Eleven Years

CHAPTER 28

JARED


IT HAD BEEN weeks since Sadie left me in front of the America's Liberty Bell. It had been weeks since the last time I saw my wife. It had been such a remorseful-weeks. The thought of it haunted me as I shut my eyes to sleep, as I lingered my body to feel the air and as I narrowed my vision towards the future.

Pictures in my mind happened to be in chronological order. How I met Sadie in Dale Cafe and how she mentioned her life to me as if I was a known person to her. The time when she asked me about my wife, I felt nothing but puzzlement. Her eyes were innocent and young, she waited for my answer and it took me time to give it to her. When she saw Rosie, it was all in a brighter note, the way my wife kissed her cheek was precious and I was quite jealous when she was part of her dream.  I hoped I would be able to cross in my wife's dream too.

I grabbed my coffee and left my table. My left hand was on my pocket and the bitterness as I sipped this beverage had welcomed me into squeezing my eyes. I put it back on my table and I faced the window. Philadelphia had been charming but truthfully painful with those shits I had been through. I saw the clouds uncovering the sky and the biggest star had shone in my eyes.

I heard the door opened it was Mister Mile.

"Good morning Mister Mile", I went to him and grabbed his hand for a greeting.

"I saw her taking a walk in the street this early morning. She's still in that tiny apartment and I bet you have nothing to worry about Sir", he explained.

"Thank you, Mister Mile. I'll see you later"

Mister Mile nodded and I heard the door shut. I pressed my lips and sat on the couch. I cared for Sadie, I cared about her about how she lived her life and everything. She was still in me, her scent remained in my skin and her bubbly eyes that meant to be with mine. She wanted to let go of me and even if I wanted her to stop, I know she thought only for the betterment.

I stood up and decided to went back to my apartment. I called Mister Mile quickly and I spoke to my secretary to cancel every meeting I had for the day. I bet it was about time to let her invade some part of my privacy. About time.


*

I made soft knocks on her door. As I counted, it was all six and her eyes went circled as she saw me standing in front of her. She was a mess but a stunning mess with her hair tied into bun, her wearing an oversized shirt and her face that filled with imperfections that so much perfection for me to acknowledge.

She let me in and I noticed that she packed all of her bags. She was going somewhere else and I felt an ache in my heart but I ignored it.

"Sadie"

"Welcome again", she said silently. That word welcome was a little sarcastic, in my mind, I made it right. Her eyes couldn't focus on me and I knew it, she was trying her best to avoid every single detail of me.

"I just came by to hand you this"

I placed the bag of handwritten letters on her tiny table. All were twined with lace to secured the papers. I took all of them from the bag and scattered them like cards.

"What are those?", she asked.

"Letters from 11th Street Mailbox", I said.

"Letters of who?"

"You'll find out later if you read one of them. I notice you're leaving but I won't ask when or where because to be fair I think I have to respect you too. But before all these things turn to misery, I want you to know and read the stories that had been killing me to say to you. I want you to know more about me and Rosie - "

"I don't want - "

"You have to Sadie. You have to read them."
I noticed her covering her face, trying to hide her tears and groaned.

"Miss Morgan found all these letters on Rosie's drawer and she wanted me to hand it to you. These sheet of papers … where I'd written all my honesty and love. Sadie, I lied to you about my marriage, I took your youth, I made your innocent eyes to a different one but I hope you still define me as someone who you can't forget with for the rest of your life"

My voice broke into pieces.

"I was the one who gave you my youth. It was the best night Jared. You know what, I think I'm just scared of what's gonna happen. Please leave me alone, seeing you here makes me wanna change things again", she shook her head. Filled her lungs with air that was uninvited.

I tried to reach her hand but it was all chaotic. Instead, I watched her turned her back on me and I had no choice but to leave her place. As I shut the door, I forced myself to be sane but God knows how much I wanted to kiss her again but it was all different now. I cursed again and again. When I reached my car, Mister Mile asked how it went and I was muted and he understood it quickly and fixed.


*

When I looked into her eyes, I always had that breakdown that I was quite thankful that she couldn't see it as I treated myself to be stronger and never let emotions ruled anything. I wanted to conquer her with all my power and love but I wanted to do the same with my wife. Maybe it was true, that I couldn't welcome Sadie because I was still waiting for Rosie to come back.
          
My mom called me last night and I told her everything. I told her that I went back to Sadie and gave her all the handwritten letters. My mother was the only person who would understand me even though I truly misunderstood myself because of too much love and urge and ego. She said nothing but to follow my heart because nothing's better than giving a chance of what's your heart is needing, beating and screaming.

' Sadie ', I kept mumbling her name in the middle of the night. Reminiscing those days and nights when she was here in my apartment making love to me, watching the whole Philadelphia and the time when she asked if I was real. Truth be told, I asked myself, was she even real?

Sadie was too good to be real.

