Eleven Years

CHAPTER 27

SADIE


I ASKED HIM for a numerous time. I asked if where would Rosie be right now but he kept quiet. Jared shut his mouth like the whole hours.

He only told me that tomorrow could change everything. Tomorrow, I would meet Rosie. Is she dead? married to someone else? or what?

Same questions I asked to him but he only muted for as long as I could remember. I got out of his car and never turned around for him. He called me by my name and said 'goodnight'.
It wasn't sweet, it was a bitter one. I didn't know what would happen tomorrow morning.

Hoping everything would be better ...


*

White dress

Curly hair

Face with a little touch of make-up

Gold necklace

And a pair of chestnut-colored sandals.

I held my breath for as long as I wanted to. There was no point of being formal like this but it was about time. I had to face this. I took a glance outside and the sun was getting wilder than before. I bet it would be a great day for people outside but maybe not for me.

My handbag placed at the back of my door and I grabbed it. My hand kept holding the doorknob for a little while. I stood completely, just reminding myself to be ready, to stay focus and to walk my feet out of this apartment. Just a second after, he called. I swiped up my phone and he said 'good morning', I almost melt. He told me that he was already in the gate ... waiting for me. We ended the call and I went outside.

Jared, there were lots of words that I wanted to say to him but every time that I urged to open up ... he, sometimes, got unaware of the world. He was the best man I had ever known, he showed me different things that I had never seen before and created a big hole in my life. By looking at him right now, the thought of him being married was just a fallacy for me but the saddest truth ... was it was real, he actually was a married man.

He complimented me about the way I look, I didn't reply anything at all because there were no words to explain how dashing he was right now. I kept the smile in my head.

He opened the car's door for me and took a deep breath. As he started the engine, he looked at
me closely.

"Ready?"

I was the first one to let go of that eye to eye contact, "um... let's go"


*



We arrived in the eastern part of Philadelphia. There were lots of trees, road was empty, quiet neighborhood and the sincerity just existed here. So cool, calm and perfect.

Jared parked the car near the biggest pine tree in the street. In front us was a big, white, and silent building. It felt something strange, what place is this? I pressed my lips and watched Jared talking to the security guard. After a sudden, he came back to my side.

"Come with me", he said and let me led the way.
There was something in Jared's voice. He was a bit ill, I tried to calm him down but it seemed like he didn't and he couldn't. His eyes were down but still, he was smiling for me. I could feel the deadly air now, I pressed my hands together.
As we entered to the building, I realized it wasn't just a normal building. It wasn't a cemetery at all, well, I had a thought in my head that Rosie was dead. I studied the facade and I stopped. It was a psych. God.

"Jared"

"Sadie"

"What're we doing here?", I asked.

He moved his body to faced me, "it's about time to meet her".

I was stoked but filled with solicitude. He opened the wooden door for me and what I saw was green field, pine trees in the middle, nurses, and women. Different women. Silent women. Some were walking, some were sitting in the benches, some were playing in the field and all of them wore white. They had different faces but same gowns. They looked problematic but it didn't define them.

"God", I mumbled.

A woman in her auburn coat greeted me and Jared. She was glad that we visited the psych and mostly she was happy that Jared came back after such a long time. So, he used to go here? My curiosity filled me again but I never wanted it to be a boundary.

The woman, Ms. Fallon was the president of the psych. She served in the healthcare for almost three decades now and her life was mixed with different patients with same problems.

We followed her. Jared glanced at me, his eyes were asking for help, I could feel it. I quickly held his left hand and it was cold.

"How do I look?", he whispered in my ears.

"You're in the level of above beautiful", I admitted, "why'd you ask?"

He let go of my hand and placed his both palms on my cheeks, "I've been dying to see her again. I'm so nervous but you make everything better Sadie. Thank you"

To see her again? She's alive?

I wanted to be glad but I couldn't. It just broke my heart to know that he'd really been dying to see her ... again.

We stopped in a hallway where the silence was deafening but thanks to the birds who were chirping, they made the atmosphere even breathable.

There was a woman who hugged Ms. Fallon, no damn way. What was she doing here?
I pressed my lips and just stared at Miss Morgan, she was also staring at me. Her eyes were dead, her face became lousy and her smile was sad. After a second, she hugged Jared and ignored me. What was going on? She used to be so kind at me but why it felt like I was just a complete stranger again?

"Miss Morgan", I called her.

"Sadie", she said with no tone.

I glanced at Jared but he seemed hovering in his position. Not looking at me nor giving justice of this.

"It's nice to see you again Miss Morgan", I ended. She nodded and moved a little away. She used to say that Rosie was her niece but then she also said that she had a daughter and was taking care of it, what was the exact truth? Was she lying?

Ms. Fallon explained that next to this hallway was the other tiny park. I observed Jared's eyes, they were about to give out tears. I wanted to hold his hand, comfort him but I couldn't. He was dying to see her wife, who am I to interrupt? I'd spent so many nights hoping he would love me back but I guessed it was about time to face the truth, the painstakingly truth.

