Allies and Enemies (AoT Reader Insert)

Chapter 22: To You, Who I Couldn't Save

Sasha,

     I'm sorry.

A thousand times, I'd like to say I'm sorry.

There's no way for me to ever tell you how sorry I am, and there's no way you'll ever know how sorry I am. Regardless, I still apologise. Perhaps just to ease my worthless concinense. Perhaps it's now the only thing I can do.

So once again, I'm sorry.

So very, pathetically sorry.

I never could have imagined that Gabi, a young girl who I've had a hand in training, would sneak onto the blimp headed for Paradis and shoot with the intent to kill. I've always known her to be a reckless young girl, but I never expected her to get as far as she did.

While Gabi may have been the one to pull the trigger, your death is my fault.

If I hadn't been so insistent on staying inside of the airship myself. If I hadn't allowed myself to fall into Jaeger's hands. If I hadn't been such a fool! Then perhaps I would have been able to keep Gabi from making her own plans. Perhaps she wouldn't have run off without thinking and perhaps she wouldn't have been able to fire a bullet at all, but I doubt that she would've taken such a beating lying down. She's... quite like another suicidal blockhead I know.

What had been one of the best days in their entire lives was suddenly turned into a living nightmare. After all, you, the island devils she was raised to believe were heartless, did exactly what Marley had always said you'd do. I don't expect to justify her actions - the weight of taking a life is far greater than she could ever imagine, and I don't expect that a single letter will make everything that's happened less painful. After all, the letter that I write right now is nothing but a device used to clear my own guilty conscience.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, and I'm sorry I watched you die. When everything was said and done, I knew that the safety of those children was what I had to prioritize.

Despite how I've always said those children are nothing more than the next generation of Warriors, I care for them. I pity them for being born into a world where their worth is dictated by a single band around their arm, but I love them with everything that I am.

Do you remember when we were both just trainees? We were friends, weren't we? You don't have to think of me as your friend if you don't want to, but I've always thought of you as a friend. I'm not asking for you to look back on the memories you share with me and think of them as nothing more than fake, and I'm not asking you to cherish those memories either. I simply wonder if you ever think about the things we did, or if you push them aside as 'just another day'. Personally, I think about those days quite often.

You were such an honest and kind girl. Despite how you often got into trouble for dozing off or fooling around, you worked tirelessly every single day. Sometimes you would even fall asleep while we were cleaning the stables together. I could only imagine the amount of effort you were putting into everything you did. You worked hard to polish your ODM skills, studied for tests that you didn't want to take, and even spoke in a manner you found displeasing. Sometimes I wonder if you ever got around to speaking in a way you were truly comfortable with. I wonder if you ever got to live the way you truly wanted to.

It's been ages since the last time I talked with you, and I hate that the last conversation we shared was just a moment passing in time. Now I sit alone, wondering if there was anything I could have possibly done to share a drink with you. I would have loved to share some of the best things we had to offer in Marley. It's true that Marley is a nation that is far from perfect, but there were little things that I learned to love about it.

I suppose... despite how poorly I was treated throughout childhood and in adulthood, Marley is my home. I found things to love about it because I didn't have any other choice but to do so. I hope that you were able to love Paradis without any qualms. I hope that you never had to force yourself to love your home, because your home loved you so very much. Everyone who got to know you loved you, and I'm certain that you loved them too. I can only hope that the people who you loved the most were people who accepted you for you, and not for the person they expected you to be.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, but it was never in my place to do so. After becoming someone who willingly destroyed what little peace you knew, I gave away any and every right I might have had to call myself your friend. Recalling the memories I share with you will not right my wrongs. The only thing I can do now is make sure I don't do those things ever again. And that had to start with me protecting the children that love me, and in turn, the children that I love.

My sincerest apologies, (Y/n) (L/n).