Codependent

Chapter 73

Andrew looked at the questions and I saw his eyes stopping at one of the first ones knowing questions were coming.

"There is a past of self-harm and suicidal acts and thoughts I read, does that still affect you?" he asked and I sighed.

"Do you mean if I still do that?" I asked and he nodded.

"I'm not suicidal anymore, that was only in the early years when I was taken, but I do have thoughts, self-harm is more complicated," I said and he asked me how it was more complicated.

"I will push myself too hard when I'm upset or frustrated with training wanting to feel some type of release, but I stopped... cutting myself a while after living with the avengers," I said and he nodded and just wrote it down I supposed.

"You said you were... taken?" he asked and I nodded and he looked at me waiting to tell him, I had to admit that he was good at making people open up.

"When I was two years old my parents divorced and at 7 my father took me away from my mother, when I was 13 he sold me to Hydra where I've stayed until less than a year ago when the avengers saved me," I explained my timeline without details and dryly.

He looked at me without expression but I felt his empathy, his worry and I hated it, but he couldn't control how he felt it was just annoying that I had to feel it. He wrote it down and took a deep breath.

"Was your father abusive?" he asked and I looked at him confused about how he picked that up, he looked at me waiting for me to speak again.

"What gave it away?" I asked back and he smiled.

"Couple of things, the way you look away when you refer to him, the tone of how you speak and you actually got an angry frown, but you're good at hiding them from plain sight," he said and I took the compliment.

"You're angry at him?" he asked, I nodded and he asked why I was so upset.

"He has always been the only person who can control me, make me feel scared and... powerless," I said softly and he nodded.

"What's the last time you encountered him?" he asked again and I took a deep breath hating this story.

"A few months ago I went on a break with someone, he found me and took me for a few days," I said looking down.

"You were injured?" he asked and I nodded.

"I was in critical condition by the time they found me, I was in a coma for 8 days," I said and he looked more shocked.

"I'm not here for your empathy," I said dryly looking into his eyes and he just kept looking back.

"What are you here for?" he asked and I sighed.

"I'm trying... to become better, I'm trying to find my purpose," I said honestly and he nodded. "Why now?" he asked and it was a question that I really didn't think about before so I took a minute thinking about it.

"I was always given a purpose by someone controlling me, after leaving hydra, it was the first time I got to make my own choices," I said softly. I surprised myself with this conversation because saying this out loud was so much more meaningful than thinking it to myself.

"I want to make a deal with you," he said and I nodded. "I will let go and I will read all those questions you filled in, and the next time you're here you will tell me a story, it can be anything you want," he said and I nodded.

He let me go and I walked out feeling weird like I started a conversation that was aching to be ended but it would take a year to do so. Maybe this was the feeling of what they called opening healed wounds, but maybe my wounds only seemed healed.