Eleven Years

CHAPTER 26

11th STREET MAILBOX
7 YEARS AGO



Dear Rosie,


I've been staring for five hours with my heart shattering for this empty sheet of paper. FIVE YEARS to be exact.

The memory of you marrying me still lingered in my mind as if it was just yesterday. Your smile, your white dress, your bouquet of pink roses, your undying love and your life-changing "yes".
I can still reminiscence how you walked through the company's floors and just waved to all the workers there. From the men in the office, you smiled at them. From the janitors, you shook your hands to them. From my clients, you never failed to amaze them with your radiant grin. Those days were beautiful as if everybody in Philadelphia knew you, as my companion, my partner, my lover and my wife.

They all knew you.

And all of those details from our civil wedding, that makes me wonder that I'm lucky but not fortunate enough to have you in my arms. Each morning for those five years wasn't just chaotic ... they were fearful. I feared for my mind when I thought about you and couldn't get enough sleep. I feared for my stomach when I forgotten to eat and what to put in my mouth. I feared for my eyes when they kept crying as if I had this river in me to give out tears. I feared for my heart when it only beat for you. I feared for my soul when it got hungry and I couldn't feed it anymore. I feared for my family watching me dying every single day ... and I feared for my life, knowing that a minute or two I would literally die.

It was all painful Rosie, until now it won't stop. I celebrated my birthdays without you, we used to celebrate it together, we used to blow the candles together and used to wish the same wishes for "us".

I graduated without you, without your hands cheering for me and without you congratulating me. I left New York with no happiness in me. It was the worst graduation ever but you know what, I still gave my best to smile in honor of my late father Troye who loved me purely.

For the past five years, I have seen a lot. I watched my brother Jake marrying Kelly, they have kids now. Lucky him, lucky them. I'm still not into Jake, until now, the brotherhood that my late father wanted us to be is still missing. I realized that there isn't a real problem between us but I feel like I am the only one who's imagining that he's still my competitor, that after all these years, his existence is still a burden to me. I feel so bad for myself for breaking me with that thought. Jake is my late father's real son and now I'm guilty ... I took everything away from him. I guess we will never be that brothers, to look at him, there's a guilt that I have for so long. I wanted to ask for forgiveness but I hate myself because I feel like he would laugh at me, that the boy who used to beat him would ask for forgiveness after years and years. That would've been a fucked up thing.

In case you didn't know, I own the company now. My mom is happy, friends and mates are happy, perhaps Jake is happy but ... I am not. There's only happiness in my life, it isn't the fortune, not the cars, not the physical things but it is you Rosie. You're my other half. You're my favorite. You're my happiness.

It's been a while since I haven't visited you there in the healthcare. I have all the force to come for you and hug you and kiss you but I don't have the power. I would lose my mind every time I see you there not knowing who I am. It kills me that psychosis keep killing us, it kills our marriage, our dreams, our so-called future and our lives.

Sometimes, I was just standing there, watching you sitting alone in a bench. You were so unaware of the world. Your face went downcast and that was something I can't bear to witness. Far away, it wrecks me, how much more if I step closer and closer? I would die Rosie.

Miss Morgan will take care of you. She loves you, even though you treat her as if she's just a complete stranger in your eyes. Rosie, she's your aunt. She's someone who loves and cares for you. I hope someday you'll be able to remember her not just as your aunt but someone who's part of your life.

I already packed my bags. I can't believe I'm saying this but ... I'm heading back to New York. People would say that I'm such a useless husband but who can I blame? I can't blame you, I can't blame me, I can't blame us ... but the fate ... I blame it to death.

Rosie, I have to go. I have to leave Philadelphia and find myself in New York even though I already found myself in this incredible city with you ... but even though you're here, your mind isn't here, you're still gone.

I will leave the company to my cousin's hand, Cole Boston. I know a lot of people at work will look for me but I will keep my privacy. My mind is filled now with so much decisions and if I just focus on one thing, I know I will never survive. That's why I need to get out of here, look for myself, give time for myself and perhaps to breathe again.

I can't believe this would be my final letter for you. I love writing letters to you Rosie, ever since I was a teenager. Writing for you is a therapy and a priceless way of loving you but it has come to the end now. I have to let this thing go.

To Miss Morgan, I know you'll read this too. I just wanted you to know that I left a financial support for Rosie and if you have everything else to ask for please don't hesitate. Take care of her, take care of my wife ....



Rosie, your mind is too busy wandering and it's too excruciating to stay here. You put me in oblivion.


It's too much to feel this.

Too deadly to continue this.

I will come back here and I promise that. I will come back when I hit 30. When both of us hit 30. I'm hoping that if we reach that age ... you and I will come back stronger too. Wishing in the night stars for your mind to think of me and remember who we are.


I will do everything to make myself smile, laugh and worth it again. Rosie, I will come back. I will ... promise ....


Bye for now.



Hoping you'll remember me,


Jared