Allies and Enemies (AoT Reader Insert)

Chapter 26: To You, Who Saved Me

Ymir,

Thank you.

I never really had the chance to express to you just how grateful I am, so thank you. From the bottom of whatever heart I hope I have, I'm so very, pathetically grateful for the sacrifice you made.

I'm sure that if I had tried to thank you in person you would have just brushed my thanks aside. Not out of spite or ignorance of course. You were never really the type of person who cared for flowery compliments or praise from anyone other than yourself. The only person you ever tried to please was you, and for that I will forever envy you. Perhaps that is a compliment in and of itself, but it's the truth. My truth.

But I wonder if your truth was the same?

I'm not sure how many generations of Titan Shifter memoires you could see, but I have seen the life of far too many of my predecessors. One of them had even been alive during the time of your capture and sentence to Paradis. I hope I wasn't impeding on your privacy by looking for more about your past, but the things I saw through memories only served to make me curious.

Memories are tricky things, and Eldians memories are even harder to navigate. There are twists and turns in places I least expect them. They're broken puzzle pieces scattered around that don't really fit with each other, yet show just enough of a picture to make me believe I might understand.

Deep down, you were just like me. Or perhaps I was like you at a different time in your life. It's how we both ended up on that island after all.

We were both just children. We should have been able to be children. Unfortunately, the world we grew up in was cruel and the people who lived in it were even cruller. We did what we thought was best to survive. Maybe we were naive or perhaps we just didn't know any better, but we both gave away our lives trying to help others.

You, a girl with power forced upon her.

Me, a girl who forced power onto herself.

I used to wonder if the reason you cared about me was the remaining parts of Marcel seeping through, but I think I'm starting to draw new conclusions. I would hate to think you pitied me, but I suppose my circumstances made me pathetic.

I'm not sure you ever loved me the same way Marcel did, but I know you at least loved yourself. I don't really wish I loved myself more, but I do wish I could love more freely.

Unfortunately, my love comes at a cost.

I'm not sure you'd believe me, but my predecessors often lost the people they loved the most. Perhaps this is all a coincidence, or perhaps it's nothing more than the sad life of someone born a second class citizen.

Reed, my father, lived through the deaths of his wife and daughter. Cloud, his predecessor, fell in love with someone who would never return his feelings. And Maemi, the predecessor of Cloud, could never love the person who loved her because in truth, her heart belonged to someone else.

In all honesty, I'm afraid to love. Isn't that so pathetic?

I'm too scared of losing the people I've grown attached to. I'm too scared to admit that my care runs so deep that it has sprouted love.

I care for the children who are in line to inherit Titans. I care for the people who work alongside me, carrying the burden of Titans. I care for the girl who is supposed to end my life and take on the burden of my powers. I care for all of them so much that I put my life on the line for them, yet I'm still scared to admit that I love them. All of them.

You'd think that someone like me would make use of my shorter life to care for whoever I wanted. You'd think that someone like me should be allowed to love whoever I want. Honestly, you'd be right. It's just unfortunate that I was born into this world as a second class citizen.

If only things were easier. If only life was kinder. Ifs and what ifs fill my mind, just as they had filled the mind of my predecessors. Now the line between who I am and who my predecessors were is blurry. Now I'm left as nothing more than a broken and stitched back together tool that Marley so carelessly created.

Sometimes I wish that I-

I don't remember what I wanted to confess about myself. It's been a while since the last time I touched this letter... nearly four months I believe. I don't usually stop writing letters to people mid way through, but something had required my attention. I can't remember what though. Up until this point I have been carrying my senseless scribbles around at the bottom of my bag - not that I can remember putting it there.

I've told you this before, but Eldian memories are strange things. You'd think that someone who can recall the memories of those who came before her would at least remember the things that happened in her own life. I guess things like war change that. It's fine though. I wouldn't want to remember the horrors I've seen on the battlefield more than I already do. I don't always need to remember every conversation I've ever had with someone. But sometimes, like today, I wish I could remember more of what happened.

It was the strangest thing. We were in the middle of battle when I saw the most curious pair of eyes. Technically I wouldn't describe the eyes of the person as curious, but the circumstances in which they appeared were what earned them their curious name.

There's two people I know whose eyes are such vibrant green. One of them is someone you've never met, but the other is someone you'd be familiar with.

I'm scared to think about what might have happened. I can't recall anything from when I saw those eyes to when I came to my senses an hour later... but I really shouldn't be talking about myself in this letter. After all, this is supposed to be me thanking you.

Although you were the one who killed Marcel, you were also the one who saved Reiner, Bertholdt and myself. Reiner and Bertholdt may not have known or cared to think about why you saved us back then, but I think a part of me has always suspected why.

I don't want to accuse you of being something you aren't, but I believe that beneath your tough and brooding exterior is a soft and caring person.

Even if your encouragement came in the form of you telling me to get laid, it was a genuine piece of advice (and if I'm entirely honest, I don't think I would have expected anything else from you). You saw how unhappy and miserable I had become. There was only so much I could lose before I had nothing left to be taken. Even though I'm too scared to love, you gave me reason to fight. You gave me reasons to keep going rather than give my life away to the next generation of shifters. For that alone I will forever be grateful to you.

In the wake of your absence, I found reasons to keep living. It's all you ever wanted for people like me - the sad little children of Marley who so carelessly gave our lives away. So once again, I can only thank you for everything you've ever done - even if those things weren't necessarily for me.

Thank you for giving me the courage to love again - (Y/n) (L/n).