15 September

Masih Ada Perasaan Tak?

"You punya improvement laju ni, Najiha. Good job! Now we can increase the level to the highest, okay?" Ujar Mr. Timmy lembut pasal trial prosthetic aku tu (kaki robot).

"Alrighttt" jawab aku happy, tapi tak terlalu happy la. Dia macam, happy yang biasa-biasa je.

Mr. Timmy kata aku antara pelajar paling cepat lah belajar balancekan diri dengan kaki robot ni. (I guess maybe that was just a perk of being an athlete?) Katanya tak lama lagi aku dah boleh dapat permanent prosthetic legs.

Nak kata excited, takdelah sangat tapi dia macam lega lah gak sebab finally dapat kaki permanent, cuma, bukan kaki betul lah. At least takdelah aku kena pergi kelas kaki ni lagi. I could live my life normally abnormally. Ha gitu. Hidup secara normal dengan keadaan yang tidak normal.

Ugh..

Agak susah jugakla level terakhir ni, sebab dia level ketinggian paling tinggi kan so dia macam goyah sikit. Nak kata gayat tu taklah sebab tu bukan first time. Ngilu tu je masih ada, tapi sikit la bila time nak berdiri and jalan tu je. Sebab time tu aku belum masuk setahun, so nak adapt tu payah.

Ayah selalu pesan untuk take everything slow, slowly but surely.

Oooo takkk bagi mom. Dia punya pendirian, to be sure is to be faster. Damn Asian mom's blood never left her body.

Bencila sebab belum setahun aku belajar balancekan diri, eventhough Mr. Timmy kata I was getting better, but tu tak bermaksud my mental was doing better as well!

I was still mourning, I was still sad, upset, mostly regret! My dream just crashed, mom! Couldn't she just chill a little?

Sometimes I did fight with her sebab aku tak siapkan kerja sekolah yang home tutors aku bagi plus dia ungkit pasal trial results aku, gaduh mulut lah, most of the time masa ayah kerja. sebab mom tak faham! I knew dia gilir-gilir dengan dad ganti kerja untuk jaga aku, idk why didn't they take any nurse ke whatsoever untuk jaga aku dulu. But tu tak bermaksud she had right to be more stressed than I was because I was the one who lost dream, not her?! She didn't even lose her job!

"Tak mom akan faham if dari aaaawal lagi Ji kata Ji nak tunda your SPM, but then you sendiri kata you nak jugak sambung tahun ni, then it's your responsibility lah! And my role pulak kena push you for that!"

"Eee Ji memang taknak tundalah SPM tu, tapi kasi Ji masa lah boleh taaak?!" jawab aku menyirap, time duduk kat meja makan tempat selalu belajar.

"Masa bilanya lagi Ji? Now dah nak masuk bulan 9 dah, your SPM tinggal 2 bulan je lagi Ji, dengan result trial macam ni, ingat mom boleh tenang ke camni?!"

Time gaduh I was very derhaka la hahahah sebab suka menjawab, and mom nampak aku ni macam jiwa kental punya, sebab I never really show my tear. Time gaduh aku mana pernah nangis, mana boleh tunjuk air mata tu kan. Takkan tunjuk lah kat sesape, selagi boleh simpan aku simpan.

But that day.. Aku tak tahu kenapa it hit me that hard. Aku boleh ternangis depan dia..

YES DIA SIAPA LAGI

Mat datang right after I finished gaduh dengan mom. Sebenarnya tak finish lagi tu tapi sebab mat da sampai kitorang "tunda" pergaduhan tu. Mom terus naik atas, merajuk la tu, fikir aku nak pujuk memang taklah, aku nak naik pun terkial-kial.

Dia macam biasa, susun-susun alat tulis buku segala bagai..

Aku diam je tak pandang dia. Aku just pandang phone aku. Buat-buat taip. Tapi air mata tu terkeluar pulaaakk, dia of course nampak.

Then dia hulur aku tisu, aku pandang dia, then guess what..

Aku... aku tak tahu kenapa aku lagi nangis😭.. Aku aku tak tahu maybe sebab aku penah tengking dia but dia masih treated aku nicely? Ke sebab dah lama takde orang comfort aku macam tu walaupun it was not physical like hug? Or maybe jugak sebab I needed my girls but they couldn't be there because I had to go tuition with him but then he became an understanding friend?