letters to the boy who never cared

e i g h t

When I woke up, sizzling sounds assaulted me. I furrowed my brow. Who could be cooking...? I glanced at the depression in my matress and smiled.

I brushed the messy nest of hair on my head until it looked like...something, and swung it into a ponytail. Especially for Reed, when he saw me, I pulled on a tight pair of high waisted shorts balled up at the bottom of my drawer, tucking in a black tee-shirt.

"Whoa, baby," he whistled, when I came downstairs. "I could get used to someone who wakes up like that."

I nearly peed myself at what he implied, I'll be honest.

"You're too kind, darling," I cooed, grinning extra wide. "What are you making?"

"Bacon."

"I'm a vegetarian!"

Reed looked beyond confused, and scrunched up his brow. "Oh," he said. "Do you eat eggs? I can make you eggs."

"Kidding! It was sweet of you to offer, though." I sat down and ate my crunchy bacon.

I drove Reed to school (his car was at his house) and we parted ways at the doors. When I got to my locker, Matt leaned against it, looking agitated.

"Matt?" I immediately thought the worst. "Is Grace okay?" I started to panic.

"It's not about Grace," Matt said, looking around me and sighing. "Look, we can't talk here." Before I can react, he pulled me down the hallway and into a janitor's closet.

"Um, Matt..."

"Look, there's something I really need to tell you."

I furrow my brow. "Matt, what are you-"

"I should probably just, uh, just get into it, huh?" He ran a hand through his hair nervously, and avoided my eyes. I didn't like where this was going.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?" he replied distractedly, still clearly nervous.

"I don't like you like, you know, like that," I said quietly.

Matt looked at me blankly. "That is so not what I was going to tell you." His cheeks and mine were both instantly red.

"Oh," I said quietly. "What, uh, what was it then?" I couldn't make eye contact with him, I was so mortified.

"Friday afternoon, I was working at Joey's and Reed came in."

"And?"

"With Marin Daley."

I felt my face fall as I stared at Matt. "Really? Were they doing anything?''

"They didn't do anything worth noting, but everything was too friendly." Matt grimaced, then noticed my stricken face. "I'm so sorry, Alexa."

I stared at the floor. "Thanks, Matt," I said softly. "For telling me."

Matt came over to me with open arms. "Hugs?" he asked. I nodded, and let myself fall into his embrace. I shut my eyes and squeezed my eyelids together, hard. Still, the pain was there.

"Alexa? You'll be okay. Promise,'' Matt told me, resting his chin on my head. I blinked back tears and held Matt closer to me. I'd lost Reed to Marin, and the defeat hurt worse than anything.

I let Matt hold me, and left the closet pretending he'd cheered me up for good. Really, it only helped a little. Outside, I was just normal, average Alexa. Inside, everything was going to pieces.

---

The veneer officially cracked, I think, when I passed Marin and Ava in the hallway. She wore a smug smile that confirmed everything. That alone made me ready for round two of crying in a bathroom stall. But then, she found it necessary to grab my arm and lean over to whisper something in my ear.

"Pity," she whispered. "I'd say you could do better than him, but he's honestly the best." What her tone indicated made me want to rip her face to shreds. Or Reed's.

I couldn't go to class when I was crumbling like a pastry, and so fragile. I got out my phone with shaking hands. My fingers shook as I dialed Jen's number.

"Yeah?" she asked, answering on the third ring.

"I need you in the bathroom. Hurry up," I said shortly, my throat catching incessantly. "First floor."

"Alexa, are you okay?" Jen asked.

"No. Just please come," I told her, my chin shaking. I was teetering on the edge of hysterical. I hung up and rushed to the girl's bathroom. Somehow, Jen beat me there.

She sat me down on the radiator attached to the wall, and hugged me immediately. "I'm so sorry, babe," she sighed."Matt told me everything."

I squawked out, "I just cant--" before bursting into tears again, wetting Jen's shirt. Girls passing in amd out of the bathroom didn't look at us funny. That's the one thing I like about girls; unless they're devil spawn like Marin, mostly, they get what you're going through. And they mostly don't judge you. A few times, a girl looked at me and asked if I was okay. I shook my head, and she said she was sorry.

Summer came about twenty minutes later, spitting fire. "I'll castrate that loser," she swore, rubbing my back confortingly. She mumbled more threats, and I couldn't help but smile at her anger. I took these girls for granted way too much.

We put Grace on speaker, and heard her dad asking what could she possibly be screaming about. After she had to hang up, we spent the end of that period and the next walking around the school and dodging corridor aides. We went back to the cafeteria for lunch after second period.

By the end of lunch, I was past the hopeless, sad stage, and deep into the angry stage.

"Will you be okay for English?" Jen asked.

"I could drive you home," Summer offered.

"No, no, I'm not gonna let Marin win. It's kind of obvious why they hooked up. She wants me to be to scared of her."

Summer and Jen nodded knowingly, and I walked with my head held high to English.

I walked in the classroom and Reed smirked at me, as if everything was the same as this morning. I simply shook my head.

He frowned and patted the seat next to him. I looked around; of course, there were no other seats beside the one next to Ava, where Marin always sat. In a huff, I sat down and faced away from Reed.

"Who lit the fuse to your tampon, babe?" he joked. I shook my head again. How could he even talk to me?

"Alexa?" His voice got soft. "Babe, what happened?"

Marin walked in at that moment. She smirked at me, then frowned when she saw that I was sitting next to Reed. She kept staring at me as she sat down.

"Please don't talk to me," I said in a low voice. I iced him out for the rest of class. He refused to give up, and just resorted to texting me.

him: will u please look at me?

him: what's wrong?

him: lexi please

I had to pat myself on the back for ignoring him for that long. The bell rang, and I got up to leave faster than anybody. Reed chased me down the hall.

"Hey," he said, grabbing my bicep. He was a lot bigger than me, obviously, so as much as I pulled away, it was easy for him to keep hold on me. "What's up with you?"

"As if you didn't know," I replied coldly.

"I really don't," he sighed, sounding exasperated. "Why are you ignoring me?"

"Because of Marin Daley, that's why! Stop playing dumb, it doesn't make you look any better."

Reed's face went from shocked to tired. "Oh, that." His grip loosened, and I took my chance, yanking my arm away.

"Have fun using what everyone else has, Reed," I called over my shoulder. The crowd walking down the hallway parted around him as he stood stock-still, staring after me.