Eleven Years

CHAPTER 5

SADIE

I WOKE up in the middle of the night. Feeling lost all of a sudden with ache in my chest. I closed my eyes again but I couldn't sleep anymore. The face of my parents slapped me. Those parents who adopted me.

My mom used to bring me milk in the middle of the night. She once believed that in the middle of the night, everything was alive. She always came home pretty late and dad used to rub his face with his palm trying to understand mom. They were both good but not perfect. Nobody's perfect though. They were protective but forgot to observe the limits, they went quite too much. They were expecting so much honor and pride in myself. That thought about the 'entrance exam' made it even worse. I was smart in school...but just enough to be called a good student. But my mom and dad wanted more which was unusual for me.

I could still remember the exact night when I failed the exam. My dad said:

"We've put so much shine in you but you rust them all off"

My dad used to read a lot of poetry books. Which made him believe that in every metaphor, there should be a better realistic explanation. He wanted me to be that 'realistic explanation'.

My mom who went home late that night was exhausted. When she heard the news, she stared at me. I thought she would accept that I failed but it turned out .... she was the same with dad. They were both the same.

"All of my friend's sons and daughters passed the entrance exam. How am I supposed to say that you didn't Sadie? I would be such a shame in the office"

That word 'shame'. That broke me.

I ran to my room. I closed the door. I wanted to cry but there were no tears in my eyes. I felt nothing but empty. Failing just for once made them ill. They didn't know the sleepless nights that I spent just to review for that damn exam. They both ashamed of me because all of their friend's, cousin's, colleague's sons and daughters passed the exams.

I wanted to say to them that I loved to take a gap year. For me to find myself, to know what I want and maybe seek the missing piece in my heart. By they said that it would be just a waste of time.
Everything for them was a waste of time. I thought I knew my mom and dad so well but they were too much secretive in their expectations with me. 'If they really loved me...they should've kept me in their arms by their side'.

Days passed that time. When I entered their room, I heard them talking about me. That moment when they were voicing out their opinions towards disowning me.

"I can try another exam next year"

Those were the words I said when I burst crying in front of them. To disowned me was such a nightmare. I tried everything to stop it but my words and tears were never enough. Nothing would be good enough for them.

When I stood alone in Lincoln Airport, I felt that my childhood and pre-teen years were waving their farewell at me. I was hopeless. I never got to see mom and dad before I flied to Philly. Maybe they never wanted to see me go or never bear the fact to see their shameful, disowned, disinherited, adopted daughter go.

*
I glanced at Aunt Molly while she was examining the bills. The belligerent in her expression just showed at me. I didn't want to talk to her. She would always defend Daniel in whatever the situation might be. Some nights I heard Daniel coughed and vomiting in the kitchen. I never got to see him since the weekend passed, moreover, I never had any idea where that combative man would go to.

"Sadie", my aunt gasped.
"Aunt?"

She watched me slowly and covered her face with her palms. She was shaking her head. I remained calm and tried to balance the situation.

"What's wrong? Tell me aunt", I begged.

The first two people that I loved so much was my mom and dad. I was afraid that one of them would die someday but right now it felt comfortable. What happened between us was a nightmare and that led my love for them to fade ... should I say, they needed to be the last people for myself to love with. I promised my heart that after them...I would never fall in love again. But when I looked into my aunt's eyes, I always stopped myself. I didn't want to attach my heart neither my life for her.

"Do you have any cash to pay for these damn bills?", she explained.

I stared at the empty glass. I just kept staring at it. Not knowing that my life became a little similar to it.

"How much?", I asked.

She showed me the bills and I almost wanted to throw up. And all at once, my sweats and strengths that I put in the cafe was gone.

*
I found myself being unattended in the cafe. One of the customers called me twice until the third time stroke at me. Faking smiles, greeted them with my unlikely voice and just sighed. I couldn't stop thinking about that medical bill that my aunt Molly showed at me. There was something going on with Daniel. I could see.

"You look so tired, you wanna take a rest for a bit?"

