Allies and Enemies (AoT Reader Insert)

Chapter 9: To You, Who Left Me Behind

Marie,

     Your love for me was harsh and my hate for you was gentle.

Such passionate emotions that encompass beings that are so unique and paradoxal. Love and hate are so commonly regarded as opposites to one another, though the comparison is clearly mistaken. Love and hate had and have always been one in the same.

Many are inclined to believe that hate is a hot feeling that forms in the pits of one's stomach and that the gentle caress of love is formed from the heart. I wonder though, if all feelings truly come from one's mind. If the illusion that we know as life is nothing but a moment passing by.

I've always disregarded the notion that all life is but an illusion. That's not to say that I find the claim to be persporterous, but rather that I disliked the meaning. To disregard life as nothing but an illusion is to disregard all of the emotions and feelings that one will endure. All of the pain, laughter and hope reduced to nothing but an illusion.

While an honest notion, it has always been a cruel one.

Those cruel notions had been what brought on such an ephiany upon me.

I had always suffered beneath the weight and expectations of others. Ones that had taken shape within the social confines of this world we live in. Ones that had been so deeply rooted into this world that we can only regard it as a moment.

If we truly are just a moment then I wonder if that moment will ever mean anything less.

If we are but words on a page, then do each of our feelings and interactions mean something less than what they do now? If my emotions are nothing but words crafted onto a page in an attempt to create a false meaning then do they really mean anything?

Oh, how I wonder.

In some ways, you were an excellent older sister; and in others you had fallen flat. Though, I expect that everyone feels the same way about their older siblings. Afterall, it is hard to learn when there's no one to teach you how to act. When there's no one to teach you to be a sibling.

Children learn to be parents.

Children learn to be guardians.

Children learn to be strong pillars for those around them by those around them.

And yet, there is no one there to teach us how to be a proper older sibling, except perhaps each other.

I wonder if I left you annoyed? I wonder if my words had bored you and if my actions caused you to roll your eyes? I wondered then, just as I wonder now. I wonder if you were jealous of me. Jealous that I had made it into the Warrior program - something you hadn't been able to achieve. Jealous of the life that I would get to live? Did you feel relief that it wouldn't have to be you?

Do you remember when I had first joined the Warrior program?

You had forced a smile, thinking that I and our parents wouldn't notice, before proceeding to ignore me for the remainder of the day. Something about the way you ignored me burned. I wondered if it was because of jealousy?

I eventually came to the conclusion that it must've been out of concern.

Even after all the times you had ignored me when I called your name; all the times you had pushed me away when I wanted to play; all the times you gazed at me with fear in your eyes; I know that you had still loved me. Why else would you have let me crawl into your bed every other night with tear stained cheeks? Why else would you have been so insistent that I do well in classes? Why else would you always make sure that I wore my arm band?