We followed Ms. Fallon in the tiny park and I felt every single beat in my heart as I moved my steps. My eyes went circled to the view, everything was in red, beautifully red. The whole little place filled with auburn tulips in the side, doves resting in their own cages, an Adirondack chair beneath the red oak tree and a woman sitting there alone. I only saw her back and her dazzling brown hair. I placed my hand in my chest and pressed my shaking lips.

"I hope you have a good time", Ms. Fallon waved her hand for a little goodbye and she went back to her office. Now, it was just me, Jared and Miss Morgan ... and the woman beneath the red oak tree.

"She's miserable for the past weeks Jared", Miss Morgan stated, "she can't even look at me"

"I ... umm ... God"

I could feel the cracks in Jared's voice. He scratched his hair and rubbed his palms. He wanted to take a step but there was hesitation in him.

"I know you haven't seen her for so many years and I think you should go over there and face her. I can feel that she missed you too", Miss Morgan said and her eyes went blurry, "Go now Jared, she waited for you for so damn long. The long wait is over"

Jared nodded and made his way to the red oak tree. He walked slowly and I saw him wiping his tears. At this very moment, it was the different Jared. It was a complete different him.

"I kinda hate you Sadie"

I turned my gaze to Miss Morgan and watched her holding her breath.

"I hate you Sadie because I'm afraid. I am really afraid that Jared will pick you instead of her. Well, he already picked her but I know he's a man, and he's tired, and he deserves better but as her aunt, I feel like I can't bear it to see him and you being happy while she's spending her life here ... spending here forever for remembering about everything and I'm praying that maybe tomorrow, her mind will come back to reality. I am praying Sadie, endlessly praying"

Miss Morgan touched my cheek and I felt that her thumb was wiping the single tear in my eye that I never noticed.

"I know you love Jared and I know that I'm not in the place to ask you but she loves him, even though her mind went to a different world, she still loves him. I'm sorry if I acted a shit to you but I just love her and all I ever wanted was for her to be alright again, to let her mind back to this reality and let her heart remember Jared for once again"

I was speechless. Miss Morgan held her breath for the word I was about to speak but there was nothing. I said nothing.

Jared picked one auburn tulip and knelt down in front of her. I watched his face turning to that happiness that I had never seen before. His smile was wider, his cheeks were red, his lips were firming and his turquoise eyes ... those were my favorite and now, they went flooded with tears ... those tears of waiting, longing, searching and living. He handed the auburn tulip to her and she took it unhesitatingly by hand. His face lit up, for the first time, he saw her again. I might clueless with their love story but deep inside it kept wrecking me. I knew they were meant to be but there was still this aching hope in my heart that he would choose me ...


and not 'Rosie'.


Jared embraced her, ran his fingers to her hair, placed his palm on her bare face and he grinned. I watched him talking to her, his words might be captivating but he was talking to someone whose mind was out of this universe. He made hand gestures, speaking to her as if she would truly a sane person. This was the pain, when you thought someone would listen to you but they weren't, because sometimes they didn't care, they didn't give a shit or attention. But in this situation, it was different, she wasn't listening to him with those reasons, she couldn't lend an ear because she became unfortunate to come back in reality.

His turquoise eyes pointed into mine, they signed me to follow him. I glanced at Miss Morgan and she nodded with her bitterly smile. I walked for seconds just to reached them.
The red oak tree was like a secret passage way and whoever wanted to enter would never escape. Its leaves were like the keys but they were too many to be the right one. The way it moved felt like a blood that grew inside your flesh. How magical as I looked up to it.

Some of its leaves were on the ground, they became confetti. Some of its color were for the atmosphere, and some were for the people whose living in an unseen world.

"Hi", I greeted them.

"I want you to meet my wife Sadie", Jared explained

"Rosie", he added.

The wind blew my hair as I managed to feel alright after all the breakdowns I had inside. Jared closed his eyes and waited for me to say another rather than 'hi'.

I took a deep breath and finally faced her. I finally faced Rosie. There was a momentum of inconsistency as I traveled my gaze from her forehead to her chin and to her body. Her hazel eyes were breathtaking but they were filled with ghostly questions. I ignored the blank space in her beautiful eyes but there was one thing in me that made me feel bizarre ... as I looked at her, I saw myself. Nothing but the same as myself.

"I look like her", I muttered as I glanced back to Jared.

"Yeah, you really do", he agreed.

I remembered those people who said that I looked like Rosie. My first meeting with Miss Emily, she said I looked familiar, that answered now. Some people in Cole Boston's party glared at me as if they saw me before, that answered now. Jake who first called me Rosie where in fact it made me terribly strange, that answered now. Miss Morgan who said she had a daughter to take care of, that answered now. Jared ... who was someone I gave my youth, my body and soul, whom I didn't expected to be a married man, that answered now. It felt like everything went finally answered well, but there was still missing and the darkest part was I didn't even know what it was.

"Hi Rosie", my voice went tender as she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met.
She glued her eyes on me. Rosie was looking at me! The nerves in my body were shaking from time to time and I didn't even know how to compose myself.