I heard Miss Morgan with her tender voice. I just beamed and nodded at her. There was a spotless table and chair near the little garden of the cafe, so, I decided to rest for a minute there.

My life was a like bottle, it filled with so much unnecessary things in this world. I opened my phone and behold the picture of my mom and dad. My hands were shaking as I pressed the 'delete' button. I noticed a single tear fell from my eye. Their words and their faces kept haunting me...I knew I still had this love for them, it was slowly fading but I hadn't let it go.
There was a familiar car that stopped in front of the cafe. Jesus Christ, the last time I saw him was the last time I asked him about his past which was terrifying. I saw him entered the cafe. He wore a simple black shirt and a sweat pants. I didn't want our lives to interact again...that would add the problems in my head.

The sky was extraordinary. I stretched my arms and maybe took a nap. I badly needed it.

"Taking a nap in the middle of your work"

My thoughts were alive. I could feel that he was standing right there. I opened my eyes and I was right.

"There are lots of customers", he added. Then he crossed his arms like a boss and leaned to the wall.

"I'll go back there", I said without putting my eyes into him. He then suddenly pulled one chair and sat beside me. And placed his keys together with his wallet on the table.

"You look tired", he mouthed the same thing as Miss Morgan said earlier.

"It seems like you didn't sleep. Am I right?"

I just nodded. I was clueless why all of a sudden, he became like this. He was talking to me like nothing happened to that day when I mentioned 'Rosie' in front of him. The toughest thing about this present moment was forgetting what I had done and just kept respecting this thirty-year old man.

"Some personal problems", I explained.
"Mind telling me?", he said.

"It was just about my aunt"

I never had the urge to say more or speak for the betterment of our conversation but I had chosen to put brevity in what I had mentioned.

"I already asked Miss Morgan about your leave for the rest of the day"

"What?"
"I want you to come with me"

I couldn't resist his word. I wanted to scream at him that I wasn't just an individual who would like to obey him. Above all, there was this unexplainable thing in me that whenever he was around.... I felt peculiar.

*

I had never seen this wonderful part of Philadelphia where the road was too solemn and the dried leaves of the trees were parading all over the place. I could spend my whole day here just doing nothing and forget all the unnecessary things in life.

"What are we doing here?", I asked him.
"To enjoy the view", Jared said and without any hesitation, he got out of the car and I did the same.

The whole place was like a secluded scenery in a postcard. There weren’t any vehicle noises nor people screaming and talking. It was just a complete peace. I closed my eyes to feel it even more. It was just amazing.

"I never imagined that Philly has this secluded part", I said to him.

"Because everything has a secluded part. Even us, the people, we have secluded parts in our own lives. Some are just too painful to share to others"

There was a dead air. I agreed with him. As far as I remembered, some of my secluded parts were already shared to 'someone'...
"I'm sorry", I stated.

"For what?", he asked. Well, I was pretty sure he knew the reason why I was apologizing to him.
"About that last time when I asked you regarding - "

"Let's not talk about it"

He glanced at me and he quickly gave me that wondrous smile. Somehow, that changed the awkwardness and unlikely things between us.
We continued walking. We were walking without saying anything. There was nobody in the road except the two of us. The air was cold but deep inside I felt warm. The road was quite rough but it felt like it was so smooth and I could walk here every time. I wanted to be here every single time.

"So relaxing", he muttered.

I glanced at him and he looked fascinating. I never seen him so good like this.

As I placed my vision to the sky, there was a feeling of warmth and attachment that entered to my bones. It became better... extremely better...when there was a lovely palm that softly covered my freezing hand.

He wasn't looking at me nor giving me any pressure at the moment.

"You're holding my hand", I gasped.

"You want me to let it go?"

Do I want to let it go?

Do I really want to let it go?

This felt surreal. For the first time after all the pain I had been through...for the first time... someone was holding my hand to made me feel that it was just alright... that everything in life would be alright. 

I closed my eyes, I beamed like a child and said...

"No"