letters to the boy who never cared

t h i r t y - f o u r

I accepted Matt's rejection graciously, with only a one-day awkward period. I realized how little I deserved him, after all I'd put him through.

No matter what, there was this weird feeling deep inside me that rose up like bile when I saw him with Arabella. It subsided when they mutually lost feelings for each other, but I was suddenly feeling a pinprick of jealousy around any girl he dared even socialize with. I didn't understand why my emotions were in turmoil about him, even after all was said and done. I'd gotten over Reed sort of easily, so why not Matt, who I liked for less time?

Time goes on, though, with or without you. And before I knew it, I had made my way to the end of senior year. I had been accepted to a local college's study abroad program, so I'd be in Australia for two semesters before I saw this place again. I was going to miss my friends and my mom, but I was glad for the escape. I needed to clear my head, and where better to do it than on a whole different continent?

"Pomp and Circumstance" blared from where the band played, drum beats punctuating every nervous step I took across the stage. Behind me, further back in line, were my three best friends, and Reed, who sufficiently ignored me since it became clear I wasn't going to be sleeping with him ever again.

I looked out at the crowd, my mom grinning at me with tears in her eyes. She flashed me a thumbs up, and I felt the beginning of a day of nonstop crying as liquid pushed from behind my eyes.

Mr. Quinn, the principal, gave me a proud smile as he put my diploma in one hand, and firmly shook the others.

"Congratulations," he told me, and I thanked him. I pumped my fist in the air, holding up the fateful paper for all to see, and recieving cheers in response. I made it.

The rest of the procession flew by as I watched my friends graduate through teary eyes. Jen was very prim in receiving her diploma, and later standing next to the class president as treasurer. Of course, my other friends couldn't be so vanilla. Grace turned her handshake with Quinn into a dap and pound, winking at the dumbfounded principal before sauntering off the stage. And Summer was so ecstatic to graduate she hugged him after recieving her diploma.

We met outside the school on the grass to take pictures with our families and friends. When I met eyes with my mom, she held up her phone.

mummy: want to meet ur dad?

I looked up again in shock, and there he was. He looked like me, well, I looked like him. He caught my gaze and flashed a tight smile.

I slowly made my way over, the situation seeming surreal. A simple text, offering me the chance to meet my father, held so much gravity. I held eye contact with this man, tall and handsome with sparkling green eyes.

When I finally met them, my mom enveloped me in a tight hug. "I love you so much, baby," she whispered in my ear. "I'm so proud of you."

"I love you, too," I replied, my voice crumbling. I wiped a drop of liquid that had escaped my eye, and turned to face a man who had been an enigma for eighteen years.

"Hello," I said politely.

"Uh, hi," he said awkwardly. "Um, congratulations." His face suggested he really didn't want to be there, and he handed me a white envelope with my name across it. "For Australia. Good luck."

I gave him a thin smile. "Thank you," I replied softly.

"Well," he said awkwardly. "I have to be off now." He mumbled some intelligible excuse, said goodbye to us, and just left.

I stared after him, disappointment permeating the air around me and my mother. I just met my dad. And it had been so anticlimactic. All my life, I'd expected a warm, loving guy with a tiny bit of beer gut and big laugh, like the dad's I saw at my friends' houses. Instead, a random guy who looked much younger than he was had shoved money at me on my graduation, and had bounced as soon as possible.

My mom seemed to read the expression in my face, and put her arm around me. "Just us is good. He doesn't know what he's missing."

I smiled wanly. I heard Summer and Grace call for me, and pulled my mom into a big hug before I went to them.

Jen gathered all of us in a big picture, squeezing all of us tight into the frame. Her dad shouted orders from behind the camera to get everyone in.

"Every body say, Summer!"

"SUMMER!"

I remembered when Matt asked me what was normal, and I told him all of this. And I realized, I would miss this so much. Grace's antics, Summer's hyperactivity, and Jen's steadiness, my rock in hard times.

"I love you guys," I whispered, wiping away a tear off my cheek. "I'm sorry-"

"Shut up," Grace told me, wrapping me in a tight hug. Her voice cracked as she added, "I love you, too, girl."

The rest of them piled in on our hug, sniffling and tearing all the way.

When we seperated, Jen wiped the tears away from her eyes. I think she was more emotional than any of us, watching her "babies" leave the nest. She was our Mama Bear, our sense in crisis. I cringed, thinking of all the bad decisions I would make without her wise voice in my ear.

"Guys," she said. "I know this is a tender moment and all. But there's a bonfire going on tonight, like a final hurrah before summer." She turned her puppy-dog eyes on me. "I know what you're going to say."

"Jen-"

"Just say the opposite."

"I'm down," Grace piped up.

"It's supposed to rain tonight," Matt protested weakly, to no avail. It seemed like he was the only one on the same page as me. The last thing I wanted to do was party right now.

Summer dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "It's the end, Matty. Live a little! You're going if I have to drag you. And you, too, Alexa."

"Well," I sighed in resignation. "Looks like we're going to a bonfire."

A/N omgggggg this was almost the last chapter but im breaking it up to be nice aight? aight.

literally this book is almost over, and then I can edit. I cant. This is crayyyyy.

K well i love you guys especially my most loyal readers (u know who u are and ull probably comment on this). I think while i edit ill dedicate some chapters to all of u

p.s. alexa aka alexis ren from idk where on the sideee

ok baiiii

xoxo janai