I'll Be There

33 | my little love

Olivia scrunched her nose as she assessed the colorful foam mat that covered her plush white living room rug. It was a bit of an eye sore. But then again, everything baby related was a bit of an eye sore; chunky furniture, plastic toys, constant messes. Ever since her return from Miami, she had become hyperaware of Theo and everything that seemed to orbit around him. The bulky bags full of... stuff. The mood swings. The noise.

For the tenth time in what couldn't have been more than five minutes, the cheery jingle played through the living room. The tune made her ears ache. Until it stopped. Then Theo slammed his fist against the bright blue button, and it started again.

"How about we pause on this game for a little bit. Huh, buddy?" She kept a wide smile, crouching as she swiped the obnoxiously loud toy away from her nephew. He frowned and tried to grasp for it, but was quickly placated when she presented him with a quieter alternative.

Laying down along the edge of the play mat, she watched helplessly as Theo tried to jam a circle block into a triangular hole. Sometimes he could be so smart, and then sometimes he just—faltered a little.

In an attempt to grant her brother and sister-in-law a much needed break, she had offered to watch him for the weekend. Some added practice, she reasoned. Which seemed like a good idea since her anxiety prevented her from seeking child-rearing information elsewhere. Except watching Theo wasn't going to provide her the guidance she needed. He was a full-blown baby, successfully conceived, birthed, and cared for. There were several steps to get through first, before anything she internalized over the weekend would become even remotely useful.

Spencer was optimistic. But all the optimism in the world couldn't stop the thoughts that were slowly implanting themselves in her mind. And even though she and Spencer agreed to keep their attempts between the two of them, she was itching to vocalize those thoughts to someone not involved in the process.

With his limited vocabulary, Theo seemed as good a candidate as any. So not pausing to think, she propped her head onto her palm. "Can you keep a secret?"

He ignored her, instead finding interest in the small bowl of banana slices next to him.

"Your Titi and uncle Spencer are trying to give you a baby cousin."

"Baby," Theo looked up, proud of himself.

"Yeah, a baby. Just like you," Olivia smiled.

"Baby," Theo mumbled, going back to his snack.

"But it's taking a little time."

One month. It was just one month. Not knowing when to expect her period after coming off birth control, she waited the recommended amount of days to take a test. It had been a whole event. Her and Spencer sat on the floor of the bathroom, waiting, their hands gripping onto each other for dear life. They repeated the ritual every day, holding out hope against the negative tests. Until, on the fourth day, came blood.

The single line crushed her, but she tried not to let the thoughts fester. One month wasn't enough evidence to assume that anything was wrong. Maybe they had missed their window. They just had to keep trying. And trying was still—fun. For now.

"How does that sound? A little cousin for you to play with. Would you like that?"

Once again, Theo didn't bother to look up. He just shook his head at his toy.

"I think you would," Olivia laughed quietly. "You'll be such a good big cousin. You can show them how to walk and how you play with your toys and how you use your spoon."

That is, if Spencer were to make the decision to stay in LA. For now, their future was still in limbo, and the looming unknown suddenly made her words feel a little heavier.