Earthquake - Oihina fic

Chapter 22 - Third Confession

Hinata's ceiling. He appreciated it. It never changed. It never changed colour or shape or size or substance. The ceiling - just - was. The ceiling didn't tell him to call it Toru and then blank him for five days. The ceiling also never treated him badly until the window was being kinder, and then realising that the ceiling was losing to the window, decided to try and get close to Hinata.

Hinata's heart made no sense to him. Even though Oikawa had disappeared off the face of the planet he trusted him more than the persistent setter whose sudden interest he still didn't fully believe. And even though every fibre of his being came alive at the thought of Oikawa, Hinata could not deny the emotions that had pulsed through him from Kageyama's kiss and touch; he did not want to admit it but what the blueberry had said was true - it felt right. It felt different from when he was with Oikawa but it wasn't by any means weird. It had felt organic. Natural. Like their dynamic was always headed in this direction anyway.

You want to date him.

Hinata closed his eyes and sighed. Did he still want to date Oikawa? He was mad, sad, angry, frustrated, confused, annoyed, terrified - every negative emotion under the sun seemed to have sprouted in the middle blocker throughout the course of the week. He knew he shouldn't make assumptions: Iwaizumi hadn't got back to him about Oikawa; for all he knew there was a family emergency. Maybe Oikawa wasn't even in Sendai right now.

Or maybe he was in the arms of someone else.

Hinata could stab something from the thought.

So is he like using you like a toy?

Hinata rubbed his eyes. That age old question came back to him, the one that he had had even during the blackout: what am I to Oikawa?

Was he a toy? No. No, he knew he wasn't. Oikawa had taken a punch for Hinata from his own best friend. The captain had almost crossed under the net at the sight of another setter putting his arm around Hinata. Oikawa had moved at snail-pace speed in anything sexual; if Hinata was a toy to him, surely, Oikawa would've done what he wanted by now without any consideration for how the spiker felt. So no. That question he had an answer to.

Are you in love with him?

Hinata opened his eyes and stared at the trusted ceiling.

'No,' he said.

No. No, he wasn't in love with Oikawa. Love wasn't supposed to feel like this, right? Love didn't feel... bad. Or sad. Or make you hurt. If he was in love with Oikawa he would feel happy - that was what love meant, right? But Hinata cast his mind around. The truth was, he didn't really know because... he'd never been in love before. So when he was in love, how was he supposed to know?
From what he gathered from books and movies, love was this amazing thing that filled your heart with joy all the time. Sure joy was a component of how he felt while he was around Oikawa. But he also felt... insecure. Uncertain. Like he never really knew what the setter was thinking. Shortchanged, somehow. Like he'd been giving everything he had wholeheartedly to Oikawa but he could sense that from Oikawa there was still some reserve.

And if it wasn't love then what did he feel for Oikawa? If he could have Oikawa appear right here in his room, he would. He wanted to see Oikawa, to be around him, to feel him, touch him. What was this? Even after all the pain and anguish from the setter's absence, if Oikawa was here on this bed, Hinata would still ask the setter to hold him. The feel of Oikawa's hair in his fingers, the power of his unyielding gaze, his active consideration and care - all these things made Hinata's heart yearn so badly. He wanted to hear Oikawa's voice, to see him smile, to smell his scent, to touch his skin...