Eleven Years

CHAPTER 21

SADIE

MISTER Mile took everything to the first floor and I decided to stay for a little while in Jared's living room. I couldn't blink, I just wanted to savor this moment. The happiness, the fun, the sensation, the anger and the love.

The minute he woke up was the second he kissed my forehead. He thought I was asleep and I pretended to be. I heard him saying 'goodbye' at me, he pulled the blanket and covered it through my whole naked body. I yearned to stare at his turquoise eyes but I never got the chance to do it and I guessed it was for the better. When he walked out that door, I knew that was the last time. It was the last time.

Now, my feet stood right in this ground where my mind travelled to every memory I had in this huge apartment. I wiped my tears quickly and fixed my scarf. Breathing in and out, 'I will be okay'.

It was a lonesome. Leaving someone's house that you never thought would bring an impact to your life. Leaving the routine that you never expected to be shattered as you walk out that door. Leaving a man whom you never dreamed to put you in the position of downcast and nostalgia.

"The car is ready Miss Sadie", I heard Mister Mile standing far away from the door. I nodded at him and asked me to follow him. The pain was pounding straight to my soul, as I attached my gaze in the whole apartment, I felt nothing but my love for Jared.

*

I told Mister Mile to drop me off in a different hotel. He said that Jared already booked an apartment but I never cared. If I would have this connection with him then the pain ought to continue every day. I needed to stop everything between us, even though there was never really an "us".


Mister Mile dropped me in a hotel where so much noises covered the whole place. I said my goodbye to him and thanked him for the kindness he had done to me. Mister Mile watched me go, but I never turned back.

Aunt Molly booked me a simple apartment with the help of Paul. I called them earlier about what happened between me and Jared and to my surprise they never asked for any question but helped me undoubtedly.

I could catch the wall from side to side as I entered. Just a tiny place but completely good enough for me. I couldn't see the whole Philadelphia anymore but I could witness the trees outside and the bustling crowd walking around the street. After months of living in that fancy home, finally it was a new beginning for me.

I threw m self on the bed and planned to delete all my contacts and messages with Jared. I needed to let go every simple thing about him, well, I realized there was never any simple thing about him. I wanted to call him, I wanted to hear his voice but this would be the stupid decision to make. So, I placed my phone far away from me and buried myself in the mattress and screamed.

*

The light of the sun was nowhere to be found when I opened my eyes. There were sounds of busy cars, folks, traffic, music and everything just went so loud. Rush hour.

I grabbed my slippers and closed the window. Trying to breathe according to the feeling that I needed. My phone turned 7:00 PM and I realized that dinner was something I wanted.

The woman in the reservation office told me that there was a cheap restaurant beside the building and without any word I went there. I only had a less than fifty dollars left in my wallet, and I chose the cheapest food they offered. It made delighted to feel this way again, being alone, sitting in a chair where a lot of people were having their own companion to talk to while eating. After finishing my dinner, I went back to my apartment feeling satisfied but not deep inside.

There were numerous knocks that existed. I paused for a little and wondered who the hell who would visit me. Nobody knew that I was here except for my Aunt Molly and Paul. I bit my nails for a while, trying to handle who would be that human being knocking right now. I took nervous breath and decided to open the door.

Literally time slowed down.

What is he doing here?

The light of my apartment was brighter than my old bedroom back in the old house that used to be in my aunt's. It was giving me the tension as he put his gaze in me. His turquoise eyes were glaring, suspecting me as if the tables had turned.

He entered like an invited human being but definitely he wasn't and he closed the door in just a second. He just for from his work, I could see it with his navy coat and slacks. He studied my apartment, shifted his eyes from my bedroom who was just five steps away from the sink. Then he squeezed his eyes and placed his arms on his pockets.

"The flat I booked for you is way too better than this", he said.

I wanted to laugh in an evil way that could teach him that it wasn't all about the space or the fancy thing about it. It was all about my exclusion from him.


"You can leave now Jared"

"Who's going to pay your bills Sadie? Who?", he sounded matured, boastful and someone I had never known before.

I ignored his question and grabbed myself some water. Clearing my throat wouldn't be enough, I need a liquid to made me calm but somehow, I wanted to exchange words with him.

"I'll find a job. I will wake up tomorrow, dressed to the nines and go out and find a job. Hoping Miss Morgan would come back, hoping everything before you would come back?"

"Before me?", he exclaimed. Murdering me with his turquoise eyes, "right now you have nothing Sadie. You're alone, in this diminutive room, you have nothing but yourself"

I looked down, feeling low, feeling abandoned with no career in life, no college, no plan, just me trying to build myself that had been ruined by the time I realized that it was totally ruined again, twice.

"Just go Jared. I don't need you here", I said silently.

I waited for him to move his feet but he was still standing there with his head high.

"Come back to me Sadie. I'll give you everything you need, an education, food, shelter, a bed to sleep, a better life for you to live"

His words were different from all he had stated before. Now, he acted like a piece of shit who was degrading me as someone who would never ever be able to level his accomplishments.

"I want to be alone, far away from you", I ended and turned my back on him.

"But you have nothing. What else do you have Sadie? You don't have education, you don't even have a home, no family, no friend, no job, you don't have enough money to support yourself, you don't have someone here, you have nothing here!"

"You!!", I screamed. His eyes went circled, surprised by my anger.

"You, I thought I had you Jared"

He wanted to come close to me but I opened my palm to signed him to stop. I noticed that my eyes went blurry and then tears fell rapidly.

"If I told you to divorce your wife, would you do it? If I asked you about your past, would you leave no secret to me anymore? I badly need an answer Jared because I'm not a kid whom you could tell different lies at all, maybe I'm not yet a woman for you but I'm trying myself to prove", I was sobbing but still trying to manage perfectly in front of him.

He was in doubt. Shaking his head, pressing his lips and began to speak but it never happened.


"You have to say something Jared", I begged


"You need more than eleven years to understand me Sadie"


Did I hear it right?


Eleven years?


What was he talking about?


His eyes traveled to the floor and to anywhere except in mine. He was right, his word was right. He was eleven years older than me and whatever I wanted to do, this would never be okay. Even if I'd cut my wrist, it would never ever be enough for me to reach him. If only we had been closer in age maybe everything would be better, better than the word itself, 'better'.


"And you need less than eleven years to do the same with me Jared", I concluded.


Our eyes met, painfully as what I had felt. I wondered what was happening in his mind. Is he hurt?

I wanted to caress his face but I had to stop myself for now. I love him but it hurts. I love him but it's aching me.

Why do we have to be eleven years apart?

Why?