Eleven Years

CHAPTER 17

SADIE

THE clouds covered the sky and the whole Philadelphia was just quiet. The clock hit 3AM, I squeezed my eyes and covered my body with a blanket. If my mom and dad would be here, maybe they were questioning me about my virginity and how I gave it to someone so easily.

They would be so mad, extremely mad. They might slap me because I knew that shame could fill the whole house again. I miss their faces even though it reminds me of how cruel they are. At a twist of second, I wondered about my "real parents". I never cared about them but I cared about the possible situation if the three of us were altogether, eating dinner, creating memories and such family things to do. I asked God sometimes, why did he took my real parents away from me? I was just so young, had no idea how worse the world was and had no opinion on how to defend myself. If there was no Aunt Molly, then I would be back being alone again. If Nebraska meant the whole world to me then Philadelphia meant the whole universe. The whole entire universe.


"Can't sleep?"


I heard his tranquil voice and I turned my body to stare at him. The room was way too dark for me to see his face but his turquoise eyes were so much visible. It was like an ocean, so peaceful, so calm but terribly deep.

"Are you a dream?", I mumbled out of nowhere. My hand was caressing his cheek, so soft that I wanted to touch it every day.

He shut his eyes and made the corner of his mouth turned up, "I'm real".

I pushed my body towards him and pulled the blanket up to cover our bodies. We were both naked. I could feel the warmth just entering to every aspects of my veins. My nose was just inches away from him and nothing could ever define this moment, how sincere and romantic it was.
My heart was racing swiftly. I bet he could hear it. I knew he realize it.

There were a lot of things to wonder about. We both having the best time to share our bodies with each other. I had the time of my life to kiss him like he would be the last man I would ever kiss with. Every time I surrender myself to him, it felt like I'm no longer that person I used to know. I changed, he changed me. The innocent vision in me had gone now and there was no any way for me to bring it back to life.

I couldn't help myself to ask about the two of us, "what are we Jared?"

He slowly opened his eyes and quite reluctant to speak any word. I worried for this, the consequences of all these days I had with him.

"You do believe in love Sadie?"

"That's a hard question after everything I've been through", I uttered. I knew in myself that I believe in love but the pain that it brings could either break me or kill me deep inside. My mom and dad were the last people I fell in love with. They had my heart, they cared for it and they broke it. I love my Aunt Molly, she saved and even welcomed me during the chaotic events of her life. I love my so-called friends and those people I met on the street and bookstores. Generally, love for me was just caring for them, to the people that I adored with. In terms of endless love, that would be impossible. With this man whose body was next to mine, what do I have for him? I couldn't explain nor tell. All I knew was that my life became easier and better when I'm next to him...when I'm with him.

"I can't be your man Sadie"

There was a pain in me as he said those words. He can't be my man? Why does it feel so excruciating?

"I met your brother last time", I changed the topic.

He quickly positioned his body upward and leaned his back to the headboard, "you met who?"
"Jake", I answered, "he told me that you're complicated, is that true?"

There was a complete dead air. Is he really complicated? Because sometimes I could feel it.
I broke the silence, "you never told me about your past Jared. I hope you'll be able to share some of those to me".

"What else did Jake said to you?"

"He wished that you will find the essence of life, what he meant by that Jared?"

There he was looking straight at me. It was so dark but I could feel the pressure in his eyes, "I don't want to talk about it, Sadie. I think we should go back to sleep"

"Okay", I muttered.

"Sweet dreams again", his voice went a little shaky. I knew he was in pain, I wasn't numb at all but everything behind it was still a mystery for me. I was sure that Rosie had a part of what he was feeling now.

There he placed his head on my chest. I took a deep breath and caressed his hair. 'I can't be your man Sadie' ... yes, his words were still in my mind, I just couldn't get over it. It was painful but at least he was honest.

*

I found myself wearing Jared's sweater in the middle of his living room. My knees were on my chin and I looked like a kid as I kept doing this one. I remembered that 3AM how I asked about our status like 'are we in love or in a relationship or what' ... because I needed such answer but he couldn't say any word and with that I respect him.