My mom told me that Jake had cancelled his appointment in Pittsburgh and flew for me. I tried to find the irony but no ... there was nothing anymore. The darkness covered the sky and then there was a knock all of a sudden with his curious eyes and raising eyebrow. That was my father's real son.

"Jared"

"What're you doing here Jake?"

"No good evening, really?"

"C'mon Jake, we don't use that"

I left him standing there. I went to my kitchen and grabbed something to drink. Then his footsteps were raging towards where I was at. He followed me.

"Your attitude sucks, you're a grown man still you're a pain in the ass"

"Shut the fuck up Jake!"

I opened my fridge and picked the strongest whiskey I had bought for myself. I didn't bother to pour it in a glass, I opened the bottle and drank it. As the liquor reached inside of me, it felt a complete satisfaction.
"Mind drinking with me?", I offered Jake the bottle but he crossed his arms and observed me as if life went back when we were kids. When our father used to tear his uniform and groaned in front of us. When my mother used to scratch her head of not knowing what do. When everything was all about simple things, no Rosie, no Kelly, no oblivion and no Sadie.

"I think I need one glass too"

Jake and I sat on the ground with the whole Philadelphia facing us. We saw different buildings with their night lights and the sky that filled with stars. We had been drinking for half an hour now. I stared at my brother, did I just call him a brother in my head?

"Jake?"

"Mmm?"

I watched him drinking his glass of whiskey as if it was just a regular water drink. His face went bitterly after he strongly placed his glass in front of me.

"When you told dad that you were giving up the company for me, I never believed the reason behind it Jake. I knew that it was all because of Kelly, you really love her. I envy your marriage"

"Nothing's to envy man. We have ups and downs too - "

"But too different than mine", I said, "you know what, I'm really guilty. Troye was your real dad, you are his biological son, his companion but I took everything away from you. His attention, his care, his fortune, his dream and his love. Beyond forgiveness, I don't know what the world would be like Jake"

"When I met you for the first time Jared. I hated you ... but not until years slipped away when finally I treated you as a brother. You put so much happiness in dad's eyes and that was something I couldn't do. You loved dad in a way that I couldn't do too. You and your mother brought up the best in him. I guessed you changed his life and you did the same ... with me"
I inhaled and exhaled. Jake's eyes were watching the whole city, he was serious, steady and unbothered.

"Mind playing a song?", he asked.

"I'm not in a mood", I replied.

"What about Coldplay? You love 'em. The moon is yellow, you want me to play the song that titled just like the moon tonight?"

Yellow

Yellow

Yellow

I remembered Sadie in my car, we were having the time of our lives listening to that beautiful song. It was her favorite and mine too. That incredible night was yellow, it was all yellow.

"No Jake. It reminds me of her"

"Who?"

"Sadie"

There was silence. Until I couldn't take it anymore and my tears burst out. I always kept my pain like a secret one. I had pain in myself, in my apartment, in my kitchen, in the company, in my office and for this city. The pain that defined to be bearable but I thought wrong.

"I love her"

"You can't love two people Jared"

"I tried to be grand about it. I love Rosie, ever since I was sixteen, she's always in my mind, in my heart. When she married me, it was all a great bomb, I became the luckiest man alive not until she moved out of the reality and welcomed another world in her mind. When I met Sadie, it was my 30th birthday, that was my wife's birthday too. I asked her for a wish and she said 'I wish you will always find what you are looking for' ... Honestly, I found what I'm looking for, it was her ... Sadie, but I'm not the man for her Jake. I tried to be but I can't, I have my wife, I'm married and I can't leave Rosie there. I can't Jake"

I was sobbing the whole minute and I felt Jake arms on my back.

"As your brother, I want you to choose who you really love the most but as a living individual, I want you to choose what's best for the rest. Sadie is young, she can accomplish a lot of things, she can do better. With Rosie, you promised her the world Jared. Now tell me, who do you love the most?"

I love them both... I just can't choose.

My tears kept streaming down to my face. I let them flood and I let the pain ate me again for me to find the answer, for me to choose what was really meant for me to choose.

"You're drunk Jared, you need to lay down in your bed and rest or maybe - "

"Jake, how would you feel if Kelly won't stop loving her first love? How would you feel and what would you do?"

"That's an easy question Jared because I am her first love and I keep thanking God that He gave her to me. I'll grab you a shirt and I'll ready your bed. Leave the bottle there 'cause I'm the one who'll clean it", Jake stood up and went to my bedroom and I was left alone.

I grabbed my phone and went to Spotify. The moon was yellow, how could I take this moment for granted?

Loving small things are everything. This made me feel alive. Somehow.

As I played Coldplay's "Yellow'” I thought about what would happen but I remembered her again. Her kiss, her body next to mine, her face, her worth, her imperfections and her love ...

And with that moment, I finally chose. I had chosen the person I love.