letters to the boy who never cared

t w e n t y - n i n e

Friday after school, I drove Reed home with me. He sat there on my bed as I got dressed, smirking at me. Every time I looked at him over my shoulder, I rolled my eyes.

"Reed Marlowe. I am not a piece of meat. Stop looking at me like that."

Rather than actually listening to me, he pushed himself off my mattress and wrapped his hands around my waist. "But you just look so cute, babe."

I playfully shoved Reed away, but still smirked at him. "Really, really cute?" I prodded.

"The cutest," he replied, planting a kiss on my lips. I giggled, pulling on my jeans. I finished dressing and doing my make up, and then we walked downstairs to the couch.

"We still have time before we have to leave, wanna watch TV?" I suggested, throwing myself onto the plush cushions.

"I don't like watching TV with you, I never get to actually pay attention," Reed whined, earning another eye-roll from me.

"Not my fault,  you little instigator," I teased, sticking my tongue out at him. I turned on the television, and Courage the Cowardly Dog came on. My exclamation on how much I loved the show ultimately led to an argument on which old Nickelodeon show was the best of the nineties. I voted All That while Reed insisted on Rocket Power or whatever that skater show was called. Time flew by, and before we knew it, it was time to leave.

Even in the car, Reed wouldn't let go. "No one liked sketch comedy when they were a kid," he mumbled. I roll my eyes, glaring at him good-naturedly from the driver's seat.

"Nobody."

~

"Stop hogging the cheese fries!"

"Stop hoggin' life, you dirty microwave!"

"What does that even...you know what..."

I smiled, observing as my friends fought over food. Well, mostly Aiden and Grace pretending to fight just for reasons to touch each other, while Matt mediated. Reed was quiet; after whispering in my ear that I shouldn't sit next to Matt, he was getting the cold shoulder.

We sat around a table in the mall food court, sharing a giant plate of cheese fries (except for Arabella. She was vegan. She just sat there, nibbling on carrots she'd packed, looking like a perfect, gorgeous princess. Not that I care) and fighting over what to do with ourselves after lunch.

"Maybe after we walk around for a bit, we can go to that trampoline park on Cavalry," Matt suggested.

I hopped up in my seat, grinning. "Yes yes yes yes yes," I agreed enthusiastically. I turned to Grace,  gushing, "When me and Matt went, it was so-"

"You guys went together?" Reed asked, his voice passive-aggressive. I'm sure that to everyone else it sounded like a harmless question, but given our recent arguments, it constituted an eye roll.

Arabella seemed not to care, and she was Matt's girlfriend. "What's a trampoline park?" she asked, her accent making even the mundane question sound cute. I really really needed an accent of my own.

As Matt explained, I just slurped my drink and watched everyone around me so I could better ignore my boyfriend, trailing his fingers across the small of my back with one hand, and holding mine with the other. I don't know why I ignored him. Maybe I was just being stubborn, but I watched everything but him. I watched Matt and Arabella, acting like they were only days from being married. Literally, that's how much they seemed to just get each other. Reed and I would probably never understand each other that way. And then , I looked at Grace and Aiden,  their heads bent toward each other's, speaking in hushed tones and really, really talking. And actually listening.

It should've made me so happy to see those two happy couples, but it didn't. I was just so sad.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I told them, leaving the table. Grace barely took notice, she was so into Aiden. I wouldn't have tried to take her with me, anyway. I really just needed to breathe alone.

But of course, that wasn't in life's plan for me.

Apparently, all my important conversations happen in public restrooms. This time, Marin was there, red-eyed and fidgety.

"Alexa?" she sighed. She actually sounded relieved to see me. She pushed back her blonde hair and took a deep, shuddery breath. "I need to talk to you," she slurred.

"Are you high?" I asked, backing away.

"Yeah, a little. But not the right kinda high," she said, rubbing her cheek. "The sad kind."

"Oh. Sorry."

"No," Marin answered, her head shaking lazily. "No, Alyssa, I'm sorry."

"It's Alexa."

Marin just frowned. "Sorry."

"It's okay."

Marin came closer to me, putting my face between the palms of her hands. Her face seemed to crack. "I just- I had to stop, Alexa. I felt so bad. I felt so, so bad..." Slowly, her words became an unrecognizable string of sobs. She sunk to the bathroom floor, her head on the wall.

"Marin," I said, softly, not putting it all together. "What are you talking about?"

"Reed," she sniffed. "He was, um, he was cheating on you. With me. But I was really in love  with him, Alexa. I didn't hate you. You were so nice to me." Marin stared at her hands, still crying loudly.

I was at a loss. I looked at her, my lips parted in shock, piecing everything together. The abandonments, the disappearances. It wasn't me being paranoid, all those times, trying to make myself trust him. It was me being right, but not trusting myself.

"How long?" I asked her, solemnly.

"Recently. I was okay at first, him having you, but I got tired of being on the side. I wanted to be with him, for real, you know? I was in love. All he cared about..." She pressed her lips together, failing to suppress a sob. "All he ever cared about was sex. So he kept us around at the same time. And I felt so bad we were sneaking around behind your back. But when I told him to choose one, he dropped me. And he found some new girl."

"He's still doing it," I whispered, pressing the tips of my fingers to my lips. 

"I'm sorry, Alexa. I just didn't want you to learn the hard way. He doesn't care about us, or any girl. He never has, and he never, ever will."

I helped Marin up, ignoring the tears that stained both of our cheeks. "Thank you," I whispered. I pulled her in for a hug.

"This is so weird," she mumbled into my shoulder. "I did everything in my power to be mean to you, your boyfriend cheated with me, and you hug me." She chuckled softly, and I forced a watery-eyed smile.

"Sorry," she said again as I walked out of the bathroom. As I walked back to the foodcourt, I dried my eyes, and progressed from shock to anger. That cheat. That lying cheat. Everything he kept me away from, for nothing. To be second.

Grace and Matt gave me weird looks as I walked purposefully to the table, where they still sat around those stupid cheese fries. They read the anger in my eyes, and backed away.

Unfortunately for him, Reed wasn't so lucky.

"Babe, you took forever," he joked.

"I'm not your babe." I slapped him hard across his face. "Find another ride home."

"What the-" 

"Alexa, what's wrong?"

"Are you okay?"

"What happened?" said the soft, clueless voice of Arabella.

I ignored them all, but especially Reed. Liar. Cheater. Thief. You took everything away from me.

"What's wrong? Babe, wait!"

I went outside, slammed shut my car door, and cried there for what felt like hours.