Days had passed. So damn fast. Miss Morgan was still out, I didn't know where she was and by that, I didn't have any job for weeks and weeks. I worried about it a lot. Most people loved the cafe and the atmosphere there. I suddenly missed the garden, the tables, the smell of coffee and my apron. My wallet was a bit tight, Jared handed me some cash but I refused. I wasn't with him for his money, never had been, and never at all.

The house that had been rented of my Aunt Molly and her late husband Daniel was finally in the hands of the real owners. It made me a little sad. I saw all the plants of my aunt and had to do a farewell with them. I glanced at my bedroom and remembered the moment I gave my youth to Jared. I took all of my things and some of my aunt's. Two massive suitcases were in my hands and I had nowhere to go, not until Jared called me and to let me stay in his apartment.

He welcomed me as if I was just a part of his family. We had different bedrooms but sometimes I slept with him. We made love, had fun and created some jokes to laughed at. I respected his privacy and he did the same to me. He would cook breakfast and I made his coffee. I cleaned the whole apartment even though he didn't allow me but I had nothing better else to do. I would sweep the floor, washed some of the clothes, vacuuming, cleaned the dishes and so much more. When he arrived from work, I would massage his back and somehow with just a simple kiss, it would lead to something different and deeper from that.

I demolished all the negativities in my mind. I had no time to think that I was a failure, it would only shatter me to pieces. My life was much luckier as Jared accepted me in his apartment with no judgements and other cruel words.

Now, the sun was hitting the whole apartment. I had just finished my breakfast and Jared went to work earlier. I stretched my arms and ready to open my book, until the doorbell rang.

I opened the door and the face of it was so much familiar. Jake.

He came in and we were sitting on the couch. He studied the whole apartment as if it was his first visit here. I was a little uncomfortable but I managed to remain calm. I grabbed him water and some cinnamon rolls.

"Thank you Sadie", he stated.

I went back to the couch and took a deep breath. He said the last time we met was he and Jared weren't buddies anymore, so, being him here was really a serious matter to take. I wondered what that matter would be.

"How'd you doing here so far?", he started the conversation.

"Been doing great. I'm so thankful for Jared that he let me stay here"

"My brother is a good man and kind, yeah, well I'm here because I want to ask you an important question Sadie"

My heart raced as I heard that word 'important'. I cleared my throat and added, "what is it Jake?"

He went directly to the point and stood up, "are you in love with Jared?"

I had a moment of silence. Am I in love with him? I didn't use that term anymore, well, I had to escape this one. "We're friends Jake - "

"You don't have to lie, tell me Sadie"
"Umm...I don't know", I muttered. He sat beside me and looked at me as if he was testing my patience.

"Are you falling in love with my brother?"
"I really can't answer that Jake"

He nodded and ate some of the cinnamon rolls, "this taste good". I thanked him even though I didn't make it myself.

After a short while, his face became more serious than I had never seen before. "I'm not worried for my brother...I'm worried about you Sadie. You're young and you have so much to accomplish. I'm not saying that you need to leave him but the truth will always kill you and you have to be aware of that. I love my brother even though he doesn't believe it but I'm concern about him too. If you love him then I guess it's time for you to know and if you don't, then you can walk away and give Jared the best farewell he totally deserves"
My mind was colliding with so much emotions and unanswered questions. The truth? What the hell about that truth?

"What's that truth you mean Jake?"

"So, you really love him? Because you wanted to know. I'm not in my position to tell you about it, Sadie, it's up to Jared to explain it all to you"

He tapped my shoulder twice, "as someone who's 16 years older than you, and also as your friend. I guess we're already friends since that party happened, I want you to think about all of these, ask Jared and let him explain to you everything".

The last conversation with Jake was all about his family. I asked about his wife and kids. He said that he met his wife, Kelly, in college and proposed to her after graduation. He chose his wife rather than the highest position that he was dreaming ever since he was a teenager. He didn't regret even for a bit. They had two sons, Martin and Flynn both were twins. They rented an apartment in the secluded subdivision here in Philly. Now, he was working in his business in Pittsburgh together with his wife. He also told me that they were only here for a vacation.

"I'll go now Sadie, you have a great day", he waved at me and I beamed at him. Such a nice man. I closed the door and went back to the couch. My thoughts were everywhere but only focused about Jared.

I wanted to scream but I couldn't. There was a feeling inside of me that I begged to stop but it wouldn't, it would never.