Allies and Enemies (AoT Reader Insert)

Chapter 18: To You, Who I Loved

Bertholdt,

        The leaves which have been painted in various shades of red, orange and yellow have almost finished falling from the trees that they once called home. Like birds leaving the nest, they have finally mustered up the courage to break away from the strong branch that they call home. It's almost beautiful how they glide into a new world that they know nothing about. I must admit, I find comfort in how the bright leaves find homes in the modestly coloured greens and browns. Poetic as the once green leaves rest amongst what they used to be.

Reiner is doing the best he can. I thought you might have wanted to know because the two of you were so close. He doesn't talk to me much, though he doesn't talk to any of the other Warriors much. He keeps to himself when around us and spends more time with the recruits that will take over when our contracts are up. Reiner did always have trouble conversing with us when we were younger. I had thought he might have gotten over all that social anxiety after Paradis but it seems he's reverted back to who he was.

Perhaps he's gotten worse because he no longer has you to rely on.

Pieck is as aloof as always. Despite that she has countless friends, Eldian and Marelyan alike. She always had been good with people.

I think you might be pleased to hear that the new recruits are doing well. I know you had taken quite a liking to them in your time here. I wonder if you might have had an older brother bond with them.

Reiner's cousin, Gabi, asks about you. She doesn't understand basic social cues very well but she does well in all of her classes. She kind of reminds me of a certain suicidal maniac. Hot headed and determined. It's a shame that being reckless will likely end up getting her killed one day. Just like how it'll likely get the suicidal maniac killed. Just like how it got you...

Anyways, Colt is struggling to keep up with the politics of it all. I wonder what he'll do when it comes time for him to lead the other shifters? I hope he won't be too much of a push over. I hope he'll stand up for the kids that will come after him.

They tend to see us as nothing but tools. I wouldn't be surprised if we were worth the same as the tools people wield to shoot one another. It's demoralising knowing that the nation you risk your life for values you and your precious comrades at the same level as cheap guns. Even Paradis, the place where we were nothing but fodder, valued us more.

Emanon, the girl who will be taking over for me, is determined. She's a very gentle soul who I hope will never have to see a war. I plan on ending this battle with the mid-east before my contract is up. Emanon is fond of life in a way that I hadn't been when I was her age. You know, after she takes over my burden she'll live to be older than I am. All of the new Warriors will live to be older than we would have.

You know... I'm scared about what will happen when my contract ends.

I'm scared because I don't know what will happen. Do you think it'll hurt when everything finally comes crashing down and ends? And to think, there had once been a time that I had been so willing to lay down my life.

But enough about pointless fears.

A kitten watches me from a branch. The calico pelt of the feline gives it a sort of camouflage despite there being a lack of leaves left. I might have even missed the creature entirely if not for the deep green eyes that are so reminiscent of yours.

Cats always remind me of you though.

Do you remember the kitten from the tree?

The gaze of the feline is curious and gentle. Different from the typical cold and territorial eyes that cats usually have. I wonder if it has something to do with the feline's young age. Children have always been so innocent.

A window separates the feline from me. I wonder if it too, is all alone without a family?

Only a few chosen leaves linger in the trees with the kitten. They linger among branches like children clinging to the limbs of their parents. Hesitant and afraid. With a conviction that can only be broken with time. They linger like how I linger onto my affections for you.

A cool breeze sweeps in through the window suddenly, ruffling the notes and papers that I've left scattered around the room. I suddenly find myself missing the warmth of embarrassment that used to fill me when you would close the window. I suddenly find myself missing the playful smile you would send my way when you sensed my embarrassment.

I can hear the leaves rustling beneath my window, dancing in the breeze. I wonder how long it will be before they are covered in frost?

The breeze doesn't just carry the leaves, but the laughter of children as well.

They wander beneath the street with backpacks far too large for their small forms. So young and innocent. They're around the age that we were when we first met. Barely aware of this world that they've been born into. I wonder if we were just as innocent and naive?

Behind the children walks a young couple hand in hand with their faces flushed in embarrassment. Just as we had once done. A young boy with blonde hair smiles bashfully at the red haired girl standing beside him. Ah, to be careless and free. Careless enough to fall in love without having to worry about the consequences.

We had been just as careless and free once.

I guess, I myself am still rather young. At least physically.

The war has aged me far past my years. I've seen and committed more horrors than I'd like to admit. I wonder if this was how you felt while behind the walls? I wonder how you had been able to deal with the guilt as you lived and laughed with them. But mostly, I wonder if you resent me for being able to ignore all the trauma.

You never did talk about your feelings. You never wanted to talk about the things that troubled you.

I guess, in your defence, I never liked talking about those kinds of things either.

Most people never realise that Titan Shifters still feel pain. Just because we can heal doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when we cut our fingers and bite our thumbs. Just because people can't see the pain doesn't mean that we don't cry.

I think at some point, I forgot about all the pain too.

Marley had always been much too good at brainwashing us into thinking that we were less than human. They had always been so adamant in trying to turn us into the perfect killing machines. Marley had been so effective in turning us against families and against ourselves that I had forgotten why I had even become a Titan Shifter in the first place.

Everytime I transform it hurts.

Everytime the crystal grows from my skin it burns.

It's left a scar that the healing abilities of a Titan Shifter will never fix.

I'm sorry I had been so blind to your own feelings and pain. Not that any apology I make would fix anything. You left not knowing how sorry I really was. I wonder if it burned every time you transformed? I wonder if you had been crushed beneath the burdens that Marley had forced upon you?

This... this letter has gotten far too emotional.

I just wish that there was some way that I could voice all of these things to you. Instead, each and every letter I've written to you will be burned. Hidden away from any eyes that aren't my own. But really, I wish there was some way for me to let you know how I felt.

The fallen apple core I left days ago has begun to rot. Ants have scattered over it and I haven't the heart to dispose of the rotting fruit. Not when it'll be the last of their food before winter takes over.

The last of the leaves will begin to fall soon, marking the end of another autumn.

Another autumn without you.

Sincerely, yours, (Y/n) (L/n)