injuries to heal"
"they're fine, please talk to me about it i dont want you falling back into the place you were in when you were with her"
"ok I'm sorry"
"you don't have to apologise i just want to be able to be there for you"
"ok, let's go in now the he's coming with the pills"
We were silent the whole time back to the apartment i wasnt sure what she was thinking but i was thinking about her when she was back in ireland, i can imagine a tall thin girl with hazel eyes and long brown hair hanging about her face as she sat alone in the darkness of her room crying silently replaying what her mum and dad had just said to her, ans has told me some of the things they told her, how her brother would hate her if he knew she was selfharming and she ruined her body about how stupid she was when she couldn't focus in class or how fat she was when she ordered her food in a restaurant how slutty she was if she wore a short top, it was hard to listen to when i slept in ans room with her i found some pictures of her and four other girls about thirteen years old they were at the beach taking a cheesy picture of them all jumping at the same time she looked happy but if you looked deep into her eyes you can see sadness, a dark place it was really obvious in a family picture at a restaurant i found at the bottom of a box she hid in her wardrobe along with some baby toys and clothes, memories i guess.
"jude, we're here"
"oh sorry" I hadn't even realised I was standing in the door of the lobby awkwardly obviously I couldn't see anything but i could hear familiar voices of other people who lived in the flats when we reached the apartment i was left in the sitting room with an episode of the walking dead on while Annie went to start dinner she made some pasta and then we sat on the sofa and watched ice age together, i didnt realise how funny it was before when I watched it as a child but it really wasn't a bad movie and it made Annie laugh alot.
"I remember watching this with my friends back in ireland" she tells me while laughing at something scrap the squirrel did.
"really? How long were you guys friends?"
"I was friends with them from nursery up until I left but because i moved out, away from them, when i was sixteen we didn't see eachother as often as usual but we stayed close"
"weren't they angry you were leaving them in the shitty weather of Ireland to come to new York"
"a little bit but they understood why"
"you were lucky"
"I know" she says with something in her voice not sadness but maybe because she misses them.
"why don't they come visit?"
"really?" she says nit really taking me seriously.
"yeah they could stay here for the weekend"
"I don't know we haven't talked in a whike now and I'd liked to get settled first"
"ok, if you change your mind tell me and Ill help you arrange it"
"k thanks"
"Did they know about your mum and dad?" I ask carefully not knowing if I'm being smart or a jackass by bringing them up.
"they knew they didn't treat me right and that I was depressed but they didn't know I cut" the way she says it, her voice full of shame when she said 'cut' i hate her parents for doing that to her, the cover up make up aswell that she puts on to cover her scars is really expensive but she gets that one because it completely hides them from everyone.
"they woukd understand you know?"
"I know I just couldn't put them through that, you ready for bed?"
"yeah"
She helped me off the sofa and lead me into my room where she once again awkwardly changed me and helped me into bed before I heard her going into the bathroom and changing herself, when she finally got out i pulled her close to me and hugged her tight until she fell asleep in my arms i lifted my arm from around her shoulder and lifted my my bandage slightly to see her, her cheeks were red and wet she must have been crying but she still looked beautiful i held her and stared at her peaceful face, why couldn't she be like this when she was awake? She looks happy right now when she's asleep away from the world that all her memories, pain, secrets and scars lie it just made me hate her parents even more if she let me i could make her happy and she would forget about all the pain she had to go through that pushed her so far that she had to take a blade to her own skin and cut open her flesh for a small release from the literal pain she felt.