if we just had time.

chapter ten

mention of self harm and abuse. please read with caution.

Isabella Evergreen

The next day, Isabella went to class -- with her sunglasses on and her clothes that covered most of her skin -- and she went on like it was  a normal day. It wasn't. There was no such thing as a normal day for Isabella. Days were either numb, heart breaking, or miserable.

People questioned and ask her why she had sunglasses on, indoors, but she asked them a question about the choice of their presence that bothered her. About the stain on the blazer of their uniform, their hair style being too messy, why are their boyfriend-- or girlfriend-- acting like a five-year-old.

Though, what bothered most was that Theodore wasn't in Professor Collins class, or any other classes they have together. She hasn't seen him in the corridors either. The only place she hasn't checked was his dorm, but she has no idea where it could be. So, she just left him be until they were supposed to meet on the rooftop.

Isabella walked into her bathroom, taking off her sunglasses as she looked in the mirror. Looking at herself. Looking at the bruise on her eye and her cheek. Isabella felt pity for herself when she looked at her eye. That pity turned into guilt. The guilt she felt for herself was by her father.

Isabella felt tears coming from her eyes. She chuckled as the tears rolled down from her face, and she started laughing at herself. "You're a joke." She said to herself in the mirror, laughing hysterically like she saw a clown doing a skit at a circus.

Her father called her a joke, hopeless, worthless, a mistake, and an excuse for a human being. Each time he told her to repeat those words, she started believing them little by little. Until she started saying it to herself.

Isabella opened the drawer beside her, she picked up a blade she had broken off from her razor. She rolled up her sleeve as she closed the bathroom door and sat on the floor, leaning on the wall. Tears were still coming from her eyes as she was adjusting her sleeve. She put the blade to her skin. She was cutting her skin as if it were paper. As easy as paper. By her other scars, there was a cigar burn she'd gotten from her father, she was just fifteen by then.

Soon, blood and pain was coming out from the cut. She couldn't feel the pain she felt when she looked at herself in the mirror. The disgust she felt, looking at herself. The blood was dripping from her wrist to the floor. Isabella just sat on the floor, looking at a blank space on her wall.

________________________________

After Isabella bandaged her wound and cleaned up the blood, she took a nap. When she woke up she looked at the time. It was half past nine. Which means she is going to meet him in a half hour.

She groaned because of her tiredness. She sat up on her bed, grabbing her book Romeo and Juliet, to kill time whilst she waited to meet Theodore.

'It is my lady. O, it is my love! O, that she knew what she were!' she reads.

Isabella loved reading romance novels and classics. But, she never believed in love. She doesn't believe in a lot of things, but love was one thing she does not believe in most.  She thinks love is just a thing people desire to have. That people want what people have in movies. The despicable love that gets your heart broken. She's disgusted by it. Love.

When she checks the time it was 21:52. She put her book down on her bed and got up from her bed, grabbing her coat on her way out the door. She didn't bother refreshing herself because she was too tired to do so.

When she opened the door she saw Theodore laying on the concrete floor, looking at the stars. She sat next to him, looking at the view of the city of London.

It was quite between them. Theodore didn't look like himself either. He looked like he got out of a seven year sleep, waiting to get up from such rest. "Hey.'' Theodore mumbled, trying to kill the quietness between them.

"Hey." Isabella replied to the boy next to her. She lays next to Theodore, looking at the hundreds and hundreds of stars in front of her. It was quite between them. The only thing that could hear was the birds flying through the night sky.

"I didn't come to class today." Theodore broke the silence.

"Right."

"I was ill." he said

Silence.

"Wanna play two truths, one lie?" she asked him.

She heard him shuffle his body, "okay. Go on." he said to her.

Isabella thought on what to say for a moment. Sure it was her idea to play the game but she wanted him to go first, so she had time to think on what to say. "Okay, I like reading romance novels, I don't believe in love, and I like butterflies," she looked at him. "Which one is the lie?"

"Love," he said. "if you like reading romance novels you wouldn't believe in love." he looked so confident saying that.

"Wrong. They're all truths. I like reading romance novels, I don't believe in love, and I like butterflies." she says, truthfully.

"Why are you disgusted by love?" he asked her.

"Name one relationship in all your life, has one of those relationships ever lasted forever?" Theodore shook his head no, "that's because they're a fairytale. It's not real, people just think that they're in love. They want to be in a movie."

Theodore was about to say something but he clamped his mouth shut. He looked at the stars. "Maybe they weren't the right ones," He suggested.

Isabella thought of what he said 'the right one'.

Theodore pulled out a pack of cigarettes, "want one?" He offers her.

She took one cigarette out of the pack, putting it between her lips. Isabella wasn't a big fan of smokers. She thinks people who smokes are just wasting their money on little

things that kill them with every puff they take. But, if she started smoking. All the emptiness inside her will fill little by little, with each cigarette she has. So she could feel something, instead of feeling nothing.

Theodore lit her cigarette, then his. When Isabella took a puff, filling her lungs with smoke, she felt good. She felt okay now that she had a puff. She used to smoke when her father first started hitting her. But, she stopped before she came to school. She wanted a new start in life, at school.

Theodore inhaled the smoke, "now, tell me why you like butterflies." he said, looking at the city view.

"They're free." Isabella said to him. "They run away and never stop."

"And what is it that you're not free of?" he asked.

"What?"

"You said you like butterflies because they're free, right? And they always run. What are you afraid of?" Theodore was looking at her now. Waiting for her to answer.

She looked down, tracing the rip in her jeans with her finger. "I don't want to talk about it." She frowned. She took one last puff of her cigarette before she stubbed it out on the concrete floor before she got up. "I should get going." she said. "I have to meet Katherine."

Theodore looked up at her, "i'm sorry if i-"

"Like I said before, I don't need your pity, Theodore." She snapped.

His mouth opened, like he was going to say something but nothing came out. She turned on her heel and walked away. She left him, alone. Again.

I'm afraid of my father. She thought about Theodores question. I'm afraid I will never be able to leave his house until the day he dies. I tried running away but he always found me. I got punished when I got back home. I will never escape.