I'll Be There

19 | just the two of us

Spencer reached the end of the sidewalk and fell back into a walking pace. He couldn't overexert himself. He had a game to play in later that afternoon, and he was expected to show up and show out, regardless of the fact that he spent most of the night memorizing every bump and crevice along Olivia's bedroom ceiling.

And while he did manage to drift off for a couple hours, the temporary break from his thoughts did little to calm his nerves. Instead, the night had stretched on while he mulled over what he overheard in his mother's kitchen. Each hour ushered in a new wave of emotions - anger, confusion, resentment. But most of all, he felt a loss. The future he always dreamed of striped from him without his knowing. Was he really not going to get a chance to be a father?

And then there was Olivia.

She had fallen asleep almost instantly, as if his touch had the power to shut down her mind and send her off into another world. The look on her face as she drifted off to sleep showed no signs of the distress he had identified earlier. A heaviness settled in his chest when he heard the ragged sounds of her muffled cries, and he hadn't been able to shake it since.

It was true. They hadn't discussed children. They hadn't discussed much of anything because, in his mind, they were picking back up right where they left off.

Before they lost the baby.

Walking back into Olivia's apartment, he was careful to not make too much noise, figuring that Olivia was still sleeping after the long night. In the kitchen, he quietly pulled the ingredients he needed for an omelet from the fridge. Before prepping the vegetables, he filled the kettle with water for Olivia's tea.

He was focused on chopping the onion into a fine dice when he felt her arms slowly wrap around his waist, pulling him back into her as she pressed her cheek against his shoulder.

For a split second, he tensed up under her touch.

"Can we talk?" she asked softly.

"Sure," he replied, setting the knife down and turning towards her.

The silence was deafening as neither of them knew where to start.

"Look, I know what you may have overheard was not exactly..." she stopped before restarting slower. "Your mom and I were just talking. I wasn't expecting her to say that. She was just asking about Simone, and then she said that, and I reacted."

He took a deep breath, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer to his next question. "Did you mean it?"

She paused. "Yes, I did," she sped up as his eyes strayed from hers, "but you have to understand—"

"You know how much I want this," he cut her off. "You knew how important this is to me."

"Yes, I know. But it's not that simple," she pleaded with him, sensing that the conversation was not headed in the calm direction she was hoping for. He was spiraling, and she desperately needed to reel him back in.

"I understand that Olivia, trust me, I do. But this is it then? You just decided you don't want to have kids."

"I told you last night that I didn't make any decisions."

"You should have mentioned that to me."

"Spencer, please, will you just listen to me."

"It'd be one thing if you had been on the fence in the past or you never wanted kids, but we talked about it, Liv. Kids were always in the plan. This is something we both wanted. All those late nights debating who they'd look like or what we'd teach them," Spencer's voice teetered on the edge, the hurt fighting to break through to the forefront. "Now, you're telling me that what happened cancels all our dreams, just like that?" He paused, holding his breath while trying to read her face. "We can try again."