"I know you"

I stopped for a while and my hands were on my chest. Jared frowned and I told him to relax. He nodded and we waited for minutes to let Rosie spoke again.

"You're in my dreams", she mumbled.

I grinned at her and fixed her hair away from her pretty face.

"I'm Sadie Wynn. It's pleasure to meet you", I said and I meant it with all my heart.

She made a silent laugh and kissed my cheek. It was unexpected but I loved it.

"In my dreams, you were catching the brightest moon and sang with my favorite song", Rosie explained as she drew something in the air with her index finger. I knew it was the moon.

"Do you know him?", I asked her and pointed Jared. Rosie looked at him and she pouted. I could see in Jared's turquoise eyes that he had been waiting for this question, waiting for her to remember him, to accept him, to reconnect with him and praying for the power of love to let them back together.

Rosie looked up to the red oak tree and closed her eyes. She mumbled words about the moon and then she laughed.



Jared stood up and cursed at the wind. I followed him and grabbed his hands. I knew it was never easy for him to saw her wife facing this challenge for years and years now but what worst was his determination to let everything fall back from the start, where their love was young and restless.

"I think we should go Jared", I said but he didn't move and I reminded him again that it would be harder and harder for them to get back to the way they were before.

If life would be just peace and happiness, then who we are to refuse to live the life we have? But peace is nothing without a chaos that had been fixed and happiness is meaningless without the saddest storms that had been felt and survived. It was just like our mind, it is who control us, but when it controlled us to something unacceptable then we have no other option, it's either to accept it or find a way to search that love that could help us to prevent it. Maybe that was the exact thing happened to Jared and Rosie, they had a lot of peace and happiness but the other one was already creating a hole in their relationship. A hole that should've been prevented with love but that defined in everything ... "love" would never be enough.

*

I found myself standing alone together with Jared in front of America's Liberty Bell. It was only the two of us who were staring clearly in this historical landmark and even if I admitted it or not, my patriotic side would always rise in me.

"Liberty", Jared uttered.

I knew what he meant by that and I didn't want this conversation to fall to the aching point again.

"I think it's best for you to go home now Jared. It wasn't a good start for you today and - "

"And it will never be Sadie", he pushed, "she got it from her mother, her mom used to have psychosis and it killed her but I wasn't with her during that moment and ... I regretted it a lot"
I didn't hug him nor tap his back. I wanted him to express all the things he wanted to express with.

"The doctor told me years ago that she kept talking about this world about other people and about its different culture that they aren't even real and not possible in real life. Rosie forgot the reality once but after months she came back again, we married and had a happy life together but then it triggered. Rosie never stopped doing that shit like talking about these different names until she had forgotten everything and stuck with that imaginary world she's living now. You know what Sadie, I just wanted to be part of that imaginary world. Maybe with that, she would remember me again"

I felt lost. I loved this man so much but I knew that it was all enough now. There was no other way I could put myself in his life, he couldn't be my man, he said that before but my selfishness was reigning in me.

"I'll go now Jared"

"Why?", his voice cracked, "can't you stay? for a while"

I went closer to him, and with those turquoise eyes, I drowned my thoughts.

"Stay", he said, "please", he begged

"You know that I love you and I have to let that shit go. Jared, you need to understand me. It's hard for me to see you like this and it's wrecking me to see you loving someone else, well, Rosie isn't someone else right? She came well before me. When we sang that Coldplay's song, God knows how much I wanted to experience it again but when I saw you today kneeling in front of your wife ... you changed. I didn't know the story of how you met, how you fell in love, how you survived the ups and downs and whatever, but I don't care. I don't have the willingness to know it because I'm afraid that maybe after that I would truly let you go"

He grabbed my waist, I stopped him but he was way too stronger than me.

"Stop it Jared"

"No", he was a bit disturbing.

I tried with all my force to let him go but it was all useless. He secured my waist with his left hand and caressed my neck with his right one.

"I said I can't be your man but I failed to say that I'm falling for you too. You're the reason why I had the strength to face Rosie again because when I met you when I hit 30, you were there for me when nobody was. I don't want to say I love you Sadie because to be honest, my heart beats for two incredible women and what's worse is I can't choose. I promised to love one person only and that's Rosie but then you happened ... you turned that promise into a glass until I dropped it until I can't help myself but to admire you not just someone who's eleven years younger than me but as someone who has a spirit and worth"

He leaned his forehead into mine and all of the sudden that red oak tree moment ... vanished.

"In front of this America's Liberty Bell, I finally free what I've been wanting to say to you", he stated.

I grouped my arms to held his neck, "It's hard to fall in love with two people Jared but your honesty makes me feel better. I hate comparison but I'm nothing when it comes to Rosie, you loved her for almost eleven years and I'm having the hard time to believe if you even love me for eleven seconds"

"Sadie"

That voice was my warmth but it was excruciating to love someone who wasn't even done loving the first person they ever fell in love with. I had no weapon to fight with the true love, great love, first love and the wife. I had no weapon, nothing at all. I removed my arms on his neck and glanced at him one last time.



"In front of this America's Liberty Bell, I finally free what I've been dying to let go … and that is you"