please, feel free to place in the comments what you wish you could've said to that one person. you're all safe here, I promise.
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I miss you so much. You don't even understand how bad it's killing me. I shouldn't miss you because you were a shitty person, but I do. You are the reason for every one of my insecurities. The beginning of that little voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough. The one who drained the life out of me the second I was in your presence. You ruined me for anyone else to love. You make me feel bad. I prayed and cried, begged you even.. just to love me. I begged you not to leave me home alone. I begged you not to leave me at some strangers house while you went out doing God knows what. I begged you to come back home after you'd leave for days at a time. I begged for your love, time and time again. It's stupid to think that I actually thought you were really sorry. All the times you hit me and covered it up. All the times you would degrade me and embarrass me. All the times you ignored me. Told me to leave you alone. Locked me in my room. Told me I disgusted you. Why wasn't I good enough, mama? I don't want to beg for your love and attention. Can I please just have it? For once in my life can you reassure me? I really don't like it when you hurt me but you do it so often I've become numb to it. I'm afraid I'm too fucked up for anyone to love and it's your fault, yet you're never there to blame. My blades are stained with blood because of you, as are my bed sheets and sink. My floor and my bedside table. My dresser. They all have remnants of the harm i did to myself and the harm you inflicted on me. Of all the things you've stolen in life, why did you have to steal what made me, me? Why can't you just look at me like I'm my own person and not just a remodel of yourself to get jealous of? I'm in pain. Every night, I'm in pain. My body shakes, my eyes well up with tears, my lips bleed from my teeth biting at them to calm me. Why did you leave so many scars? Every part of that apartment is covered in my blood. My tears. My pain. Not yours. Mine. The floor in your bedroom where you kicked me and hit me til I finally shut up. The front door way where you closed my arm in, the hallway where I ran to get away from you. God, if only I was fast enough, maybe it would've been over sooner. The street outside where you banged my face against your car. The parking lot where you told me you wish you had an abortion. The bathroom where you beat me into submission. The kitchen where you threw knives, plates, plants, pots and food at me. Every inch. Every room. Covered in my pain and trauma. I just wanted my mom. I just want a mom. You left so many scars on my body and my mind, im afraid no sane person could ever love me. You are evil. You are everything I hate. You are the worst human being I've ever encountered. And yet, I still love you with my whole heart.
Maybe you'll apologize. Maybe you won't. But I hope you know, you broke me.
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This is just a small portion of everything id like to say to my mother. It's not like she'd listen, but it feels good to get it out. I love every one of you. You are not alone, okay? I'm always here. Always.
